Saturday, September 27, 2008


You knew I'd get around to it eventually, right?

Ok, here we go. First, my girl: Epona.

(I have no idea why this big-ass space is here, but I can't get it to go away...)

From the conference :

Teammates Jamie A. and Andrea H.:

Another teammate, Shannon (w/ Amanda):

Amanda's sister unit manager, Cassandra:

Division manager, Sally; unit manager, Amanda:

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

I was never a Claymate anyway...

Ok. So, Clay Aiken is gay. Are we surprised? No, I dare say we are not. I have never been a "Claymate" myself...for the pure and simple fact that the man looks like a puppet. I swear, if Pinocchio was an actual person, he would look like Clay Aiken. THAT is just creepy.

Ok, so here's a few random things:

1. I have fruit punch stains on my shirt, which pisses me off (PMO, for short - I use this a lot lately *L*). I have little red stains on almost all of my favorite shirts now. *frump*
2. I need to buy new bras. One has a hole in the front from a voracious dog chew, one has a hole in the right side where the wire is poking through, and one just PMO because it won't stay where it is supposed to stay. Bras are expensive, though! I don't understand why bras are so expensive because they are like socks; everybody needs socks.
3. Speaking of socks, why is it so freaking hard to get a man to buy new socks? Or undershirts? Or underwear? Granted, I don't make the situation any easier by calling Hub's underwear "hoolies," "boy-hooties," or "underoos"; but when your tighty-whities are turning grey, it's time for some new ones.

I read the Newsweek article about "8 things that annoy Ricky Gervais," which I thought was entertaining. So, I've decided to share some of the things that annoy me (or PMO, if you will *heh*). We could be here a while, but here we go:

1. People who honk at me when I'm clearly doing nothing wrong. There was this van the other day who honked at me as I pulled into my lane. WTF? Road here for driving, thank you.
2. Grocery shoppers without a list. The grocery store is not a hang-out, people. Make a list, get your groceries, and get out of my way. Loitering may or may not be confronted with cart-rage.
3. "In my opinion..." Of course it's your opinion; it's coming out of your mouth, isn't it? You haven't been elected to speak for anybody else; so, anything you say is your opinion. Don't dumb me down by telling me that it's your opinion because I got it.
4. Re-runs. I can watch the same movie 600 times, but God forbid I have to watch the same TV show more than once. I don't think actors or people who produce / make TV shows should ever be allowed to take vacations because I don't want to be entertained for only half a year.

I'm sure there's more, but I'm all typed out for today...

Monday, September 22, 2008

El Monday - The Suck

This Monday has sucked. Partially, it has sucked because I was gone on Friday, and I am now swamped. If I'd have been here, everything would still be caught up.

It was a pretty tough weekend - beginning with Friday's sick day. On Saturday, I spent three hours talking to my dad about my mom, my past, my headaches, etc. It was a good talk, but I was incredibly emotionally exhausted after we were done talking. I never realized how much better it would make me feel for someone to say "let me bear this burden for you" until my dad said it to me. It was...a very powerful moment.

Sunday was the day of my start-up show for my Lia Sophia business. I was a bit disappointed because only three people showed up out of a lot more people who said they would show up. I have three bookings now, and two of those are only because my beloved frog (I love you!) and one of my good friends felt sorry for me. *lol* I'm still trying to track down Ms. Money Penny so I can schedule her show, if she still wants to do it (hint hint), but I can't seem to connect at the right time. So, I made a qualifying show (just barely), but I was hoping that it would have been more of a success. So, Sunday afternoon was tiring, too.

And that leads to Monday...and grumpiness...and all sorts of wanting to take a nap.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Sick Day

I have a lot of thoughts jumbled up in my head right now; so, I'm going to try to get them all might be a long post. Fair warning.

Calling in sick to work is probably one of my least favorite things to do because of all of the ramifications it produces in my fish bowl; and yet, throughout my working life, it has happened quite frequently. I've struggled with depression, anxiety, a nervous breakdown, and (of increasing frequency lately) migraines. I really struggled when my memories broke through, but it feels as though that was a different struggle because that was an emotional struggle. As I mentioned, lately I have been struggling a lot with my migraines. A LOT.

