Be Honest, Mooky

It's Urgent, Please Respond

2010-11-08T03:56:00.001-06:00

It's me, Melissa. I really don't mean to inconvenience you right now, I made a little trip to UK and I misplaced my luggage that contains my passport and credit cards, I know this may sound odd, but it all happened very fast. I need to get a new passport and a ticket, but I'm short of funds to pay for my ticket and other miscellaneous expense. Please, can you lend me some funds to get a ticket? I'll be willing to pay back as soon as I get home.

Please respond as soon as you get this message, so I can forward you my details to send the funds to me, OR you can drop a message via the hotel's desk phone if you can. The numbers are, +447045733705.

I await your response

Melissa Stigers

It's Urgent, Please Respond

2010-11-08T03:48:00.001-06:00

I await your response

Melissa Stigers

11/1/2010

2010-11-01T18:18:00.000-05:00

Never let go of hope. One day, you will see that it has finally come together. What you have always wished for has finally come to be. You will look back and laugh at what has passed, and you will ask yourself..."How did I get through all of that?" -Anon

Thanks Mooky.

The New Year

2010-10-31T12:26:00.000-05:00

Oh how the new year comes so quickly.

Suffice it to say, friends, that this has been a difficult year. I truly do believe that this has been the hardest year of my life. But I made it through; I conquered the monster.

I am stronger now because I believe in myself.
I am lighter now because I do not carry your weight.
I am more faithful now because I see you moving in my life.
I am more at peace now because there are not torrents of emotion blowing through my life.
I am comfortable in my skin now because I know that I belong here.
I am in love with myself again because I have proven my worth to myself.
I am humble because I had to be completely torn down to understand my own value.
I am ready to let go of so many things because I see how downtrodden they made me.
I am ready to face the future because I have conquered my past.

So, what do I expect for the new year? I expect that I will make wiser decisions based upon the fact that I have weathered so many bad ones. I expect that I will rely on friends and family who are supportive of me and who accept me unconditionally, without fail, and full of love. I know that my circle is real. I expect that I will be moving on into a new chapter of life, and I am looking forward to it immensely. I expect that there will be bad times, but I know that they will be brief, and they will make me stronger. I expect that I will continue to grow, learn, and accept things as they are without trying to force change. I expect that I will be deepened in faith, my well continuing to accept new information, new paths to tread.

The wheel turns. We cannot stop it. Learn to enjoy the ride.
~fae

Grace

2010-10-16T11:31:00.000-05:00

I have always felt that with submission should come grace. A submissive / slave should show grace, act graceful, speak gracefully, and, in all things, not look like a jackass - thus bringing the height of her training down. I cannot say, truthfully, that I have always BEHAVED gracefully, but I always felt so.

When you switch gears from submissive mode to survival mode, though, all grace goes out the window - even if you are trying hard to maintain some semblance of grace. When I shuttled out of submissive mode and straight into am-I-going-to-live mode, all grace went out the window. I became a crass, foul-mouthed, rotten old lady. I dropped the f-bomb all the time. I was grumpy and mean, and I know that I did not always behave in the manner I was taught (or self-taught). It was strictly surviving from day to day.

However, I know someone who has stage 4 cancer. That means that her cancer is never going away. The goal, for her, right now is not to beat cancer but to see how long she can live with the cancer. And this woman is amazingly graceful in everything she does. And I noted a marked difference between how this woman behaves and myself last night when I hosted a forum. I was still crass and foul-mouthed, and I know I was not graceful.

As I am slowly coming out of survival mode and back into the world, I wonder if I can achieve that state of grace again. I wonder if I can rise up to the standards I kept for myself and the standards that would be appreciated by a dominant partner.

All I can do is try...

10/8/10

2010-10-08T09:17:00.005-05:00

"This is my Vietnam
I'm at war
Life keeps on dropping bombs
And I keep score"

Most bombs that are dropped upon a person are large, loaded with shrapnel, and devastating. Once in a while, though, a bomb comes by wrapped in pretty packaging and tied up with a bow. Yesterday, I had one of these bombs dropped on me. But I am so scared that something will fall through. I am guarding it so close to my chest because I really want it to work out. I deserve this. I am worthy of this. More than that, someone else thinks I am worthy of this. And I am so hopeful that this will relieve some of the burden off of my husband. He deserves this more than any man ever did. He has stood by me through everything I have ever gone through. I am pretty sure he is the best man on the planet. I know that by standards, I've got the gold when it comes to him.

10/1/10

2010-10-01T08:50:00.001-05:00

"If building structure is defining the space within which things can happen, the appropriate use of discipline is to build and maintain that structure — and then let go of what happens within it."

That is always the hard part, isn't it? Letting go. Moving on. Growing up. I see a picture of me now that doesn't include false promises, groveling, or belittling. I am strong because I have built my structure to endure much more than anyone can know. On a daily basis, I endure much more than most people can handle in a lifetime. I don't say that to be arrogant; I say it because it is true. Walk a mile in my shoes before you tell me that you know where I'm at. My structure is solid because I made sure there were no leaks or cracks when it was built. And I do the best I can to maintain that structure. Sure, I fall short sometimes, but I am doing my very best to maintain my holy structure.

And whatever happens inside, whatever whirlwind I am having today, that is Her will. And I consciously give it up to Her. She cannot take away my pain - emotionally or physically - but She can give me the will and the fortitude to endure it. The light at the end of the tunnel is not a freight train, but the path to heaven. I hear the voice of God(dess) in my head again (I tuned Her out for so long), and She tells me to stand up strong and straight, true and honored. Because I am not unworthy. I am not broken. My structure stands firm, a holy temple, within which I can hear Her voice again. And I am blessed to hear it.

Ask and ye shall receive

2010-09-25T23:43:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I was ready to lay down and die. I had nothing left in my spirit that wanted to keep on living. With all of my animals piled up around me, I begged them to please let me go so I could be at peace. I cried all day. I think I ate something once because Ted asked me to. I was ready to stop going through the motions and be finished. When Ted went to work, I did the last thing I could think of: I prayed.

Now, you have to understand that I have a unique and very personal relationship with my Higher Power. She is sassy and mean; and when She wants it Her way, it is so. This was my prayer:

I know that I don't pray very often; I don't have the tongue for it.
But I could use a little help here because I'm not going to make it alone.
And if You won't help me then fuck You.
(Kudos to those of you who got the Conan reference)

I asked Ted to come home and check on me on his lunch break (he works third shift). He couldn't come home, but he called. I was still breathing, and I could feel the familiar crackle of otherworldness running up my spine. But it wasn't until today that She responded. There is a local group, a small community here of kinksters, that gets together once a month. I had all but talked myself out of going, but Ted encouraged me to go. He thought it would be good for me to socialize with someone other than him. So, I went.

And She sent me Thunderbolt.

As it turned out, Thunder was flying solo for the evening because His Lady was home with strep throat. He made a comment about how He was bummed that He didn't get to play. Without thinking, I chimed in "I'll play with You!" And so began the unshaking of everything inside of me.

I'm not used to spankings. It was never something Ted and I did when we functioned as a D/s couple. It was all floggers and knives, hit parade and splash. This was something entirely foreign to me. I could hear the low feminine chuckle in my head as the first strikes fell. Ask and ye shall receive.

Every time He hit me, I would cry out. I yelled, I cursed, and I cried for what seemed like forever. Whether She was guiding His hand or not, He beat all of the shards of glass out of me, and I was left with something of a clean slate. When it was all said and done, I cried a river of anguish onto His shoulder, and He held me and just let me get it loose. He listened as I rattled off all of my problems over the last I don't know how long, and He spoke to me the way T would speak to me (except without all of the sarcasm. *kiss*). By the time I was finished crying, I had no more story to tell, and I felt that I could maybe start making it through the days without asking that they be over and done.

The message of the holy woman came through our conversation so strong...I knew She was there. I know that She laughs at the fact that I must be beaten in order to understand that I am worthy, that I am holy, and that I deserve to live. The beating I took tonight was personal. It was heaven sent. It was exactly what I needed to get down into the mire and sweep all the bullshit away. And I know that She doesn't want a weak-willed groveler. I know that she doesn't want someone who doesn't understand their own worth. But maybe now with all of those shards of the past life gone, maybe now I can see myself. Maybe now with all of what you did, and what he did, and what she said gone, I can look at that slate and see an image of myself shining back out at me.

I know that I don't pray very often, but I feel You in my life.
I know that I can be difficult to direct often times, but I am ready to be guided.
And I know that I can do it alone because I am strong, special, and ready to go to war for myself.
And if anyone tries anything tricky, fuck them.

Looking Back

2010-09-21T21:22:00.000-05:00

...looking back on the memory of the dance we shared 'neath the stars above
for a moment all the world was right; how could i have known that you'd ever say goodbye?

...but now i'm glad i didn't know the way it all would end, the way it all would go
because our lives are better left to chance; i could have missed the pain, but i'd have had to miss
the dance

...holding you, i held everything; and for a moment, wasn't i a king?
but if i'd only known how the keys would fall, hey who's to say, you know i might have changed it all

...and now i'm glad i didn't know the way it all would end, the way it all would go
because our lives are better left to change; i could have misse the pain, but i'd have had to miss
the dance

-gb

Hate

2010-09-13T14:48:00.001-05:00

I started to hate myself today...while I was in the bathroom and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. If you want the truth of it, I have hated myself for more of my life than I have not. Sometimes I can handle it; sometimes it lays me so low. I'm reading this book, though, that has got me to thinking about self-hate. Because I can clearly acknowledge that I wasn't born with this self-hate; it was taught to me. It was a lesson learned.

And so, with that in mind, I sat with that hate for a few minutes. And I asked myself: what does it serve me now? What good does it do me now? I could hate my thighs, so round. I could hate my stomach, big old tire belly. I could hate my size, the way I look, the turmoil I am going through right now. But none of those things are ME. They are simply accessories of me. And I couldn't find a single reason to hate the me that I keep inside. So right there, in that moment, I let it go. And I felt calm.

I don't imagine that this is the cure-all moment. I imagine I'm going to have a million more moments like this one; but to have one, at least, has been ... inspirational.

It Turns Out...

2010-09-03T20:50:00.000-05:00

You never really remember how good it feels to do something until you haven't been able to do it for a long time. It is easy to forget how good the pen feels or how nice it is to have your hands dirty. It feels good to play with paper and stamps and glitter. And I had forgotten because I was down so low I couldn't get myself out of bed. I was down so low I wanted to sleep and never wake up. Chronic pain will fuck you up. Bipolar disorder will fuck you up.

But, the good news is that both are manageable. Once you accept that you will be on a lifetime of medications and that it.is.not.your.fault., you will be able to move beyond the initial denial and start managing your conditions. Two years. I was in the denial phase for two years. Sure, I was taking my meds, but I was really hoping, craving, waiting for a magic cure for all of my problems. Two years is a long time to waste. Two years is a long time to spend in bed.

But again, there is good news. My life was broken down before me, and I was able to see what was real and what was not, what was good for me and what was not. I can see now what I need to do - no matter if it is harder than hell - and I know I have positive support. Honestly, without my support line, I wouldn't have made it through the last three months. I don't know if they let you blog from the hospital, but I doubt it.

So, here we are. Two years and a bunch of internal bullshit later, and I feel like I am finally starting to make some progress. I accept what is, and I am moving on. It isn't good or bad, it just is. There is no fault because it just is. And I let it flow around me because I am a stone in the river - and the river is neither good nor bad, it just is. It washes over me, and it just is.

a-ha

2010-08-11T16:42:00.001-05:00

So, it turns out I wasn't taking one of my BPD medications correctly. I thought I was supposed to take two of the pills, and I was supposed to be taking three. I'm feeling much better now, thank you. >.<

There has been a lot going on in my life, but it is all internal stuff. So, I'm keeping it close to the chest. I know I do have a few readers out there, though; so, I wanted to say hi, thanks for checking in on me, and I'm ok. I hope to see some of you soon. :)

Impasse

2010-08-08T15:02:00.000-05:00

So, in case you haven't noticed, I have been having a ~~slight~~ massive crisis of self coupled with a bad down-swing into depression for a while now. I see my p-doc on the 18th; so, I just have to make it until then to discuss my medications with him (I don't believe they are working as they should.). So, if you have any positive energy to spare, could you please send it my way so I can just make it through?
Thanks.

Damage

2010-08-04T10:55:00.001-05:00

For as long as I can remember, I have felt like damaged goods. I have felt like I'm not good enough, clean enough, pretty enough, thin enough, or whatever other adjective you'd like to insert there. I have felt this way since childhood. My mom taught me to swallow all the bullshit I could handle so nobody would leave. I learned very early on how to hide my damage so that only I knew how damaged I actually was. Lately, though, I'm hiding that damage less frequently because I'm coming to terms with my laundry list of issues. Yes, I'm BP. Yes, I have fibro. Yes, I'm a big girl. Yes, I'm lazy and would rather sleep than sweat. But that isn't what is on my mind today.

What if I just accepted that I am damaged goods and moved on? Wouldn't that be freeing? Yes, I am damaged. Yes, damage has been done to me. Yes, I'm even in therapy for my damage. So what? It doesn't make me any less damaged to hide it, and it doesn't make me any more damaged to not hide it. What if it just is what it is and that's it? And further, what if I took a stand and said "If you can't take me as I am, damage and all, then move along" ? What about that?

