a-ha

So, it turns out I wasn't taking one of my BPD medications correctly.  I thought I was supposed to take two of the pills, and I was supposed to be taking three.  I'm feeling much better now, thank you.  >.<

There has been a lot going on in my life, but it is all internal stuff.  So, I'm keeping it close to the chest.  I know I do have a few readers out there, though; so, I wanted to say hi, thanks for checking in on me, and I'm ok.  I hope to see some of you soon.  :)

Impasse

So, in case you haven't noticed, I have been having a slight massive crisis of self coupled with a bad down-swing into depression for a while now.  I see my p-doc on the 18th; so, I just have to make it until then to discuss my medications with him (I don't believe they are working as they should.).  So, if you have any positive energy to spare, could you please send it my way so I can just make it through?
Thanks.

Damage

For as long as I can remember, I have felt like damaged goods.  I have felt like I'm not good enough, clean enough, pretty enough, thin enough, or whatever other adjective you'd like to insert there.  I have felt this way since childhood.  My mom taught me to swallow all the bullshit I could handle so nobody would leave.  I learned very early on how to hide my damage so that only I knew how damaged I actually was.  Lately, though, I'm hiding that damage less frequently because I'm coming to terms with my laundry list of issues.  Yes, I'm BP.  Yes, I have fibro.  Yes, I'm a big girl.  Yes, I'm lazy and would rather sleep than sweat.  But that isn't what is on my mind today.

What if I just accepted that I am damaged goods and moved on?  Wouldn't that be freeing?  Yes, I am damaged.  Yes, damage has been done to me.  Yes, I'm even in therapy for my damage.  So what?  It doesn't make me any less damaged to hide it, and it doesn't make me any more damaged to not hide it.  What if it just is what it is and that's it?  And further, what if I took a stand and said "If you can't take me as I am, damage and all, then move along" ?  What about that? 

Right now, this is my truth.  I'm flawed, fractured, and damaged.  And right now, I'm ok with that.  Half an hour ago, I wasn't.  But someone said something to me that made it all make sense.  I'm damaged.  So what?

Aren't we all?

Suffer the Children

Dear Lily:

We haven't spent much time together in a long time, you and I.  I take all the blame for that because I know right where to find you.  If you want the truth, I avoid you these days because it hurts me so to look at you, to see you so scared, so traumatized, so alone.  I feel guilty that I can't fix your hurts, take away your pain, or shield you from the awful thing you endured.  It is that guilt, I think, that keeps me from visiting.

Dr. Linz, though, says that I need to visit you more often; and so, here I am.  I am nervous.  I am scared.  I want to run away, but I also want to see you.  I want you to see me.  Not the bullshit smoke and mirrors we use for everybody else - I want to SEE you.  I want to see the throbbing hurt so I know where to put the medicine.

I'm supposed to show you that the world isn't all bad; and I know that is going to be hard because I still think a lot of the world is bad.  I'm slow to trust, too.  I feel awkward just like you do.  But you know what, Lilygirl?  You survive.  You do because I do.  I have.  I'm still here to carry you around in my heart.  So I know we will get through this cycle, and I know we will spend more time together because I will make it happen.  I know that we can learn from each other, heal each other, and love each other without guilt and pain.  We are going to get there, Lily, if you trust me.

Hold my hand; we have to start now.

~m