So, I've had migraines for as long as I can remember. My mom had chronic headaches, and my grandmother reported to have a headache every day of her life; although, the degree to which her head hurt was never reported. As with all things that have cycled down through my maternal line, my headaches seem to be worse than I ever witnessed with my mother or my grandmother. My mother could always function; my grandmother could always function. Over the years, I've often wondered if maybe they just had more sand than I came away with, but I've finally determined that I just wound up with a very different physiological make-up thanks, in large part, to the combination of my mother and father (thanks, dad).

By the time I was a teenager, I lived on Aleve and Excedrin migraine pills three to four times a day, three to four pills of each at a time. At one point, my friend, Philip, was worried enough about my pill consumption to actually ASK me how I could function on a day-to-day basis with that much medicine in my system, but I hadn't ever really thought about how much I was taking because it seemed normal to me. It was every day. It wasn't until about six months ago that Angel suggested (strongly) that I see a neurologist for my migraines. Up to that point, I had been seeing my family physician, who had been prescribing various medications in an effort to relieve the pain after the fact.

I've taken Vicodin, Imitrex, oxycodone, ibuprofen, aleve, Fiorinal, Toradol, morphine, etc. after the onset of pain in an effort to stop it after it has begun. I don't like keeping narcotics in my house because, quite frankly, I have an addictive personality, and I come from an addiction-prone family line. When I went to see the neurologist, he prescribed Topamax to be taken daily in an effort to stop the migraines before they started, which I thought was a fantastic idea, and it first. For about the first month, I felt pretty good. I was able to go for about a month without taking any pain pills at all.

The downfall is this: My body has been pumped full of pain meds for at least a good 10-12 years. It now has the uncanny ability to metabolize medication (and booze) very, very quickly. So, once my body got accustomed to the Topamax, I started having migraines again even though I was taking it every day...which presents this problem: In order for the Topamax to continue working, I will have to continue increasing my dose until I can no longer take the medication because I've topped out at the highest dose safely consumed.

AND THAT makes me wonder what the hell I'm bothering to go to the neurologist for because in the end, I'll top out on Topamax, switch to something else, top out on that, switch to something else. I'm spending a lot of money on medications right now, for one, and I'm not any better than I was when I started seeing the neurologist. For two, I'm trying to find other (cheaper) methods for coping with my migraines (i.e. massage therapy, the magic patch) so that I don't feel like a freaking 80-year-old with 50 pills to take in a single day. I really dislike having to take so many pills, and I'd like to get away from that if I can. So, I'm seriously contemplating discontinuing my treatment with the neurologist if the massage therapy provides some relief. I will be safe and smart about it and not stop everything all at once, but I don't see the point in continuing a treatment that I don't feel it helpful in the long run. Plus, I don't want to keep sinking hundreds of dollars into treatment that isn't effective.

PLUS, ever since I started taking the Topamax, I've had a lot of side effects, which is a first for me. I've been on other medications off and on throughout my life; and of all the meds I've been on, I only had side effects with one other. Since I started the Topamax, though, I've noticed a slew of them: upper and lower extremity numbness and tingling, facial numbness, lip twitching / tingling, and monster periods. The latter side effect has really been hard to deal with because I'd just gotten to a point where my periods really weren't that bad. In the past, also, I didn't take pain meds (such as ibuprofen or Tylenol) for my period because it made the next month's cramps worse. For the past few months, though, I've been having such bad cramps, though, that I've even had to take pain pills to make it through them - even then, I'm hurting through the pain pills. Beyond that, I'm bleeding a lot more than I'm accustomed to bleeding, which has me worried too. This has only started since I started taking to Topamax, too; so, it is hard for me not to connect one dot to the other. Not having the side effects is a big draw for stopping my neurology treatment, too, by the way.

So, all of that brings me back to today. I called in sick to work today because I'd been fighting a pretty bad headache since Thursday afternoon, I was bleeding through every freaking thing, and I was hurting really bad. Every time I call in to work, though, I go through an entire circus of ramifications, though. Sometimes, I only hit the highlights; but today, I went through them all. I have never worked with anyone, nor have I ever known anyone HERE (read: that lives within a 50-mile radius of me) that deals with migraines. I have never been able to convince myself that anyone understands what I'm going through. Ultimately, my co-workers and my boss just see that I'm not there. I don't believe they understand how hard it is for me to go through all of this stuff. I don't think they believe I'm trying to figure it all out because ultimately, they only want the end result: the want the product - a good employee who doesn't buck the system, who shows up, and who keeps his / her mouth shut. I get it, I really do, but I have never been able to get to that point.