Right now, this is my truth. I'm flawed, fractured, and damaged. And right now, I'm ok with that. Half an hour ago, I wasn't. But someone said something to me that made it all make sense. I'm damaged. So what?

Aren't we all?

Suffer the Children

2010-08-03T15:42:00.001-05:00

Dear Lily:

We haven't spent much time together in a long time, you and I. I take all the blame for that because I know right where to find you. If you want the truth, I avoid you these days because it hurts me so to look at you, to see you so scared, so traumatized, so alone. I feel guilty that I can't fix your hurts, take away your pain, or shield you from the awful thing you endured. It is that guilt, I think, that keeps me from visiting.

Dr. Linz, though, says that I need to visit you more often; and so, here I am. I am nervous. I am scared. I want to run away, but I also want to see you. I want you to see me. Not the bullshit smoke and mirrors we use for everybody else - I want to SEE you. I want to see the throbbing hurt so I know where to put the medicine.

I'm supposed to show you that the world isn't all bad; and I know that is going to be hard because I still think a lot of the world is bad. I'm slow to trust, too. I feel awkward just like you do. But you know what, Lilygirl? You survive. You do because I do. I have. I'm still here to carry you around in my heart. So I know we will get through this cycle, and I know we will spend more time together because I will make it happen. I know that we can learn from each other, heal each other, and love each other without guilt and pain. We are going to get there, Lily, if you trust me.

Hold my hand; we have to start now.

7/26/10

2010-07-26T14:24:00.001-05:00

I don't know who I am anymore
Not once in life have I been real
But I've never felt this close before

Dear Melissa:

I am writing this to you, not your aliases, not your nicknames, and not your fluffy-bunny, social butterfly cover-up. You and I? We need to talk. Serious, serious talk.

This feeling that you have of not being able to make it anymore? We have got to take care of that. These notions you have that you're not going to live through another year? Need to be addressed.

You have spent a lot of time getting involved with things, people, activities, etc. that aren't GOOD FOR YOU. You have spent a lot of time giving when you needing serious care. You have spent a lot of time getting by on half-shit quality care when you needed serious, ground-breaking excavation.

Here's the thing:

We are going to start making changes right now because the easy way out is not an option for you. Believe it or don't, but you won't be taken into the cradle if you bullshit your way out of this.

I know that you're scared to let people see you suffer, but you need help. Don't hide from your life because this is the life you've been given right now. You have a lot to contend with, sure, but you are not as limited as you think you are. There is a lot riding on you, don't you know? Back when you were sure of yourself, there was a lot you could do with your greater self, but you've shrunk back so far behind this shell that you no longer believe you're worthy. You have lost the love of self you need to have for the Holy Temple. No more.

We are going to pick up the pieces, you and I. We are going to start over, and we are going to construct a loving environment that is all about Melissa. No more negativity. No more takers. No more pretending. Only truth will be allowed inside - even when the truth is ugly, painful, and teary-eyed. On every side, truth will build the shield you need for protection, and it will help you make good, helpful, righteous decisions. Your truth will help you see if others are living their truth, telling you truths, or trying to pull a fast one. From today forward, truth is the only option. It is the only thing getting in. People with truth are the only ones getting in.

But here is the first truth we deal with: You have no self-love, and we have to find that. Buried down deep beneath the tangled roots inside is that self-love. What happened was not your fault. What happened could not be stopped. What happened was going to happen no matter how hard you fought to keep it from happening. What happened is going to be there forever, but you can choose how to deal with it every day. You have been changed by every soul you have come in contact with, some good and some bad. But the core of you, the little girl that is so, so afraid, needs to come out of hiding and heal. Shielded by the truth that it was not her fault, she will grow strong, and she will learn to love.

I'm telling you all of this because you need to hear it. You need to feel it in your bones. You need to let it sink in deep and awaken all of the parts of you that you've been hiding. I'm telling you this because it is time for you to know, and nobody else knows like I do. You can live or die. You've been dying for a year. Little by little, you have been letting yourself die, and that is unacceptable.

You are going to live because I won't accept anything less. Earn your name. Earn your title. Earn your place in the Holy Temple.

Now,

Willowfae

Purge

2010-07-01T11:29:00.001-05:00

Today has been a mentally purging day for me. I have been thinking about a lot of things, and I'm coming into a new mentality.

You see, I have a great fear of abandonment, which leads me to believe that I will never be good enough for anyone or anything. I constantly seek praise from my loved ones, which, I am sure, is tiring. I have been looking inward to find that little crack, fissure, or hole that this fear and the behavior coming from the fear originate. I haven't found it yet, but I am opening my heart and mind to the answer, and I know it will come. In the meantime, I have been expunging negativity today by focusing on positivity.

I am focusing on hard facts:

I am eating healthier so I can be healthier.
I am exercising so I can be healthier and maintain a more healthy weight.
I am excavating my internal systems so that I can release all of this pent up negativity that I carry around with me. I feel infected by it - unclean - and I don't like how it feels.

For the longest time, I have been following this pattern of my life that wasn't healthy, and I want it to stop. In order for it to stop, I have to make changes and stop it myself. I see that now. I have come to a fork in the road, and I have to choose which path I will take. Will I continue to follow this path that causes me heartache? Or, will I begin a new path that brings me joy and contentment?

I am paring down to the bare minimum because I feel that I have to start from scratch and build upwards. My core is strong, and I know that from that strength I will draw strength. My core is made of love, and from that love I will learn how to love - not only myself but others as well. I have to re-learn all that I thought I knew because, obviously, it wasn't working out too well for me. But I'm ready. I'm ready to re-learn everything. I'm willing and able.'

Tally-ho and onward!

Moments

2010-06-30T16:01:00.001-05:00

There are moments that occur in the middle of other moments, and things settle into place in my head. I will see or hear something that will make something else click for me. It happens frequently when I'm in an emotional downswing and am acting irrationally with no way to stop myself. I spin out of control; and then suddenly, there it is. That moment that makes everything make sense.

You see, I have this character flaw...Well, I don't even know if I would call it a flaw so much as a long-developed trait. I couldn't have stopped it as it began developing long before I knew what stopping it might have meant for my future. What is this character flaw, you ask. In the core of me, I am drawn to situations in which I seek approval I will never get. Or I seek validation that won't come. Or I allow myself to follow someone else into a situation that shouldn't be about me at all. Or, better yet, I WILL get praise, but I won't let it sink to that core place where it should settle. This is the worst of them all.

There are many things I have done in my life for this reason, to get this approval. And I was asked today about what it is I am missing within myself that I continue to do this. That stopped me in my tracks. That was my moment. What AM I missing within myself that I keep doing this over and over? I don't know what the answer is yet, but I am praying that it will come when it is ready.

Until then, I am trying to re-center with ME. I need to do these things for me. I need these reasons to be my reasons. I need these rules to be my rules. Because if it isn't about me, I'm going no where. Spinning my wheels.

Wish me luck...

the price of freedom

2010-06-22T14:16:00.000-05:00

when you wanted me, i came to you
and when you wanted someone else, i withdrew
and when you asked for light, i set myself on fire
and if i go far away, i know you'll find another slave

coz now i'm free from what you want

now i'm free from what you need

now i'm free from what you want

and when you wanted blood, i cut my veins

and when you wanted love, i bled myself again

now that i've had my fill of you, i'll give you up forever

and here i go, far away, and now, you'll find another slave

coz now i'm free from what you want

now i'm free from what you need

now i'm free from what you want

then a vision came to me when you came along
i gave you everything, but then you wanted more

coz now i'm free from what you want

now i'm free from what you need

now i'm free from what you want

The Epic Battle

2010-06-09T14:58:00.001-05:00

I feel like I am in the middle of a war zone. On one side, we have the fat acceptance community, which tells its members to accept the body they have and simply get on with living life. On the other side, there is the fact that I am heavier now than I've ever been screaming in my ear.

To tell you the truth, I feel disheartened. I feel ashamed. I feel stupid. And I can't decide, once and for all, which side of the war I am on. I was pretty ok with my body until it started impacting daily activities; then, there was a massive freak-out. I want to love and accept myself for who I am, but how I look really affects me. And I feel shallow for that, which makes me feel guilty, too. It is a whole cart-load of negative right at my feet.

And since we're being honest about it, I wish it were easier. I wish it didn't weigh (no pun intended) on me every day. I know that I can make the changes I want to see in my life, but I also know they are a long ways off...and I'm not the best on patience. Sometimes, I dive on into that cart-load of bullshit just because it is easier to wallow than to work. But I don't want to live like this forever; and if I'm going to do something, it might as well be now rather than six months from now. Who knows what I could accomplish in those six months?

So, I'm doing the best I can with the hand I've been dealt. I'm making changes as I go along and coming to understand things as I go along. I'm trying to be patient, I'm trying to LEARN patience, and I'm trying to practice patience with myself. I know that not every day will be perfect, but I hope that most days will be better than others.

i feel sometimes...

2010-05-26T16:44:00.001-05:00

...i wanted you to know...i love the way you laugh...i want to hold you high and steal your pain away

...i keep your photograph...i know it serves me well..i want to hold you high and steal your pain away

cos i'm broken when i'm open i don't feel like i am strong enough

cos i'm broken when i'm lonesome and i don't feel light when you're gone away

...the worst is over now...and we can breathe again...i want to hold you high you steal my pain away

...there's so much left to learn...and no one left to fight...i want to hold you high and steal your pain

cos i'm broken when i'm open and i don't feel like i am strong enough

cos i'm broken when i'm lonesome and i don't feel light when you're gone away

Belly

2010-05-26T16:07:00.000-05:00

There was a time, a long time ago, I think, that I enjoyed my belly. For one, it is fun to say. Bellybellybelly. For two, it is fun to make fun of people's bellies. "There is a dime on my belly" still makes me laugh. For three, it is hard to do a belly roll without much of a belly.

But now, my belly and I aren't getting along. All of the weight I have gained has gone directly to my belly; so now, it protrudes out from the front of my body like a foreign thing. They say that when you have to bend over to see your toes, it is a bad sign. I'm at that fucking sign, folks. (Yes, it deserves an f-bomb.)

And I'm kind of sad about it because I got my belly tattooed because it was the seat of my soul. When I was meditating or praying, my hands would automatically go there and cradle the ink I designed myself. But now, I just stay away from my belly altogether because it is so freaking round and in the way. I still feel the seat of my soul is there; it is just furrowed down underneath all of the damn belly.

The last time I saw my dad, he said that he would like me to "lose a little of my middle" by the next time he saw me. That's been a year ago, and I have gone up a size in that time. That makes me feel like a loser, a failure. Even though I am taking steps NOW to get healthier, I couldn't give him what he asked me for, and that makes things difficult for me. (I DID manage to tell him that I'd like to see him with a few less beers next time I saw him, but I didn't see either of those things happening. That kind of made me feel good.)

But what can I say? I'm a fat girl, and I'm trying to get healthy. I have this tremendous belly, and I'm trying to get rid of it. It takes a long time, though; and sometimes, I think people have unrealistic expectations. I know I did / have / probably still do. So, my belly is going to disappoint people, and that disappoints me.

Damn the belly.

5/25/10

2010-05-25T14:14:00.001-05:00

So, I have a confession.

I haven't been completely sticking to my eating plan. I *have* gotten on the treadmill on all the days I am supposed to do so (I take one full day of rest per week, usually Saturday); so, that is good. However, I haven't been sticking to my eating plan. I have been derailing myself with mini twix, mini musketeers, "emergency" Jimmy Johns, and KFC. I was steady at 233.0 all week long; and then, today, 234.2. It seems like a small amount; but when the scale goes up, I go down, down, down.

"So, what are you going to do about it?"

I can hear it from across cyberspace. But the truth is: I don't know. I don't know if this is a question of willpower or self-exploration. Why can't I stick to the plan? Why do I keep sabotaging my progress?

I honestly don't think this is an issue of willpower. I truly do think that there is a part of me, on a base, instinct level, that wants to eff things up. Frog once told me that I was comfortable in the uncomfortable - that I was at my most normal when everything was hectic and in a tizzy. For a long time, she was right; but I worked long and hard to get out of that space...except it creeps up every now and then. Like now. Amidst all of the not sticking to my eating plan drama, I've dreamed up a bunch of unhappy drama that I think will only be fixed by wiping the slate clean, getting the hell out of Dodge, and starting over somewhere else. If I try hard enough, I can see her. A little black and grey bitch, hobbling along trying to jump up on my back and drag me down into the muck. I have to fight her every day. Most days, I win. Some days, I don't. I don't think she is my lack of willpower, though. I think she is the visualization of my BPD. And she wants me to swing back and forth. She wants me to go crazy all over again. But I'm not going to go there. I will not go there.

But digging up my roots and running with my tail between my legs isn't my truth either. I will still be the same person I am now, just in a different city, still with the same bitch I keep trying to keep at bay. I do wonder, through, if she'd be happier in Florida?

And all of that leaves me with this: I am doing this to myself.

Which leaves me with this: If I am doing this, I can stop doing it.

Which leaves me with this: If I can stop doing it, it is a matter of choice.

Which leaves me with this: If it is a matter of choice, I get to choose the outcome.

