Purge

Today has been a mentally purging day for me.  I have been thinking about a lot of things, and I'm coming into a new mentality.

 

You see, I have a great fear of abandonment, which leads me to believe that I will never be good enough for anyone or anything.  I constantly seek praise from my loved ones, which, I am sure, is tiring.  I have been looking inward to find that little crack, fissure, or hole that this fear and the behavior coming from the fear originate.  I haven't found it yet, but I am opening my heart and mind to the answer, and I know it will come.  In the meantime, I have been expunging negativity today by focusing on positivity.

 

I am focusing on hard facts:

• I am eating healthier so I can be healthier.
• I am exercising so I can be healthier and maintain a more healthy weight.
• I am excavating my internal systems so that I can release all of this pent up negativity that I carry around with me.  I feel infected by it - unclean - and I don't like how it feels.

For the longest time, I have been following this pattern of my life that wasn't healthy, and I want it to stop.  In order for it to stop, I have to make changes and stop it myself.  I see that now.  I have come to a fork in the road, and I have to choose which path I will take.  Will I continue to follow this path that causes me heartache?  Or, will I begin a new path that brings me joy and contentment?

 

I am paring down to the bare minimum because I feel that I have to start from scratch and build upwards.  My core is strong, and I know that from that strength I will draw strength.  My core is made of love, and from that love I will learn how to love - not only myself but others as well.  I have to re-learn all that I thought I knew because, obviously, it wasn't working out too well for me.  But I'm ready.  I'm ready to re-learn everything.  I'm willing and able.'

 

Tally-ho and onward!