Suffer the Children

Dear Lily:

We haven't spent much time together in a long time, you and I.  I take all the blame for that because I know right where to find you.  If you want the truth, I avoid you these days because it hurts me so to look at you, to see you so scared, so traumatized, so alone.  I feel guilty that I can't fix your hurts, take away your pain, or shield you from the awful thing you endured.  It is that guilt, I think, that keeps me from visiting.

Dr. Linz, though, says that I need to visit you more often; and so, here I am.  I am nervous.  I am scared.  I want to run away, but I also want to see you.  I want you to see me.  Not the bullshit smoke and mirrors we use for everybody else - I want to SEE you.  I want to see the throbbing hurt so I know where to put the medicine.

I'm supposed to show you that the world isn't all bad; and I know that is going to be hard because I still think a lot of the world is bad.  I'm slow to trust, too.  I feel awkward just like you do.  But you know what, Lilygirl?  You survive.  You do because I do.  I have.  I'm still here to carry you around in my heart.  So I know we will get through this cycle, and I know we will spend more time together because I will make it happen.  I know that we can learn from each other, heal each other, and love each other without guilt and pain.  We are going to get there, Lily, if you trust me.

Hold my hand; we have to start now.

~m