I get to choose the outcome. Maybe not yesterday's outcome, but right now's outcome. Five minutes from now's outcome. Tonight's outcome and tomorrow's outcome. I can make sure that I get on the treadmill tonight as I have been doing. I can choose to do better tomorrow than I have today, even if it is only by an increment.

"It doesn't have to be all or nothing."

Again, I hear it from across cyberspace, and I understand logically. My higher brain understands. It is just taking longer to filter the message down to my more basic personalities, my more instinctive individuals. Little by little, the message gets to the intended targets; and little by little, I do better, I react better, I am better. I'm not hiding anymore, and that was a huge step for me. All of these other little, baby steps will add up to huge steps for me, too, but I have to recognize that they will come in their own time. Bit by bit, everything will begin to add up into strength, empowerment, and a strong will.

So shall it be.

The 56 million-dollar question

2010-05-19T10:45:00.001-05:00

So, I'm sure my scant reader(s) wants to know: Did you get on the treadmill last night? Did you follow the rules?

Yes, my friends, I did. And while I was on that treadmill for five whole minutes, in between thoughts of wanting to quit at two minutes, then three minutes, I began to think of how I got here. How was it that I came to weigh 233 pounds? My mind and I have been ruminating over this question for a while because before you can move forward, you have to understand the past.

I'm not a binge eater. I never have been. I'm not a sneak eater. I've never hidden food from my parents, my husband, etc. I'm just a ritual eater. If I get stuck on a favorite, I will eat it for months - even if it is bad. For example, when Jimmy John's opened up near work, I got stuck on their #14 with cheese and extra mayo. That is over 1,000 calories right there. For lent last year, I got stuck on McDonald's fish sammiches (two at a time, yo) with a dessert of cinnamon melts. That lasted a few months, too.

Also, I am addicted to sugar. I am not kidding at all when I say that at 30 years old, I have a 30-year history with Pepsi. My parents were putting it in my bottle when I was a baby. (Yes, we are hillbilly folk.) Then, I discovered Diet Dr. Pepper and OMG I had to have them all the time. I've done pretty well at kicking the pop habit and drinking more water, but I can't yet drink plain water. The water has to be fizzy or have a flavoring of some sort. Another aspect of my sugar addiction is sweets. Candy, cookies, cake, brownies - I've had long-term relationships with all of them. I particularly crave candy when I'm around my period time, and I don't seem to have the willpower to say no to the craving. Right now, even, there are cookies and cake in the break room, and I am having a hard time not having some even though I ate a clean breakfast and a clean mid-morning boost (yay me!). It is the sugar, man. If I can break THAT habit, I think I will be much better off.

Another factor in the weightiness of fish is the fact that I have been living off of processed foods for fifteen years. As I learn more about eating clean, I see that my diet has been crap since I was in high school where they used to bring in pizza hut, taco bell, and burger king for lunch options. Even if I brown bagged it, I'd get a pizza to go with my lunch and eat both so my mom wouldn't know I didn't want my lunch. Sometimes, I still do it! I will bring a lunch, but I will get something else and eat both because I don't want hubby to know that I didn't eat my lunch. I guess that is the only way I've ever "hidden" food.

So, that is how I got here. Little by little, I am figuring out how to get away from here. Wish me luck!

Circe

2010-05-19T07:59:00.001-05:00

Alone but not lonely, Circe is the epitome of autonomous woman. Harness her energy to empower your own destiny, but beware of the temptation to use the energy to harm others.

AFFIRMATIONS

I can make choices

I am my own best friend

It is my right to choose my path

My awesome power is released

I am full of energy and passion

Look out world, here I come!

I am free to choose my own destiny

My power is unleashed for the greatest good of all

Her Story

Circe or (Kirke, pronounced Kir-kee) is the daughter of Helios (The Sun) and Perseis (the daughter of Okeanos). Goddess of the moon and the night, Circe began life as a 'mage for hire' in order to fund her expensive pursuit of magic.

She was immortalised in literature (Homer's Odyssey) as a femme fatale, enticing Odysseus to her island whereupon she transformed his sailors to the animal closest to their true nature - pigs.

Because of Circe's mannerism of encircling her "victims" before enchanting them, she was named after the death-bird "kirkos" (a circling of falcons). However, she was neither good nor evil. Circe was simply fixed in her endeavours to further her own goals.

Her Modern Energy

For modern women, this means Circe challenges you to take responsibility for your own actions and life. Stop floating along with the mindset that "life just happens" and draw on Circe's energy to use your own power to create your own destiny.

Living alone on her island, the archetype of Circe is that of autonomous woman, self-empowered and whole unto herself. She does not need a man to complete her, although some stories tell of jealous tantrums where she unleashed her magic to metamorphose men and women who had crossed her.

Alone but not lonely, Circe's bouts of jealousy represents love in its irrational passion and remarkable power. This energy can be harnessed to enable your own transformation too. Let Circe's energy carry you forward, up and out of the life that is making you feel powerless.

The Truth

2010-05-18T16:45:00.001-05:00

I've been reading this zen website that talks a lot about simplifying your life. One of the articles I read today dealt with the notion of marginalizing, shall we say...thinking in smaller terms. But somehow I also took away the notion of the need for truthfulness from the same article. Being truthful is important, and I think it is time I am truthful with myself. So, here is my truth:

I am thirty years old, and I weigh 233.8 pounds as of this morning. I am five feet and two inches tall. I have been heavy all of my life, and I simply began believing that I was going to be heavy all of my life. I am a walking Venus of Willendorf, ask anyone I know, and they will tell you that I remind them of her.

Here's another truth: I have a poor body image. I know where it comes from, and I know what caused it; so, I will spare you that and simply leave it at that. I have it, and it contributes to the daily choices I make. I sabotage myself so that I stay in the discomfort zone because being in a comfortable place makes me nervous.

But here's another truth: Recently, I've taken back my life. I decided that I didn't like a lot of things in my life, and there needed to be change. Change has been a'happenin. Some have taken to it, and some have not. But it is there. So, change is happening INSIDE of me and all around me.

And here's the big truth: I don't want this weight anymore. In the last year, I have gained roughly 30 pounds. I don't want it anymore. I don't want the stress on my joints. I don't want the excess weight on my body. I just plain don't want it

But more than I want to be less dense, less rotund, I want to be healthy. I want to be able to stick to my eating clean regimen without it being a fight every day. I want to exercise so that my body feels better. So, new rules effective now until June 1:

1. Exercise five minutes every day. It makes me seem like a wimp, but I am out of shape, srsly.

2. Be prepared: plan ahead for the day's meals and have the right food on hand.

3. Be prepared: plan ahead to say no.

4. Take it meal by meal and step by step.

5. Reward yourself on June 2.

L'Anxietie

2010-05-08T17:48:00.000-05:00

Last night something happened to me that hasn't happened in a very long time: I had a full-on panic attack. Tears and everything. Over something so very simply I couldn't tell you why it happened. Today, I'm in recovery mode, I think, pulling into myself to try to figure out why it happened and petting myself to reassure me that it is all ok.

It is all ok. Everything is going to be fine. When you can do this, you'll do it. Not before, and not forced. Don't worry.

Don't worry.

Needy B*tch

2010-05-03T14:55:00.001-05:00

I'm a needy bitch. I know it. My husband knows it. Frog knows it. Everybody I know knows it, I think. I can't help it; it is part of my nature. I want to know that I did a good job. I want to know that my slave heart pleased someone. It is such a sweet sentiment, isn't it?

But CALL me a needy bitch? And I might have to change my panties. >.<

Frog calls it "high maintenance"....I don't care what you call it...just say it every now and then. :)

You needy bitch, you.

4/27/10

2010-04-28T10:56:00.001-05:00

I hate to admit when I'm having a bad day. I don't want anybody to think that my BPD is not under control. I'm terrified that if I have a single episode, everybody will be up in arms to tell me how much help I need. I'm under control. My BPD is well-controlled.

But I'm having a bad day. I want to cry. I want to go home and go to bed. Maybe that is why so many BPD patients are larger folks; we just want to crawl into bed and hide from the world. And even though I KNOW it isn't true, I feel lonely and unloved. The logical side of me says that it is just a mood swing, but the emotional side of me can't help but grab that vine and swing away.

I need to stop thinking about all of the things I don't have or won't have, and I need to focus upon the things I do have. Stop thinking about the negative, which drags me further down, and think about the positive. It is so hard to do in this frame of mind, though. It is hard to get out of this teary, dreary downswing - how hard it is to crawl back up from the little hole and into the light.

Ok--so what do I have right now that is positive:

I have a husband who loves me in the best way he can.

I have a wife who is genuinely making an effort to help me better our relationship.

I have a best friend who has always been there for me for support.

I have two new very good friends who are also supportive and giving.

I have a dog who is always happy to see me and loves me (just because I feed her probably LOL).

I have family that I will be seeing in a month.

I have a LIFE that I didn't have six months ago - a full life with things I enjoy doing, people I enjoy seeing, and needs met that weren't previously met.

AND I figured out how to beat big brother and still make blog posts at work. *flips them off*

4/26/10

2010-04-26T09:53:00.001-05:00

Things are happening in my life that are hard to explain. There is a lot of shifting going on; and I am afraid that if I share it, it will fly away like a butterfly caught and lost. I've been expressing a lot of it in my private journal, but I feel wordy today. So, an entry is a'comin.

One of the biggest shifts is with regards to my submission. It is a fluid, shifting, ever-present thing now. There are little things I do daily that keep me in the mindset, and there are big things I do to fully get me in the mindset. There is also a dominant in my life now who brings it out of me in spades. I'm taking things slowly, though, because I don't want to get ahead of myself and bring down a rain of hurt. I know that things will work out however they will work out, and I don't need to get in a tizzy over any of it. I'm just enjoying things as they are. It seems to be working out well because I'm not always in a frantic freak-out over anything. I just enjoy the situation as it is presented to me. I'm comfortable in this space. I'm comfortable in this situation. I'm comfortable with the way this situation is evolving and growing.

Other shifts are more private, and I keep them close to the chest because I don't want my words to be misconstrued. Some things are starting over. Some things are static and never changing. I'm coming into a place where "it's all about me." I'm taking care of myself over anybody else. I'm choosing myself over anybody else. I'm making decisions for myself that don't always include my loved ones. And I know that this is a hard transition for them, but I can't say that I'm sorry. I need to take care of me right now; so, I'm taking care of me right now. I am doing what I want to do, what I need to do, and that is how it is. It doesn't mean I don't have room in my life for anybody else - it just means that I see I can't give out the love I want to give out if I don't have any love inside of me to give. I have to cultivate it for myself before I can share it with others. And I'm doing that.

I'm also trying to lose some of the excess weight that I have gained through a multitude of years of self-hate and medication. Probably more self-hate than medication. As I re-learn to love myself, though, I am re-learning how to take care of myself properly. I am eating a better diet. I am treating myself more carefully, more respectfully. I have only seen a little progress so far; but I suppose a little bit of progress is better than no progress at all. I know that I am doing something good for myself and my body, and I have to trust that the results will come in their right time.

4/21/10

2010-04-21T15:10:00.000-05:00

Here's two things I learned today:

When I go off of my clean eating routine, I FEEL fat.
MSG makes me hurt.

Back story: Today is Administrative Professionals Day / Secretarys' Day (what the hell ever you want to call it). Our bosses took the entire clerical staff to a nearby Asian fusion restaurant to celebrate. I haven't had any sort of Asian / Chinese / Thai food since I began eating clean. Since it was for a celebration, I didn't feel I could decline. I had every intention of eating something "cleaner" when I got there; but before you know it, I have fried rice in front of me, and I'm shoveling it in. About halfway through my meal, I started to hurt. My friend Jaz and I have had numerous conversations about the correlation between MSG and pain, but I'd never had a way to test it. Consider the connection tested for me. I hurt really bad right now. I'm trying to flush it through with water, but I hurt a LOT.

Also, I haven't been doing great on my eating clean over the last couple of days, and I don't feel GOOD. I feel bloated, icky, and large. Rotund. It doesn't make me feel good at all.

*sigh*

Journal Prompt 4/12/10

2010-04-12T08:46:00.000-05:00

10 things you're grateful for
10. My phone
9. My house
8. My journal
7. My bed
6. My computer
5. My altar
4. My kitchen
3. My car
2. My bookshelf
1. My dog leash

9 people you love
9. Ted
8. Jenfrog
7. Tammy
6. My dad
5. My brother
4. My grandmother
3. My friend, dev
2. Mr. Moose
1. Ted's parents (ok that's two but they are a unit)

8 places you want to go
8. Spankfest
7. Wisconsin Dells
6. New England
5. Paris
4. Cairo
3. Jerusalem
2. Somewhere without any of my history
1. A cruise

7 things you can't live without
7. My dog
6. My phone
5. My computer
4. My refrigerator
3. My journal
2. My email account
1. My job

6 foods you love
6. A cold apple with peanut butter
5. Banana mush created by yours truly
4. Homemade pizza on wheat crust
3. String cheese
2. Carrots and hummus
1. Tuna casserole (with whole wheat pasta of course)

5 scents you love
5. Lavender
4. Vanilla
3. Lilac
2. Sandalwood
1. Sweaty man

4 books you have enjoyed
4. The Red Tent
3. Cunt
2. Living Well with Chronic Pain
1. The Idiot's Guide to Eating Clean

3 websites you visit regularly
3. Etsy.com
2. Blogger.com
1. Gmail.com

2 hopes and dreams you have for the future
2. Visiting Kansas
1. Seeing my brother soon

1 of your favorite places to journal
1. My journal (book)

Today's Layouts

2010-04-11T11:18:00.000-05:00

Side 1

Side 2

An 8x8

Did You Know?

