12/9/08

Ok all of my super-secret, lurky readers. It has been a while since I've updated; so, I thought I'd check in so you'd know how I'm doing. It's been rough, but I'm making it through. So, here's where we're going to go today:

1. Epona
2. Health
3. Work

So, Miss Epona Marie is doing quite well, actually. She is nearing eight months old, and we had to have her fixed last month because the vet wanted to do it before she went into heat for the first time (staves off mammary cancer or something). She did so great, too! Barring one small incident in which she escaped from the back office just before they could sedate her and came running down the hall for daddy, she did great! (Apparently, she wasn't afraid...she just heard Hub's voice and went running.) She never chewed on her stitches, and she took her medicine w/o any problems every day. :) After having the procedure, Epona seemed to calm down quite a bit. Of course, part of it is her age. As she gets older, she calms down more and more, and she listens better. We've been working quite a bit on commands. I'm still trying to get Hub to understand that one-work commands are all she can understand. Well, she somehow understands "get ready," but all of her other commands are one word...Well, no, I guess that's not true. SOME of her commands are one word. Some of the others...she just understands. ANYWAYS. She's doing really well w/ her commands (we're working on "come" because she really doesn't come here all that often). We've also started non-verbal commands (response to hand gestures), which makes me think she's the smartest dog in the world. Heh. :)

And on to the health. Quite frankly, I'm not doing very well lately. Everyone keeps telling me to stay positive, and I'm trying to do that. It's hard, though. I've started seeing a rheumatologist, but I think I talked about that already. I return tomorrow for more of a diagnosis (the one I have now is "tentative"). It is my hope that when I go to my appointment tomorrow, I will have some sort of long-term plan mapped out with the doctor. Frankly, though, I have come to the understanding that no matter what my long-term treatment plan is, I will still have to do everything I can on my own to manage this chronic pain. I'm ... skeptical... that anything the doctor recommends will provide more than minimal management. I'm not hoping for a miracle anymore; I just want to be able to do what I can. I've been doing a lot of reading based on the tentative diagnosis the doctor gave me (RA and fibromyalgia), and I've been making some decisions with regards to my long-term health (see below). I'm scared. I'm frustrated. I'm anxious. I'm depressed. I've been grieving. It's a process; so, I've just been trying to let it process. Right now, the only thing that alleviates any of my pain is to lie in bed under the electric blanket, but I can't spend my life in bed. And I realized today that I've been eating / snacking as a way to distract myself from my pain, which makes me feel like a mega-honker. I'm PMSing, though, so maybe that has a little bit to do with my self-pity today? (Side note on the mega-honker bit: I've just had Doritos. Now, I feel the need to forage for some chocolate.)

So, to say that my health issues have affected my work would be a drastic understatement. For more than just this reason, though, I finally came to the realization that I just cannot do my job anymore. It's been scaring the crap out of me, but I'd been contemplating given my notice. I finally did so yesterday. I will finish the month out at my current position; but then, I will be moving onto something else. I don't have the foggiest idea of what that 'something else' will be, though. I am currently looking for other jobs I feel I can do, and I'm praying like bejeebus that I will find something by January. So far, I've applied for two jobs, and I'm going to try to apply for something each night until I have another job offer. Perhaps surprisingly, I don't feel overly stressed about this decision. Yes, it is frightening, but I feel I'm doing the right thing. I don't feel I've moved myself into the bad zone because of discomfort; I truly feel that I'm making the right choice for me and my health.