There are moments that occur in the middle of other moments, and things settle into place in my head. I will see or hear something that will make something else click for me. It happens frequently when I'm in an emotional downswing and am acting irrationally with no way to stop myself. I spin out of control; and then suddenly, there it is. That moment that makes everything make sense.
You see, I have this character flaw...Well, I don't even know if I would call it a flaw so much as a long-developed trait. I couldn't have stopped it as it began developing long before I knew what stopping it might have meant for my future. What is this character flaw, you ask. In the core of me, I am drawn to situations in which I seek approval I will never get. Or I seek validation that won't come. Or I allow myself to follow someone else into a situation that shouldn't be about me at all. Or, better yet, I WILL get praise, but I won't let it sink to that core place where it should settle. This is the worst of them all.
There are many things I have done in my life for this reason, to get this approval. And I was asked today about what it is I am missing within myself that I continue to do this. That stopped me in my tracks. That was my moment. What AM I missing within myself that I keep doing this over and over? I don't know what the answer is yet, but I am praying that it will come when it is ready.
Until then, I am trying to re-center with ME. I need to do these things for me. I need these reasons to be my reasons. I need these rules to be my rules. Because if it isn't about me, I'm going no where. Spinning my wheels.
Wish me luck...