2010-04-01T22:11:00.002-05:00

I have the best friends and family ever?

Now you do.

:)

Fish's First Turkey Burger

2010-03-30T20:25:00.002-05:00

WAHOO!

I Worked with Vellum!

2010-03-27T10:58:00.000-05:00

To finish my co-worker's project, I had it in my head that I was going to work with vellum. It has the see-through effect that I wanted. Here is the finished project. I hope she likes it!

Another Frame

2010-03-21T07:15:00.001-05:00

One of my co-workers asked me to put this together for her mom...

(hard to read. It says Mother.)

lunaKM

2010-03-17T21:21:00.000-05:00

luna poses this as today's prompt:

“Do not be like servants who serve their masters expecting to receive a reward; be rather like servants who serve their master unconditionally, with no thought of reward.” – Antigonus of Sokho

I swear I can hear frog saying this to me. Be the submissive internally. It has been a long time since I experienced this feeling, but I feel I am getting close. During the week, I try to do things for myself that keep me in the submissive frame of mind. Little things. Certainly, I think about certain people or certain things...certain times...certain scenes....but it is the little things I do for myself that keep me in the submissive frame of mind "with no thought of reward."

See, the thing is...those little things I do go unnoticed by anyone, but they are profound to me. They go unrewarded, but they make me feel the submissiveness in my heart. Anything I receive beyond that is like sprinkles on the cake.

....which reminds me, I have brownies!

Now

2010-03-16T16:33:00.000-05:00

I had to look back on my frame today and remind myself to live in the now. Right now, this is how it is. Right now, it isn't changing. Right now, it isn't helping me to fret over it.

Right now is just right now. Right now has the potential to be free of clouds of worry, if i will let that happen. Right now has the potential to be a good moment, if i will let that happen.

It is ok to look back - on good times or bad - but dwelling and getting all up in my head, again, isn't helping me - even if I'm looking back on something good. It is time to keep moving forward. Forge ahead and see what happens. Keeping the mind locked outside of right now means I don't get to experience right now. And although right now is pretty boring, i.e. work and such, it still is a moment that COULD BE good and groovy.

It is important for me to remember that no matter how much I want to keep my feelings close, guarded, sheltered, I have to let them come and go as they will. There is a fluidity that must be maintained because holding onto something means you've occupied space that could be filled with something else. Feelings should come and go like this; nothing should ever be stagnant or withheld. Nothing should ever be kept on too long that it becomes less joyful.

It was a joyful time I experienced. It is a joyful memory I carry lightly, loosely; and gradually, I let go to make room for what comes next.

The Runes

2010-03-11T22:34:00.000-06:00

The second tattoo I got consisted of a line of runes down the middle of my back. Lately, they have been talking to me, wanting me to pay attention to their meaning. So, here we go. The order I talk about them is the order they are tattooed on my back.

YR: Protection
This comes first and before all others because it is the eye that can see behind me. Some people have Jesus or Mary tattooed on their back for the same reason - to watch their back, to see what it coming up behind them. When I first started doing spiritual work, I felt a great need for protection. Now, I feel I have built myself up to protect myself, but this rune is a reminder to do so, and it is a reminder of the work needed to be done in order to protect one's self.

Ansur: Wisdom
There's an old saying: With age comes wisdom. But I don't believe that to be true because I know some pretty stupid old people. I more believe that with experience comes wisdom. Some of the wisest people in my life aren't what one would consider "old." This is my reminder to achieve not just common sense, not just book learning, but wisdom - the all encompassing knowledge that ties everything together.

Sigel: Honor
When I got this tattoo, it was meant in the way of the warrior. To fight the good fight with honor. But now, it has taken on an entirely new meaning for me. Honor thyself. I have been working long and hard to honor myself, to show myself gratitude and compassion, and to lift myself out of the darkness and into the light. Some days, I slip back down, but I have a good support system in place to help me on those days, and they honor me, too, when they help me.

Dang: Self
All roads lead to self. Protection of self. The wisdom within one's self. Honoring thyself. Because everything begins and ends with me. All of the tantrums and mood swings begin and end with me. I have the power to let them take over or not. All of the beauty and good days begin and end with me because I have the choice to let them in or not. To quote a friend, "It's all about me these days."

Jara: Reward
When we have gone through the list, there comes the reward for all of the hard work. For all of the fine tuning of the self, there is the reward. For all of the bad days endured, there is the reward. The tricky thing is that the reward is ever changing as I am ever changing. Every day, my reward is something different, and my goal is to find the reward every day.

Taking Chances

2010-03-10T12:32:00.001-06:00

I don't really consider myself a chance-taking girl. I like routine. If my routine is messed up, I sort of crumble apart. I'm not very spontaneous, usually, because of the aforementioned heart for routine. The routine keeps all of my emotional baggage, history, and mental weirdness in check. If I deviate from the routine, I don't know how to get back to it; and then, I freak out.

But lately, I've been taking chances all over the place.

In October, I took a huge chance by asking my husband if I could have his blessing to return to the local D/s scene despite the fact that he emphatically told me he didn't want to do so himself. With his blessing, I took another chance and jumped back into the scene and went to a party. I cried a lot at that party, but I went. I did it.

Another chance has come my way, and I'm not really ready to share it. It could be such a good thing for me, and I really want it to work out. I'm afraid if I talk about it, I'll jinx it. Suffice it to say that over the past month, I have been making preparations for a big chance that is coming up this Friday. This is the sort of thing I didn't think I'd ever be capable of doing, but I'm doing it. I'm TRUSTING - and that is the big issue. I am trusting people outside of my core support group.

I even did it at the last party! I trusted someone new, and I went to a new place. I expanded my horizons; and all I had to do was to agree with the question I was asked. "Do you want to do this?" Well, sure! And it was amazing, and wonderful, and lovely, and I hope they ask again.

So, here I am taking chances all over the place, learning new things about the world and myself, expanding my notion of trust, and, I think, sloughing off a little bit of the fear of abandonment.......because I am ok by myself. I am enough on my own.

I'm good enough. I'm strong enough. And god dammit, people like me.

I Sleep Alone

2010-03-07T14:23:00.000-06:00

Yeah With Nobody Else. You know when I sleep alone, I prefer to be by myself.
{kudos to those of you who got the reference.}

One of these days I'm going to be the little old lady who sleeps alone in her own room. Hub works third shift; so, I'm not accustomed to sleeping with him, which makes the weekends particularly difficult - even with frog. However, this weekend, I have spent a significant amount of time SLEEPING with frog.

It is pretty awesome.

Grateful

2010-03-05T11:23:00.002-06:00

1.warmly or deeply appreciative of kindness or benefits received; thankful: I am grateful to you for your help.
2.expressing or actuated by gratitude: a grateful letter.
3.pleasing to the mind or senses; agreeable or welcome; refreshing: a grateful breeze.

You know I'm a word person, right? So, when today's card came up, I immedately went to dictionary.com. (The card was "I am grateful for...") And I could take the easy way out and give you a list of 25 things I am grateful for, but things are just things. Everything I have could burn down to the ground, and I would be alright. Things are things.

This is going to blow your mind because it blew mine when I had the thought.

I am grateful for me.

I am filled with gratefulness for my own creation knowing I was created in this fashion for a purpose. I am pleasing to myself, to my senses, to my spirit, to my mind. I am welcome in and to myself. Isn't that a turnaround from not so long ago? I feel welcome to myself. I feel grateful to myself because I have done a lot of hard work to get here. I have gone through a lot to get to this position, but I put in a lot of work to get here. I didn't just let it fall in my lap. Did I need help? Sure, but I recognized the need for help; and somehow, I managed to ask for it.

I am grateful for me.

Puzzled

2010-02-23T13:38:00.000-06:00

My journal prompt for today is "Puzzled," but I feel more like it should be "puzzle." I am a puzzle, and I am constantly seeking out the right pieces of myself that fit with the other right pieces of myself. Everything changes, though, and the pieces are constantly in flux. Sometimes it is frustrating; sometimes it is easy to go with the flow.

Today has been a bit of a frustrating day, as was yesterday. I feel as though I just want to "do it right" - no matter what "IT" is. If I don't do it right, I feel frustrated and defeated. (For example: I am pretty sure that I am already over my calorie limit for today. I'm not positive because I haven't looked, but the big salad I had for lunch accompanied by the McDonald's didn't do much to help the process...which means I didn't do today right.) One of the puzzle pieces that never changes is my obsession with perfection, doing it right, no flaws. No matter how much self-talk I practice, I can't ever seem to let that obsession go. I know where it comes from, and I can trace its roots all the way back through my childhood - but that doesn't matter. The here and now matters, and I still can't figure out how to get that one piece of the puzzle to mesh with the rest. With the rest of the pieces, there's give and take. As I said, they are constantly in flux - they mold to fit one another and come into harmony. But this one piece, this one frigging, little piece just won't budge. It sits in the middle of all the others lording over everybody.

And I know it sounds awfully odd, but that's the mental picture I have in my head of that one puzzle piece. All of the others smooth into a picture of me with some fluidity, except that ONE. And that is the one that messes me up every day. Every stinking day.

Maybe if I hammer it to death.....?

And for the ladies...

2010-02-19T15:27:00.000-06:00

Ladies' playlist:

Landslide by The Dixie Chicks
Uninvited by Alanis
Your Little Secret by Melissa Etheridge
On and On by Erykah Badu
Zombie by The Cranberries
Gold Dust Woman by Hole
Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis
The Child is Gone by Fiona Apple
Standing Still by Jewel
Chrome-Plated Heart by Melissa Etheridge
Adia by Sarah MacLachlan
I Drove All Night by Cyndi Lauper
Single Ladies by Beyonce
Whenever, Wherever by Shakira
Just A Girl by No Doubt
Who Invited You by The Donnas
Black Velvet by Alannah Myles
Mama by Beth Hart

Download, shuffle, enjoy...with a bubble bath. :)

Updated Play List

2010-02-18T10:42:00.010-06:00

Fish's Current Musical Enjoyment:

Careless Whispers by Seether
Quicksand Jesus by Skid Row
She Talks to Angels by The Black Crowes
Simple Man by Shinedown
Sweet Dreams by Marilyn Manson
The Beautiful People by Marilyn Manson
The Dope Show by Marilyn Manson
Hurt by Johnny Cash
Pussy Liquor by Rob Zombie
Remedy by The Black Crowes
Falling to Pieces by Faith No More
Clincher by Chevelle
Don't Cry by Guns N Roses
Guerrilla Radio by Rage Against the Machine
Fuck Me Like You Hate Me by Seether
The Distance by Cake
Closer by NIN
No. 1 Crush by Garbage
Hey Man Nice Shot by Filter
Last Dance with Mary Jane by Tom Petty

Download, burn it to your whatever, and shuffle, baby!

The Oreo Dilemma

2010-02-16T01:47:00.000-06:00

It is one thirty in the morning, and, as I was in bed awake, I thought to myself "Hey, I'd like a pack of Oreos." So, I got up and had a pack of Oreos. (They come six to a pack. No, I don't share with Epona.)

And now I'm feeling Oreo remorse.

My eating is spiraling out of control. The only thing keeping it in check, I think, is the daily exercise routine that I actually managed to start. But I'm not losing anything; I'm just maintaining the round weight I have already achieved. (definately a round number)

The intuitive eating side of me is telling me "Who cares? Eat the damn Oreo." The socially-molded side of me says "Don't eat that Oreo or you'll never be pretty."

The question is, I think, is can I be happy maintaining this weight? The exercise I am doing is bound to increase endurance increases, but who knows how long before weight becomes an issue with regards to that. Remember that three mile stuff from months ago? I think it is an utter fantasy that I will ever be RUNNING three miles a day.

Oreo remorse sucks.

Task: Labels

2010-02-13T19:58:00.002-06:00

Recent Scrappy Stuff

2010-02-13T19:57:00.000-06:00

Chicky's welcome back card.

Frog's V-day card

A few things...

2010-02-11T10:11:00.000-06:00

No
Asking and receiving
Martyr-fish

I had to make myself a list because I didn't want to forget the things I wanted to explore today. (It is already a slow day.) Ok, so here we go...

Everywhere, all over the world, there are people asking for things they just cannot have. We are taught this from an early age. No, you can't have that cupcake. No, you can't have that toy. Personally, I was taught that I couldn't have suchandsuch because I had done something wrong. Don't get me wrong, sometimes no was just no, but I recall many a situation that no was because I had been "bad", I cried during the wrong time, or I said something my untreated bipolar mother didn't enjoy. I learned to internalize no. I'm trying not to jump to number four here, but I really did inherit the belief that "no" meant something was wrong with me. It was my fault somehow, and I should feel guilty. It has never crossed my mind that "no" might mean anything other than that. When Hub told me he didn't want to go back to our D/s community, I immediately thought of all the things that were wrong with me. Immediately. Like in the time it took for a heart to beat, I had a list ready to go. His "no" meant I was unworthy. This happened to me recently, too. Frog told me no for something, and I immediately was wallowing in unworthiness. It was my fault. I hadn't been good enough (even though I had done everything she'd asked me to do). So, I have turned "no" into my own personal form of self-torture, and I'm really not happy with that anymore. So, starting today, no is just no. I don't need a reason for it. I don't need a history behind it. No is just no. It is just a word. It doesn't mean anything is wrong with me. It doesn't mean I've been bad somehow. It just is. No does not define me as a person.

