4/26/10

Things are happening in my life that are hard to explain.  There is a lot of shifting going on; and I am afraid that if I share it, it will fly away like a butterfly caught and lost.  I've been expressing a lot of it in my private journal, but I feel wordy today.  So, an entry is a'comin.

 

One of the biggest shifts is with regards to my submission.  It is a fluid, shifting, ever-present thing now.  There are little things I do daily that keep me in the mindset, and there are big things I do to fully get me in the mindset.  There is also a dominant in my life now who brings it out of me in spades.  I'm taking things slowly, though, because I don't want to get ahead of myself and bring down a rain of hurt.  I know that things will work out however they will work out, and I don't need to get in a tizzy over any of it.  I'm just enjoying things as they are.  It seems to be working out well because I'm not always in a frantic freak-out over anything.  I just enjoy the situation as it is presented to me.  I'm comfortable in this space.  I'm comfortable in this situation.  I'm comfortable with the way this situation is evolving and growing.

 

Other shifts are more private, and I keep them close to the chest because I don't want my words to be misconstrued.  Some things are starting over.  Some things are static and never changing.  I'm coming into a place where "it's all about me."  I'm taking care of myself over anybody else.  I'm choosing myself over anybody else.  I'm making decisions for myself that don't always include my loved ones.  And I know that this is a hard transition for them, but I can't say that I'm sorry.  I need to take care of me right now; so, I'm taking care of me right now.  I am doing what I want to do, what I need to do, and that is how it is.  It doesn't mean I don't have room in my life for anybody else - it just means that I see I can't give out the love I want to give out if I don't have any love inside of me to give.  I have to cultivate it for myself before I can share it with others.  And I'm doing that.

 

I'm also trying to lose some of the excess weight that I have gained through a multitude of years of self-hate and medication.  Probably more self-hate than medication.  As I re-learn to love myself, though, I am re-learning how to take care of myself properly.  I am eating a better diet.  I am treating myself more carefully, more respectfully.  I have only seen a little progress so far; but I suppose a little bit of progress is better than no progress at all.  I know that I am doing something good for myself and my body, and I have to trust that the results will come in their right time.