Onto the next....asking and receiving. I always feel bad about asking for things because of the no issue. What if they say no? Then, I would be on this tremendous trip in my head, and everything would be out of whack. So, I taught myself that it was better to not ask. In a D/s sense, I even taught myself that it was not a slave's position to ask. But that's really not the way things work, and I'm trying really hard to re-teach myself that. So, here are a few reminders for me:

People cannot read your mind.
People cannot read your body language.
If you don't say anything, nobody will ever know what you are thinking, what you want, or what you need.
If you were dying, you'd ask for that piece of cloth to cover your wound. Think of all situations like that. What if this might be the last time I get to do such and such?

All of this leads back to martyr-fish. I'm still struggling with her because she just does not want to let go of me. She's had such a tight grip on me for so long, she thinks that she is entitled to all of me. But she doesn't make me happy, and I'm really ready to move on. I'm ready to make some new connections. I'm ready to ask and be fulfilled. I really am ready for new experiences because I've already had all of these over and over again.

Somebody lend me a crowbar so I can get this bitch off my back?

Worrisome

2010-02-10T15:21:00.000-06:00

I worry.

A lot.

Some people worry that their children will be struck by lightning on the way to school. Some people worry that they will get fat and ugly. Some people worry that they will be hit by a car if they don't walk on a certain side of the street. Some people worry about other people because they impede upon their space.

Me?

I worry that all of my baggage and bullshit piled together is going to run my loved ones off. Even though they have stood with me, tried and true, I worry. I am needy. I am high maintenance. And I don't understand why people put up with me. Truly, I do not.

So, my worry turns to frenzy. My frenzy turns to internal ravaging and screaming "please don't leave me." But I can't let it show. I don't want you to know that I'm not ok - even though I'm sure it is fairly obvious. I'm normal on the outside, you see, just like you.

But I worry that you can see me, too. And I worry what it is that you really see. And I worry if you think it is ugly. And I worry if you're going to grow tired of trying to help fix me. And I worry if you're going to go away. And I worry because I just don't know how to do anything else but worry.

Top Ten?

2010-02-03T12:30:00.001-06:00

The duck asked me to make a list of my top ten favorite songs and their artists. I have been listening to music on my Sansa all morning; so, I figured I could do this....Here we go:

Careless Whispers by Seether
Quicksand Jesus by Skid Row
She Talks to Angels by The Black Crowes
Simple Man by Shinedown
Sweet Dreams by Marilyn Manson
The Beautiful People by Marilyn Manson
Funky Reggae Party by Bob Marley
Once Bitten, Twice Shy by Great White
Feelin' Love by Paula Cole
Uninvited by Alanis Morrissette (sp?)

Say Never Never

2010-02-03T09:14:00.000-06:00

Martyr:

a person who undergoes severe or constant suffering: a martyr to severe headaches.
a person who seeks sympathy or attention by feigning or exaggerating pain, deprivation, etc.

As I peel back the layers of myself on this new path, I realize that one of my many personality facets is a martyr. I realized it last night while I was on the phone with Jen. I make myself a martyr so that my reality sounds worse than what it truly is. Why do I do that? So I get what I want.

But at the same time, I realized that I have to take what I want, ask for what I want, and otherwise make known what I want. And then came this from my calendar:

"There is no delight in owning anything unshared."

Ask for what you need. If said partner is asleep when what you need arises, take it. Instead of bemoaning the lack of human contact, I cozied up to my partner and wrapped my arms around him - fulfilling my own need by my own actions.

I seriously, really think I am making progress.

STRONGS

2010-02-02T14:36:00.000-06:00

Guess what I did, you guys?

I started the walking program a few days early. On Thursday of last week, I started doing stairs in my home. At least three flights every day. My dog looks at me like I am crazy, but I'm doing it. I start the treadmill today. And this all started from a very simple realization:

I don't feel strong, which means that I feel weak.

That is completely unacceptable in the new world. Don't misunderstand me, having moments of weakness is ok. Sometimes, you need to have moments of weakness, but feeling weak 24/7 is not ok. And then, I started to think this: I don't feel strong, and I am needy because I don't feel strong. I cling because I don't feel strong. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop because I don't feel strong. And trust me when I say I am one of the neediest people I know. Ask frog: she calls me high maintenance, and I really think she's just being nice when she says it that way.

So, when all of this began to congeal in my head, I started looking for the weakest part of me. I hunted high and low, but it really wasn't a hard search. The weakest part of me is my body image and, therefore, my self-esteem physically. With that in mind, the answer seemed simple. Fix it. Change the body image. Literally, it was midnight when I did my first set of stairs.

The course is simple: Make the body strong with the goal of making the body image strong. One is tied to the other, and you can't do one without the other. I'm going to get my strong on, you'll see...

It's all in the details...

2010-02-02T14:06:00.000-06:00

I took this photo from my phone to send to frog so she could see the frame at work in my cubbyhole, but you can actually see more of the detailing from this photo than from any of the others I have taken.

AND.

I have been asked if I would make a frame for someone's mother for pay. Someone wants to pay me to make them a frame like this. How crazy is that?

The Slave Heart

2010-02-01T21:37:00.000-06:00

Also known as:

The submissive heart
The service-guided heart

It isn't something you can get away from. You either have one or you don't. I've been running from mine for five years. Here's the thing:

I haz one.

I have had one for as long as I can remember. When I do things for Ted, even though he is not my "dominant", I am fulfilling my service-guided heart. When I do things for Jen, that she has asked me to do, I am receiving fulfillment of my service-guided heart. When I give fiona the things she needs as a submissive, I am fulfilling my service-guided heart as well as fulfilling her needs. It is all a process, and it all comes back to the slave heart. It all comes back to a heart that wants to give.

At the same time, I want to be rewarded for my service. I want those trinkets of affection. I want those moments of reward and those acknowledgements of my service-guided heart. I want to hear someone tell me that I am doing well. I want to wear someone's badge of acknowledgement. Does that make me selfish? I don't think it does; I think it is the flip side of having such a heart. It is a neediness (which I will discuss in the next post) that comes with the territory.

I think. Everything is still kind of fuzzy. The only thing I know for sure is that I have a service-oriented heart. I have a giving heart instead of a taking heart, and I am good at identifying what people need and giving it to them. I am good at playing roles; but in the end, I come back to me and my slave heart, which also deserves attention. It doesn't deserve to be ignored anymore. But the only way I can un-ignore it is to ask for what I need, as frog tells me. It is still hard to ask for what I need, but I am getting better at it.

At least I hope I am getting better at it.

Frame Task Addendum

2010-01-31T14:31:00.001-06:00

<--This is a second frame I did that is just a smaller version of the first. It is 5 by 7. I originally intended to do this one in silver and gold, but it came out in gold and brown tones. It is growing on me. I intend to take this one to work so I can have the self talk mantra with me at my desk.

This is where the frame landed - on my altar. That is Kwan Yin alongside of it reminding me to have compassion for myself.

Current Top Ten

2010-01-29T12:24:00.000-06:00

Fish's current top ten things of luv:

The Everyday Scrapper
Roeder convicted of murder
The three sweaters hub bought for me because he luvs me
Sleeping in on a Saturday
Finally figuring out how to let the dog play outside and get her back inside without a fight
"Careless Whispers" by Seether (still my favorite song right now)
Donuts
Not being broke as I thought I was
Little doggies - even when they don't feel good
Epona Marie - My always most favorite girl

Task: Frame

2010-01-26T20:22:00.000-06:00

The fish is a rock star.

Definition

2010-01-26T10:23:00.001-06:00

"What does define you as a person? I have label issues, too - "I'm bipolar," rather than "I have bipolar disorder." So help me... What do criteria do you use to define yourself and what is the definition of Melissa?"

I'm a word person. When confronted with questions like these, I usually turn to the "definition" of the words in the question so I can clearly answer what is being asked. The definition of definition is this: the act of defining or making definite, distinct, or clear. The very definition of the word makes this question hard to answer because I am learning that I have no definite definition.

Isn't that just a wow moment? Like OMG, right?

I have no clear, defining definition of who I am because I am constantly changing, constantly rearranging, constantly growing, and constantly getting better. I wish, so very much (really, you don't know how much), that I could say "this is who and what I am," but I am learning that those are labels, and I'm trying to get away from labels.

Right now, in this moment, my criteria for self-definition are as follows:

Am I a good person? Yes.
Can I follow directions? Yes.
Can I make change for the better? Yes.

That's all for right now because everything else is, and probably always will be, in flux. It all comes back to allowing yourself to exist beyond your boundaries. Here's another list that might help:

I am married to Ted, but that does not define me as a person.
Right now, in my heart, I belong to frog, but that does not define me as a person.
Right now, in my heart, fiona belongs to me, but that does not define me as a person.
I work for XXXXX, but that does not define me as a person.
I take umpteenthirty pills every day, but that does not define me as a person.

I don't think it is about the criteria that define you as a person...I think it is about letting go of the criteria you used to give control to in defining you as a person...

Walking Program

2010-01-25T10:38:00.000-06:00

I found this walking program in a magazine, and I have been thinking about trying it. I think it might be a little aggressive for my RA, but I'm not sure. I'm still ruminating over whether or not I'm ready to try it. Here's how it goes:

Week One:
Monday: Walk briskly for 30 minutes on a flat surface
Tuesday: Walk up and down 2 or 3 flights of stairs
Wednesday: Walk briskly for 30 minutes on a flat surface
Thursday: Rest or lift some light weights to strengthen your upper body
Friday: Walk briskly for 30 minutes on a flat surface or hilly terrain
Saturday: Walk up and down 3 flights of stairs
Sunday: Go for a leisurely 45- to 60-minute walk

Week Two:
Monday: Walk briskly for 30 minutes on a flat surface
Tuesday: Walk up and down 4 flights of stairs
Wednesday: Walk briskly for 30 minutes on a flat surface
Thursday: Rest or lift some light weights to strengthen your upper body
Friday: Walk briskly for 30 minutes on a flat surface or hilly terrain
Saturday: Walk up and down 5 flights of stairs
Sunday: Go for a leisurely 45- to 60-minute walk

Week Three:
Monday: Walk briskly for 30 minutes on a flat surface
Tuesday: Walk up and down 6 flights of stairs
Wednesday: Walk briskly for 30 minutes on a flat surface
Thursday: Rest of lift some light weights to strengthen your upper body
Friday: Walk briskly for 30 minutes on a flat surface or hilly terrain
Saturday: Walk up and down 7 flights of stairs
Sunday: Go for a leisurely 45- to 60-minute walk

Week Four:
Monday: Walk briskly for 30 minutes on a flat surface
Tuesday: Walk up and down 8 flights of stairs
Wednesday: Walk briskly for 30 minutes on a flat surface
Thursday: Rest or lift some light weights to strengthen your upper body
Friday: Walk briskly for 30 minutes on a flat surface or hilly terrain
Saturday: Walk up and down 9 flights of stairs
Sunday: Go for a leisurely 45- to 60-minute walk

The thing that scares me is the stairs. What do you think?

Task: Part II

2010-01-23T22:22:00.001-06:00

Layout Task: Part I

2010-01-22T20:21:00.000-06:00

<-"in pieces"

The theme: Who / how I feel I am now.

Fly from the Inside

2010-01-22T14:05:00.002-06:00

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have been looking at this quote for a week and thinking about what it means to me. What lies within me? What lies within me beyond the labels...beyond the common terms...beyond what I tell myself in the down moments. What is truly the fillet o'fish, as it were.

But the truth is I don't know. I have spent such a long time living with labels that I don't know how to describe myself (notice I did not say define) without a label. Part of that comes from the society we live in; we don't know how to approach someone unless they have a label we can identify. (I just had to give an introduction on a listserv I am on, and every single introduction was chock full of labels.) That's how we recognize one another. Label A matches Label A, and Label B matches Label B. Label A and Label B don't generally get along. But what happens when you're Label PRQTZ? But also, part of this comes from within. I label myself. I label myself a metric TON. I learned early on in life that it was easier to tell people what I wasn't or was than to try to have a conversation about it. Conversations involved sharing stuff about myself, and I wasn't comfortable doing that. I'm still not comfortable giving away precious information, and I still label myself - but at least now I question it. Why do I need the labels? I interact with people who are Label A all the way to Label ZBHYT. Why do *I* need to label *myself*? Here's what I think I've learned:

I am bisexual, but it does not define me as a person.
I am a pagan, but it does not define me as a person.
I am a rape / sexual molestation survivor, but it does not define me as a person (though it did for a really long time).
I am a submissive, but it does not define me as a person.
I am a dominant, but it does not define me as a person.
I have multiple personalities, but this does not define me as a person.
I have multiple health issues, but they do not define me as a person.
I am polyamorous, but it does not define me as a person.
I am a liar, a cheat, a thief, a beggar, and a princess, but these labels do not define me as a person.
I am engaging, effervescent, socially inept, and dramatically needy, but these things do not define me as a person.

And maybe that is the whole point. Maybe we're not supposed to define ourselves with labels. Maybe, in the end, we're meant to surpass labels and just be who we are. You know, think outside of the box a little bit. Maybe the point is to smoosh all of those labels together like play dough and make a nice, pretty rainbow on the inside.

Starting Over

2010-01-15T10:25:00.002-06:00

I bought a new date book for 2010; and along with enough space to keep my daily food tracking, it has little snippets of inspiration at the top of the page. This is this week's snippet:

"To visualize time as a clock can make us feel that life too is ticking itself away. Regain a sense of control by imagining instead that time is an hourglass that you can turn over whenever you choose, to start afresh. Don't be constrained by the choices of the past: make changes in the present and live the life you desire."

I've bolded the last sentence because this is really what is pertinent to me right now. Insert self talk: Don't be constrained by the past. Don't let yourself be contained by past memories, past wrongs, or past hurts. Let it go. Remember that you cannot change what has already happened, and you cannot change anybody else but yourself. Those hurtful things did happen to you in the past, but they do not define you right now. It is ok to remember those things and think about those things from time to time, but don't dwell. And remember, it's ok to have bad days. We all do, but don't have eight bad days in a row.

As for making changes, I have been making changes (with a lot of help) for the better, and I think I am beginning to show progress. Insert self talk here: It is ok to take the babiest of baby steps. It is all a process, and not everything is going to happen right now. Your bipolar is characterized by sudden, often paralyzing fits of depression, but try to keep in mind that it will pass. Hold on to that thought: It will pass. If you need someone to tell you to get out of bed, try to be that person once in a while and tell yourself to get out of bed. If you need help, remember to ask for it. Don't seek out negativity because you will be sucked in; it is easy for you to get stuck in your head with all of the what ifs, and you don't need that. If you need affection, remember that you can give that to yourself as well. You can be the caretaker you need, too. Start slow. Take it easy. And remember, it's ok to have bad days. Everybody does, but don't have eight bad days in a row.

Insert more self talk here: Live the life you want. Don't live the life you think you should be living. You are not defined by what has happened to you in the past, what is happening to you now, or what will happen to you in the future. Only you can define yourself. Make choices that make you happy. Do things that make you happy. Ask for things that make you happy. Ask for things that meet your needs. Do things for yourself that meet your needs, and don't judge yourself for having needs that are different. Do things that feel good even if other people think you are weird. You don't have to be labeled by someone else's standards. You don't have to be labeled at all. You can just be you, no matter how long it takes to get there.

Don't forget, it is all a process. Let it happen.

WMS/Trust/Health

2010-01-05T12:52:00.002-06:00

Sometimes, you just need to be touched. No matter how hard or soft, you just need to be touched.

So, trust is a big issue with me. Even within my sphere of closest loved ones, trust is a big issue with me. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm always waiting for the abandonment. (Yes, I'm in therapy.) So, when I choose to show trust to someone, it is a struggle because how they react determines if I'll show trust to them again in the future and / or how much trust I will show to them in the future. I chose to show trust to two people on Saturday night - people I love, and people I already have trusted in the past. But this was a new trust, an unfamiliar territory kind of trust. And they didn't let me down. Thanks guys. Love you.

I haven't been taking very good care of myself lately. It started around Thanksgiving and has lasted through the entire Christian holiday season. I have been drinking gallons of Diet Dr. Pepper, eating hoardes of chocolate, and sleeping like a hibernating bear. The effects are beginning to show: on my body, on my psyche, on my emotional wellbeing. I don't make New Year's resolutions because I don't celebrate the New Year in January, but I do recognize that there are some things I need to do to help take better care of my body:

Drink less pop. I've already had one less today than I had yesterday. Progress.
Drink more water.
Eat less chocolate. This one couples with check my blood sugar more often with the nifty new blood sugar meter mooky sent to me, which I have to figure out how to use...
Nap. It is apparent to me and my fibromyalgia that naps help me function. An after-work nap makes the evening go much smoother. Anything beyond two hours, though, no longer qualifies as a nap and is qualified as sleep. Set an alarm.
Move. I haven't been moving very much lately; and with this cold, it is hard to get my joints to cooperate, but movement is really important to my health. I'm going to start getting back into my yogalates; and when I can kick the dog out of the house long enough to use the treadmill again, I will start walking again.

The problem is this: it is easy to SAY "Yes, I'm going to do all of this stuff"; but when it comes time to do everything, I fall short. Always. I lack motivation. I think it is tied directly to my lack of self worth - I don't feel that I deserve to be happy, healthy, or anything. Why is that? I, often, feel that I don't deserve to be here. Why?

Mooky says: I recognize that there are people in my past that have influenced my life choices; but ultimately, I am in control. I wonder if she will let me steal that for my mantra.

A Meditation

2009-12-02T10:50:00.002-06:00

A Survival Mediation
by Nathan Walker

breathing in
i am aware of my pain.
breathing out
i am aware that i am not my pain.

breathing in
i am aware of my past.
breathing out
i am aware that i am not my past.

breathing in
i am aware of my anger.
breathing out
i am aware that i am not my anger.

breathing in
i am aware of my despair.
breathing out
i am aware that i am not my despair.

breathing in
i am aware of peace.
breathing out
i am aware that i am worthy of peace.

breathing in
i am aware of love.
breathing out
i am aware that i am worthy of love.

breathing in
i am aware of joy.
breathing out
i am aware that i am an agent of joy.

breathing in
i am aware of hope.
breathing out
i am aware that i am an agent of hope.

breathing in
i am aware.

The Bad Touch

2009-11-17T19:25:00.002-06:00

So, you know how I blogged earlier about wishing someone would just want to reach out and touch me? Yeah, the problem is that I don't really like to be touched. In my mind, I am a physical person. In reality, I'm not. Physical touch makes me nervous. A lot of times, it hurts. So, I try to reconcile this desire to feel intimate with others (because that is what touch is...intimacy) with my sensitivity to being touched.

It is hard. I want to be loved. I want to know that I am loved. I want proof of that love - just like everybody else. People often think that because I'm a poly person, all of my needs are met - that my cup over floweth. But the fact is that it isn't true because I have a hard time communicating my needs. I have a hard time expressing my desires and needs because I learned from an early age to put everyone else first. I'm trying to re-align my thinking because I'm learning that if I do express my desires, chances are they will be met. It is hard, though, because it is almost like I am hard wired to swallow my own voice. And when I do finally communicate, I blow up like a whale, which isn't good either. So, I'm trying to re-teach myself this process.

It is all related to this process of loving myself because I have to love myself enough to vocalize. I have to value myself enough to verbalize my needs. Like I said, it is a process...

human contact

2009-11-16T20:18:00.001-06:00

...sometimes i just want someone to want to touch me....to want to attack me...to want to physically love me...

...i am so lonely for physical human contact...

dreamz

2009-11-09T10:56:00.000-06:00

I haven't had dreams for years. I know, I know...they say that everybody has dreams but not everybody could remember them. I've been on Ambien for years, though; so, no dreams. Only knocked out sleepiness.

Since I've been off the Ambien, though, my dreams are returning. Ohboy are they returning. I sent something to frog about a dream I had about her. If she gives her permission, I will post it here.

I didn't sleep last night due to muscle spasms all.nignt.long and I'm about as groggy as hell.....

A few days...

2009-11-02T08:04:00.002-06:00

A new year!

For those of you unfamiliar with fish-time, 10/31/09 is "new years eve" and 11/1/09 marks a new spiritual year. The wheel turns. This time it turned with a lot of change. I spent 10/31/09 at a party, and it was really exactly what I needed. It re-affirmed that in the end, no matter how hard I try to change it, I have a submissive heart. And I'm more ok with that now than I was a few weeks ago.

For my costume, I was going for comfort. Knowing it was going to be a long night, I didn't want to be all trussed up in something unfathomable; so, I bought some scrubs from Wal-Mart and went as a nurse. Crocs and all. :) I was very comfortable, and I got a lot of compliments on my hand-made mask. (It was kinda sorta a mardi gras theme.)

Yesterday, Hub and I spent the day running errands, cleaning stuff out, and generally being busyworky. It was nice to spend time with him, though, in a downtime kind of way. I even took a nap.

Today is the first day of my new part-time status at work; so, I'm suddenly over-laden with time. I still have thirty minutes or so before I need to go to work. Already today we've walked the dog, I took a shower, styled my hair, put make-up on, and had coffee. I've caught up on email and blogs, and now I'm actually making a fairly coherent blog post. This might be the start of a new morning routine! I still have to pack my lunch for today, though. I need to not forget to do that.

So, as this new spiritual year dawns, I feel blessed. I feel humble. I feel claimed and calmed. I hope you all feel the same.

Happy New Year. :)

OMG Really?

2009-10-27T16:21:00.002-05:00

So. I was browsing around a little bit, not really aiming for anything, when I found this.

Really?

Obesogens? Are we really to the point where we're coming up with names for our fat hate now? This goes right in line with the insurance company denying a fat baby coverage last week because he was, say it with me now, a fat baby. Now we're trying to figure out why babies are fat. In the beginning of the article, the writer touts how babies shouldn't be fat at all because they don't eat buttered-down popcorn. So the answer must be obesogens!

OH NOES!

Come on, really. I will be the first one to tell you that stuffing that large popcorn with butter down into your belly all by yourself really may not make you feel that great - but is it the sole reason you're a fat guy? Not so much. And I will be the first one to tell you that a little forward momentum will make a girl feel better in the long run, but is a lack of exercise the sole reason you have "couch potatofication?" Not likely. People like butter. People don't always like exercise. It is not the sole reason we're fat.

Some people are just fat.

Chew on that for a while, just if you will. But while you do, let's explore this: We're a fat species because we're evolving.

That's right. I said it. We've evolved into fat people. We're the high class now, poncho!

Alright, so follow me on this: As humans evolved, we had to hunt, gather, and / or kill our food, right? So there were weeks, possibly months of lean times. As we grew into a culture, our combining food skills grew and there was less of the lean times. Even during our great depression, people were farming. Yes, there wasn't a lot to go around, but we weren't all spread out killing one beastie at a time.

We have evolved into a consumer society, which means that somebody else does the slaughtering of the beasties for us. When we're hungry, food is right there for our taking; and even at poverty level, there is food. We're not a lean species any more. But most people can't accept that. We have to blame the fat on SOMETHINGOMG!

So, now we have fat-causing chemicals making our babies fat. Like tiny little ZOMGs popping into our children and fattening them out.

Seriously, please look past the obesogens and think for yourself. Fifty years ago, if you had a fat baby, people would say he / she was cute. Now, he's just a fat baby with no insurance.

I Can Hear The Bells

2009-10-21T09:23:00.003-05:00

OK - I told you (my two whole readers...?) that I would write about Hairspray today, and I am a fish of my word.

First, I'll start with the stuff I didn't like about it; and then, we'll get to why it is important to me right now.

For starters, I really would have liked it better if they got an actual fat-and-fabulous actress to play Edna. To be honest, I thought John Travolta as a chick was pretty funny; but the more I see it (on permanent loop in my dvd player right now), I wish they'd have gone with a woman. A fat woman. A fabulous woman. Like they did for Maybelle - Queen Latifah? Big, blonde, and beautiful!

Ok second, the powers that be on this movie portray this: Fat girls are fat because they can't stop eating. Tracy has candy bars snuck under her pillow. Edna can't say no to some braised chicken or cornbread. It smacks of "you're fat because you can't stop eating." And even though it is a work of fiction, I'd have liked it if they left out the little candybars. Let's have a fat girl be fat just because she is. We don't need to know the reason why.

Ok, so those are my two downers. On the whole, though, I am in love with this movie. Wanna know why? THE FAT GIRL WINS. Let's put all of the integration aside for a moment (even though woo!) and just make it about that. The fat girl wins in a big way. Hairspray is on its second or third incarnation, and I think this one is the best yet because Tracy Turnblatt is unashamed of her difference, her fat. Throughout the whole movie, she's dancing, singing, and gyrating all over the place because she's OK in her fat. And I love that. And at the end? Everybody's in on the fat show, and I loved it. There are some really, really good moments in this movie aimed directly at anybody who is different from the norm. You're different, too? Hey, that's ok! That is the theme for the entire movie, and it really got me. Makes a fat girl wanna win, too. :)

Current Faves

2009-10-20T15:05:00.002-05:00

10 current favorite things:

Just My Size blue jeans, size 18, dark wash (I prefer boot cut over classic, but the classics fit well also.)
Butterfly Flower body spray and lotion from Bath and Body Works
www.paperbackswap.com
Health at Every Size by Linda Bacon
The movie Hairspray
Sam's Choice Clearly American Water, Mediterranean Orange
Lucinda Darkly by Sunny
Careless Whispers by Seether (cover of Wham)
Fat Fu (to be found in my blogroll)
Epona Marie (always a favorite)

Tomorrow, we'll talk about why I think Hairspray is so important to a fat girl. :)

Anti-Fat Talk Week

2009-10-19T16:08:00.003-05:00

I'm digging the fat-o-sphere, yo.

Ok, so I was all over the fat-o-sphere today; and as usual, the things I needed to see / comprehend the most jumped all out at me. Kate Harding's "don't talk shit about yourself" was number one on today's blow-your-mind-o-rama.

But I also found out that this week is Anti-Fat-Talk Week.

So, can we all pledge to not talk shit about ourselves this week?

You know we can. *shake-a shake-a*

(Two posts in one day? Woo!)

Joy Fit and the New Mentality

2009-10-19T11:05:00.002-05:00

Every week, I read the Joy Fit story on MSNBC.com. Really, I can't tell you why because I've no idea why I keep reading it. But I do. Today's story struck me hard - but not in the way they meant it to be striking. Here's what the woman said:

"I felt like my worth as a person was directly attached to my size."

No shit, right? This was another mental ninja-bomb that just went off in my head, and here we are.

For as long as I can remember, I've felt as though my self-worth was correlated to my size. If my size went down, I was worth more. If my size went up, I was worth less. If someone commented on my size, it meant that they could see how "bad" I had been. But something is unfurling in my brain, you guys. Something is being uncovered, and it is smashing all of those old feelings to bits.

Because you see, I wasn't being bad. I wasn't being a naughty chub snacking on everything I could get my hands on. I DID put back a 12-pack of cupcakes for Valentine's day all by myself, but I realized that this was behavior stemming from a mental state that has seen been leveled. I was covering up something - not being "bad." There was no criminal behavior involved. There was no moral corruption. My behavior, although perhaps not particularly helpful to my overall mental state, was not wrong or right. It just was.

I just am.

If I'm going to accept my body and all of its conundrums, I have to accept its size, too. It just is the way it is. I have stubby toes. That's just the way it is. I have rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia. That's just the way it is. I'm bipolar with PTSD. That's just the way it is. And I'm a size 18/20. That's just the way it is. There's nothing "wrong" CLEARLY with any of these things. They just are.

I won't go so far as to say I'm comfortable in my body now because me and my body are still working on the process together. But my mind gets it. My mind understands that fat is not moral. It just is. My mind understands that eating a quarter-pounder with cheese is not wrong. It just is. My mind is beginning to open doors for the rest of me, and I feel lighter - no pun intended. I feel less weighed down by this notion that I'm a bad girl for being a big girl.

I'm beginning to understand - mentally, emotionally, and spiritually - that my self-worth is not correlated to my size. And it is a wonderful thing.

HAES: The plethora of information

2009-10-14T11:44:00.002-05:00

HAES is still rocking my world, big time. I'm actually starting to seek it out now...read more about it than I have been. It is amazing to me how much is out there.

Seriously, if you haven't already, google you some HAES and see how much you find. It is amazing.

The most amazing thing, though, is this: There are a lot of people out there just like me. People struggling to learn to love their bodies. People ready for all of the propaganda to just quit it and leave me alone. I'm ready to love me the way I am now. I'm so ready to learn how to do that. So are a lot of other people, it seems.

For right now, I'm off to buy a book! A HAES book, no less! WOO!

Grump

2009-10-11T14:15:00.003-05:00

So. It snowed in Iowa yesterday. Fat, stick-to-your-window snow.

Bah humbug.

RTT: The return

2009-10-06T16:09:00.004-05:00

I've been absent from RTT for a while; so, I don't know if I will be able to think of anything?

My god-daughter was just released from the hospital, and I'm so incredibly happy that she is ok. She was admitted for mental stabilization (something I almost had to do this year), and she began a new medication formula, which should help. She's making better choices towards her health now, and I'm so proud of her for doing what she had to do to make it better. (She's 18. I would have been terrified.)

Hungry Hobo = El Fabuloso

I recently began foraging into a new spiritual place, and I'm psyched about it but a little scared, too. A new goddess has been pushing into my brain, and it sometimes takes up a lot of mental energy just to keep up. I've been researching all day, though, and I feel pretty connected in this place now. I still have to write my body ritual, but I think that will come later tonight. I'm looking to perform it on the next new moon (usually when my body image is at its lowest); so, I still have plenty of time.

I need to have my eyebrows waxed.

OMG! I bought argyle socks! I heart the argyle!

It is kind of funny when people from your past make themselves known in your current life. Sometimes, you expect them to be the same, and they are different. But sometimes, you expect them to be different, and they are exactly the same.

For more random fun, go visit Keely. (*points to blogroll*)

Grumpy Face

2009-09-12T22:24:00.003-05:00

I took this picture at the Favorite Things Crop this year. I was smiling up until the second the camera clicked because it was taking so long!

HAES: Body Image

2009-09-10T13:14:00.002-05:00

So, you will recall how I talked about the book I'm reading now and how I am gleaning things from it that I didn't get the first time. Here's the other doozy that knocked me on my ass this time:

Your body image is directly related to your mental state.

I know, right? It is such a "duh?" statement that I cannot even tell you how stupid I felt when it clicked for me. So, when I'm having a down cycle and I don't want to get out of bed, I'm going to feel fat and ugly? Bingo. When I'm having an up cycle and I feel like I can conquer the world, then I'm going to feel all possibility-full? Check, sister. (For more on possibilities, go visit my frog who was just talking about this. You can find her from my blog roll.)

I mean, DUH?!? Everything else about me and my life is cyclical - directly relating to my state of mind and / or state of well-being at the time. So it follows nicely that my body image would be in the same fashion. Why didn't I see that before? The more I learn about my disorder, the more I see it popping its little green head up all over my life.

But at least I've clicked it now. I can tell myself, when in those down moments of "ohmygodi'mamonster" that the feeling will pass, and I'm not a monster. When I don't want my husband to see me because I feel all grody, I can tell myself that this, too, shall pass. (It will probably pass pretty quickly, too, at the rate I cycle...)

So, if you're feeling down on yourself, ask yourself how things are in your life. Are you depressed? Are you anxious? Are you stressed out? If the answer is yes, you've probably just found the reason for why you feel all blobby.

HAES: Intuitive Eating

2009-09-09T09:35:00.003-05:00

So, as you can see from my bookshelf, I am re-reading "Lessons from the Fat-O-Sphere." This book really rocked my thinking the first time; and really, the second time around is no different. I've gotten a few different things out of the book this time around, and one of those things is intuitive eating, which I'm trying.

{HAES = Health At Every Size, by the way}

Intuitive Eating is the main concept in HAES, and it goes a little bit like this: Eat what you want when you want it. Actually, it goes a whole lot like that since that's all it is. In intuitive eating, no foods are off limits. The point is to listen to your body when it tells you a) when it is hungry and b) what it is hungry for. In this line of thought, there are no good foods or bad foods; food is just food.

So, I've been trying out this intuitive eating concept for about a week now, and here is what I've learned:

I don't actually crave greasy food; I end up eating greasy food when I'm too uncreative to come up with anything else. (read: lazy)
When I do crave something "bad" and I let myself have it, I will only eat two or three bites of it before the craving is satisfied.
I'm eating a lot less because I'm listening to my body more when it tells me it is full or sated for right now.

The jury is still out on Dr. Pepper, though. I can't tell if I'm craving Dr. Pepper or if I'm just really accustomed to drinking it. I'll let you know how it goes...

I know...

2009-08-24T18:05:00.003-05:00

Ok.

I know, interwebs, I know. I've been grossly absent from the blogosphere as of late. I've even gotten emails asking about my state of wellbeing due to the lack of post-ness. Let's just clear it all up, shall we?

The fish is fine. She just has two jobs now. The fish is really busy...

...or usually really tired. I haven't even gotten around to doing some of the layouts knocking around in my head. See? That's tired, man.

Add to that a narcoleptic husband, and you get my stress level, lack of sleep, and general all around fuzziness from learning a new job. (I sorta started a new job at my full-time job. See? I forgot to tell you that, too.)

SO! Recap?

The fish is fine. The bear is fine. The frog is fine. The moose is fine. The duck is fine - I think. I haven't talked to the duck in a little while...I should check my messenger...

August Blog Challenge

2009-08-08T14:49:00.001-05:00

"Back to School"

Deflated

2009-07-23T12:59:00.002-05:00

So. I have to go to another appointment this afternoon. Somehow, I missed having this on my calendar; so, it was short-notice to get it approved. My boss seems frustrated with me. My co-workers seem frustrated with me. I know I'm doing the right thing by going to all of my appointments, but I'm feeling the strain. And I don't ever know whom to talk to about this; so, I don't talk to anybody. Then, I end up feeling like this: miserable and lonely. Little by little, my appointments are fanning out further apart. So, I don't have as many of them as I did previously. However, when they start to fall, they all fall together. I try to schedule as many of them as I can on a single day, but that isn't always possible. So then, I have situations like now. I only worked a half day yesterday because I had appointments to attend, and I'll leave two hours early today to go to another appointment. (I have to have my eyes checked today, and the MD will dilate me today. So, there's no point to coming back because I won't be able to see the words on my computer screen. Otherwise, I'd done the damn appointment on my lunch break.) I know that I'm doing the right thing, but it feels so stressful. So freaking stressful.

And also?

I feel like crap. Crap just floating around bumping into things. The bad part about feeling like crap is the fact that I'm doing it to myself. Too much pop and too much fast food. I know what I need to do about it (i.e. no more pop, no more eating at my desk because it makes it too easy to reach for fast food, no more fast food altogether); but when I have only myself to be accountable to, I let myself get by with a lot. It is easy to tell myself, "It is only one time!" three or four times in a row. For the most part, I'm a healthy gal. My blood pressure, regularly, is 120/80. (For those of you who don't know, that is "textbook" blood pressure. I'm right where everyone should be.) I don't have high cholesterol. My lungs and heart are functioning fine.

I just FEEL like crap. Big crap. Wide crap.

The Frog

2009-07-10T08:57:00.003-05:00

How did it ever come to be six freaking years already? Even more than that when you count the on-again-off-again before 7/10/03. But we've talked about the meeting stories for years. We've re-hashed the early days many times. Let's talk about something deeper today, shall we?

I never felt like you were a part of my life until 2006. God, that sounds bad, but I gotta say, it is the truth. You were my permanent vacation. I could escape to you and pretend that all was right with me. That's the hardline truth of it. I could pretend that I was OK when I went to see you because I could fool myself into thinking you wouldn't know otherwise. The thing about you and me is that we never fought often; but when we did, they were doozies BECAUSE we really didn't know a lot about each other. The most honest things we've ever said to each other included, "I don't feel like you know me." We've both said it, and we both meant it 100%.

(This is really turning into a nice anniversary post, isn't it? It'll get better.)

Something funny started happening in 2006. I started realizing that I was using you as an escape. I started to realize that if you didn't know me, I couldn't blame that all on you. You didn't know me because I wouldn't let you know me. You didn't know how bad things would get for me because I wouldn't let it show. You never knew if I got irritated with you because I never said anything. And you know what? When I started to tell you stuff, you started to tell me stuff, too. We actually started SHARING our lives with one another on more than a part-time basis because we were really talking. One of the best moments of our entire relationship happened, for me, at the Sonic in Davenport over some chocolate milkshakes and a cherry limeade. Isn't that interesting? Nothing super-sexually-charged. Nothing like standing atop the Eiffel tower. It was just a black bench on the west side of Davenport; but seriously, it was one of the best moments ever for me when I think about you.

Since that moment, we actually share life. We're partners now rather than vacationers in each others' lives. You solidified that for me when you were willing to take me to the hospital in the middle of the week instead of telling me it would be fine. I needed that to make you solid, real in my head. We took each other as partners a long time ago, but I feel it has taken us (me?) this long to actually get.there. I'm there now, and I'm pretty sure you're there now, too, and it is a LOT easier than maintaining all the other pretty vacation poses.

So, I may not be as cute as I once was, and we may not have as many little trips with diary quips of how adorable we are together, but we're finally partners. And I may not yet be sharing everything with you, but I'm sharing more and more every day, and I hope you see that. I hope you see how much more I've finally been able to let you in - because that is truly the one thing that scares the crap out of me.

Tammy said it best to me once - when you let someone all the way in, all the way deep inside, you give them the power to destroy you because they can hurt you like nobody else can. It isn't a new concept, but she put words to my fear, and I still carry that around with me. Trusting that I won't be abandoned or left behind is h.a.r.d., but I'm getting there, beeb. One little breakdown at a time, you show me that you're here for me, and I hope I do the same for you, too. (You burrow, though, instead of blow up like I do.)

So, today is our anniversary, and I don't want to say "happy" anniversary. I want to say thanks for an honest anniversary. Thanks for a real, true, hard-core anniversary. Thanks for holding on through all of the "happy" ones to get to the real ones that actually matter. Thanks for being patient enough to stick around when all I knew how to do was push you away. Thanks for remembering that there was something deep inside of me that you loved enough to make a committment towards even when I was blowing up everything I could get my hands on.

There are so many more things I could say, but I don't think I'd ever be able to convey how much different I feel about today when I compare it to the past.

More today than yesterday. So freaking much more.
Less than tomorrow. Exponentially.

Changes

2009-07-08T14:48:00.002-05:00

I'm not supposed to be scared of anything
But I don't know where I am
I wish that I could move
But I'm exhausted
And nobody understands (how I feel)

I'm trying hard to breathe now
But there's no air in my lungs
There's no one here to talk to
And the pain inside is making me numb

I try to hold this under control
They can't help me
Because no one knows

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm going through changes, changes

I'm feeling weak and weary
Walking through this world alone
Every thing they say, every word of it
Cuts me to the bone

I got something to say
But now I've got no where to turn
It feels like I've been buried
Underneath all the weight of the world

I try to hold this under control
They can't help me
Because no one knows

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm going through changes, changes

I'm blind and shaking
Bound and breaking
I hope I'll make it
Through all these changes

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm falling apart, I feel it

But I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
And I get suffocated, I hate this
But I'm going through changes, changes

-3 Doors Down

{*Note: Yes, I know...this is a little emo, but it fits right now and sometimes.}

Spin Cycle: Driving

2009-07-08T10:19:00.003-05:00

I have been trying to come up with a fun story about driving, but I seriously got nothin'. So, here are some not-so-interesting facts about my driving history:

I have never been stopped for speeding.
I have never been in an accident.
I backed into a parked car when I was eighteen; this is the only "fender bender" I've ever been in.
I learned to drive in San Diego, CA in approximately 1997-1998 in a Ford F-150. I can drive ANYTHING now.
I am the third-worst passenger I know, unless I am passengering w/ frog. (#1: Moose. #2: Bear.)
I was flooded out of my car recently, and it was totaled. (Damn flash floods.)
I did not get my license until I was eighteen.
I only missed two on my driver's test.
My first car was a Ford Tempo that Bear bought for me when I moved to IA.
My dream car is a bright-pink mini-cooper w/ a chihuahua in the back seat.

Scrapaganza's Newest EE

2009-07-07T20:35:00.001-05:00

ME!

Puppy Training

2009-06-30T20:34:00.003-05:00

Why do people who don't have dogs feel the need to make snarky comments to people who do have dogs?

Dogs are considered puppies until they are two human years old. My dog is only a few months over one human year old; so, she is still WELL in her puppy phase, which means I'm still training her. Just like people, dogs have personalities. My dog is possessive of her people, which means she doesn't get along too well with other dogs. Other dogs scare her. When she is scared, she reacts like a little demon, and I'm still trying to train this out of her.

Like people, this is not an overnight process. Consider my dog, if you will, a terrible-three-toddler who is really scared. Screaming at the top of her lungs? Got it. Red in the eyes? Got it. Won't let anybody go near her? Got it. Like I said, we're working on it, and I get bit a lot. A LOT. It is all part of the process. Hub doesn't like to get bit; so, I do a lot of the "rough" work. She bites me, she gets smacked in the head. This is the same process I used with my god children (although it was a flick in the head and not a smack), and it works. The goal is to re-orient the brain - distract it from the current obsession and put it on a new track. It takes a while, but I do eventually get Epona to calm down. I still have to show her who is boss, and we're still working on it. IT IS A PROCESS.

So, we went for a walk tonight. And Epona hears another dog. A big omfg-dog. She starts to freak out, naturally. As I was prepared for this, we get down in the grass on the middle of the sidewalk and start to "talk" about who is boss and whose way we're going to go. A few smacks in the head, a few showings of the teeth later, I win. We're less concerned about the dog, and we're ready to keep on walking. Down the street farther, we hear another dog. The process is the same but it takes a little bit less time. Only now, we're in ear shot of jackass out in his yard just watching me work with my dog.

"Sounds like someone needs some school!"

Now, how is that, in any way shape or form, helpful when I am obviously trying to teach my dog not to be an asshole? I've been on the ground with the dog four or five times, and we haven't even made it all the way down the block yet. OBVIOUSLY I'm working on it. So, I started to feel like a failure because my dog isn't all shiney and perfect. Defeated, I started to head for home.

Halfway there, this hits me: FUCK THAT.

I'm not anywhere near perfect, and I don't expect my dog to be perfect either. Dogs have personalities, too, and they shouldn't be conditioned to be little robots. I'm perfectly happy with my dog being anti-social (hey, I am too!) as long as she will listen to me when she is in the midst of her freak-out. But she's a PUPPY for crying out loud. She may look like a fully-grown dog, but she's still a puppy, and she's still learning. I DID get her to start listening to me in the midst of all of that fighting, and she got to the point where I could correct her without her biting me. And bonus? We didn't even break skin this time. (I know that sounds horrible, right? I have had to literally bite my dog to show her I mean business. She isn't taking shit from anybody except Momma.)

So, when we got home, we walked around the back yard for a little bit on the leash because she needs to remember how to do it for longer than just down the block. Like I said, we're working on it. I did get her to walk RIGHT BESIDE ME all the way around the yard. And just to prove my point, I made sure I walked her halfway down the block where fat-ass bald-head could see me doing it without her freaking out all over the place.

Fucker.

3 Mile - II

2009-06-26T10:17:00.004-05:00

Ok.

I had pretty much convinced myself that I was going to start STRONG on Monday. That would give me another few days to think about things, mull things over, and generally freak out mentally. However, the dog woke me up at six o'clock in the morning - AGAIN - and I was just....awake. So, rather than watch tv for the next hour or so, I took her for a walk. We didn't go very far, only 930+ steps, but it is a start, right?

Plus, Ted just bought me a bike. So, I'm going to bike....somewhere....this weekend. Apparently, Monday was a little too late.

(I just calculated. 1000 steps is 0.5 mile. So, by the end of the day, I will be well on the way to starting a mile-training program. I want to go up in increments; so, this is good.)

3 Mile

2009-06-25T11:10:00.004-05:00

(Before beginning, am I the only person who reads his / her own blog? I like my blog; it makes me happy. So, I read it a lot. Is that weird?)

At my appointment the other day, my doctor told me that my weight could be contributing to some of my health issues. She didn't say anything like, "you're fat; therefore, you have this or this." It was rather, "You have this and this, and your weight may be exacerbating those symptoms." I love my doctor, and I really, truly cannot disagree with this at all. The more weight my body carries around, the more stress there is on my joints, which aggravates my RA. The excess tissue and fluid my body carries around exacerbates my pain. Logically, I know this. I've known for a while. I don't accept the notion that I've contracted these conditions as a result of my fat, but I do know that my fat is contributing to how I physically feel.

CD (my doctor) is really awesome about the issue, too. We were talking about possible culprits for different types of pain, and we were talking about my daily eating habits and possible culprits there, too. So, she gave me a few little mental ninjabombs that I can't stop thinking about. Turns out, with the conditions I have, I should not be drinking any sort of caffeine at all. Period. Do not pass go. And I really love me some Dr. Pepper. *SIGH*

Also, she told me that in order to shed some of the 40 pounds I have put on over the past year of diagnosis-chasing, I need to be walking / jogging up to 3 miles daily. At first, this sounded completely ludicrous; but now, I can't stop thinking about it. For me, high-impact sports are out. They just cause too much pain. Running, jumping, volley balling, or anything of the sort of super-fit-people exercises cause me too much pain. (I know it totally sounds like an excuse, but it isn't.) However, walking, slow jogging, and / or swimming, I CAN DO. I can ride a bike. I can do step aerobics, too, when I feel the gusto to get really hammered. I can also do yoga and pilates. These are all light-impact activities. And now? Now, I can't stop thinking about doing three miles of SOMETHING per day. I think I feel like frog felt when she knew she wanted to start a running program, but she couldn't get past thinking and into motion. I'm scared of it even though I know it is good for me. Why? Because it will hurt like hell before it starts to feel good.

Right now, I'm walking up to 20 minutes per day and swimming on a fair routine. (This past week has been a no on the swimming due to lobster burn, but I try to go at least twice per week on a regular week.) (Which was not last week either due to flooding and tornado. Dammit!) So, I AM more than sedentary. But I'm just maintaining where I'm at now. I'm keeping myself from gaining more weight, but I'm not pushing my body to lose any of it either. And I know that I have every opportunity to do this for myself (i.e. treadmill, YMCA membership, spastic dog), I just can't seem to move past the picture in my head and into actual physical activity.

...I got distracted I will finish this later.

Spin Cycle: Jealousy

2009-06-24T13:30:00.003-05:00

I mulled over whether or not I wanted to participate in this week's spin cycle because my views on jealousy are....far from the widely-accepted. The life I have lived has brought me to a place of juxtaposition when it comes to jealousy.

You see....

I am a poly person. My affection is shared. My commitment is shared. I have shared my spouse(s) with other people. I have watched my spouse(s) make love to other people. Jealousy for me is.....difficult to explain.

Once, a very long time ago, I came to terms with jealousy because I finally understood what it was about. Jealousy is fear of losing one's position. I know that seems hard to understand; but really, when you think about it, that is all it is. If you become jealous that some chick is going to "steal your man," well, you're afraid of losing your position as his woman. The same can be same of the vice versa. If you're jealous of the time your spouse spends with your child, you may be afraid of losing your position as #1 in their heart. Jealousy is all about fear.

And what do we have to fear, you guys? (Answer: Fear itself. Thanks Kennedy.)

So, looking at jealousy in terms of fear, I simply decided one day that I wasn't going to do it anymore. When you fear something, you give it power to hurt you. This is where my transient personality comes into play a little bit because I'm not possessive over my loved ones, over many objects in my life, or where I'm at during a particular moment. Possession is also fear. "MINE!" = fear of losing. Yeah, I don't so much have that anymore. Because I had the moment, in conjunction with the moment about jealousy, that I don't POSSESS THESE THINGS OR PEOPLE. They are on loan to me from the higher ups, but they are not, never have been, and never will be mine. They touch on my life; but if they aren't meant to linger, then they won't linger.

And this is how I became a poly person. The juxtaposition is this: I will not tolerate lies. I am jealous, you could say, of lies because they steal from me. I am afraid of them and the havoc they will create. So, while at one point, I was able to tell my mate(s) that I didn't care what they did so long as they were honest with me, I cannot truly say that now. Because some activity is just a breeding ground for lies. And really? I'd rather just not go there at all. So, I cannot say I'm as altruistic about jealousy as I once was, but I still have the same feelings about it. I will not be conquered by fear, and jealousy is fear.

Random WEDNESDAY Thoughts

2009-06-24T12:21:00.002-05:00

I wonder if Keeley will still let me in? When I blog from my email, it looks kinda funny; so....there....

Have you ever noticed how one of your hands is bigger than the other? The hand I write with (right) is bigger than my non-dominant hand (left). My fingers are bigger, and the mass of my hand is bigger. I also have one foot bigger than the other and one boob bigger than the other. What is that about? You'd think that the body would want things to be the same size for equilibrium purposes.
I realized something kinda big this morning. I was really jittery and anxious after my appointment, and I was eating just because I couldn't BE STILL. Once I realized that is what I was doing, because I wasn't hungry, I stopped eating. How cool is that?
OMG! Favorite things crop is in, like, two weeks! -dancedancedance-
Also, can we go back to the random people talking to me at inappropriate times? I know I've discussed this before, but I went to have a mammogram today. And there I am, all in the machine, boob out and squished, and the damn radiology tech wants to "chat." Um. no. I'm exposed, and I don't want to talk about how pretty it is outside. Get your shit together, and let's be done with this. (On the whole, the mammogram wasn't that bad. The "chatty Kathy," however, nearly pissed me off.

That's all I got for now. I got distracted.

Better than a letter

2009-06-21T20:51:00.002-05:00

A letter/book w/ photos for my brother...

A mini book...

2009-06-21T20:49:00.002-05:00

First, a book I did for my dad's time in the Navy...I made one for my brother (Army) about a month ago...

Air Show Redemption

2009-06-21T11:09:00.001-05:00

But finally...a little sun...

Can't Catch A Break

2009-06-21T11:06:00.001-05:00

Thursday? Flash flood. Friday? Tornado.

Not That Kind of Fish

2009-06-19T10:15:00.005-05:00

If you see someone who has been caught up in a flash flood, here are a few helpful tips:

DO:

Perchance you there, standing on the porch in your pyjamas watching the torrential rain, could flag down the vehicle and warn the driver about the road having flooded JUST LAST WEEK before he / she continues to go forward.
If you see that this person is struggling to get out of the vehicle, perhaps offering some assistance would be nice.
If you are unable to help this person, perhaps asking him / her if he / she is OK after they reach safety would be helpful.
If said person has not yet called for assistance, please do so.
When the rain has stopped and some of the water has receded, offering to help push the car out of the middle of the road would be fantastic.

DO NOT:

Stand there and stare.
By NO MEANS EVER, should you stand there with a video camera pointed at this person. It is rude, and you may be hurt.
Swim laps around the car that has been flooded. (Seriously, you can't make that up.)
Also BY NO MEANS should you drive your pick-up truck by the flooded car thus pushing more water up onto, over, and into the car that is stuck. (Asshole.)

And lastly, it is really not necessary for any of the following questions:

Did you get wet?
Car stuck?
Got caught there, did ya?

This is a public service announcement. Feel free to tell your friends.

Layouts

2009-06-17T20:39:00.001-05:00

So, my obsession with taking photos of my feet seems to continue...This is "Happy Feet II"...

I did a rub-on!!! Generally, I dislike rub-ons, but I liked this one oh-so-much. It took a while for it to do what it do, but it turned out really pretty. AND...

There are sparkly letters on the left-hand side. It was really hard to take a photo, but you can kindasortaalmost see them. M and S (my initials)...