And you know what? I want to be able to not care. I want to not care what my co-workers and my boss think of me and / or my migraines. I want to not care if they don't believe that I'm doing what I can; but ultimately, I do care. Because it is easy for them to assume that I'm making it up, but I'm not. It is easy to just see what you think you see, but this is my whole life... But more than that, I want to get a handle on my migraines, and I want to be able to go to work every day just like they do. I know that it will never go away. I think I have finally accepted that there will never be a day that I won't have to deal with this, but I want to get to the point where I know what to do. I want to know what works so I can do it.

And I hope I can figure it out before I lose my job.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Mangelos was not the kind of kid who tried a lot of fruit and veg when I was growing up. My family didn't make me try things if I thought it looked gross. (On the flip, side, though, I was told to "clean my plate" all the damn time. No freaking wonder....but I digress.) So, I grew up with a very limited food range. Over the years, I grew more adventuresome. When I moved in w/ Hub, I even broke out into Chinese food, Indian food, and the like.

Now, I'm on this health kick, and I'm trying to widen my variety of fruits and vegetables. So, I'm trying one new piece of fruit each time I make a trip to the grocery store. This trip's new piece was a mangelos. It was an orange thing roughly the size of a gala apple. It was fairly squishy; and as best I can tell, it was a cross between a mango and a tangerine. First, let me say that I'm not a big fan of oranges or grapes. They are squishy, and they remind me (I don't have the faintest notion why) of eating an eyeball. However, in the spirit of trying-new-things-ness, I gave it a shot.

Not so much.

Although, I have to say that I didn't not like it for its eyeball-squish factor so much as the fact that it was sour. And I have witnesses because I made the other clerical people try it, too. Every single one of them said it was sour, and none of them liked it either. So, no more mangelos. Cross you off my list. I did get a good lead on a potential piece of fruit, though, called a grapple. It is an apple bred with grapes, which could be right up my alley because I lurve the apples, and I lurve the grape flavor...but not so much the eyeball-squish factor of grapes. (They explode in your mouth like little eyeballs; how can you like that?!? AND THEN, after they explode, the skin is all...wilty and slimey. *shudder*)

OK! So, no more mangelos.

The Magic Patch

I seriously may have found the magic migraine cure. Ok, well not the magic migraine cure...more like...the slow migraine helper...

Back story: A week or so ago, I somehow managed to oust my back. Hub went to the store for milk and eggs, or something else rather mundane, and he came home with these *looks at the package to get the name right* Tiger Balm Pain Relieving Patch-es. (The word on the package is not plural, for those of you wondering about that.) So, we put one on my back (yes, it took two of us that day), and all was well.

Flash forward to yesterday: Fast-acting migraine comes on. Fiorinal not working. Fish is ready to hurt someone and / or just go to bed and be deceased. Hub has the bright idea of putting the pain patch on. Now, before you all go "Head On! Apply directly to your head! Head On! Apply directly to your head!", we did not put it on my head. We put it on the back of my neck.

Seriously folks, it worked wonders. Within the first hour, I was down to low-grade, and I could get up and move around enough to take a bath. I took another set of Fiorinal with my Ambien, just to be safe, and I put on another patch before I went to bed. I awoke this morning to no stiff muscles in my neck, no migraine, and breakfast in bed. (I really love it when Hub is on vacation.) So, if you have migraines (ANGEL), try these patches! It's only about $3.00 for a package of five!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Because of You [lyrics]

I will not make
The same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break
The way you did, you fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fakeA smile, a laugh every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of youI learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of youI find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you


[Post moved from OD]

A long time ago, my therapist asked me to make a chart / list for her of the "personalities" I felt I broke down into. They haven't really changed in all of these years; but as I think about it now, it is possible that there may be a new one or two added to the mix. The dominant personalities, though, haven't ever changed.

Melly - For lack of having a "theme" name, this is THE dominant personality. This is the personality that pretty much everyone gets to interact with on a daily basis. This is the most integrated part of me - the part of me that I've been able to reclaim and put back together the most. When I'm calm, this is the part of me that I retreat to. I suppose you could say that the other parts of me orbit around this one because I can't really get them back into the whole yet.

Mother - This is the part of me that is the problem solver. This is also the part of me that is the clone, the conformer, and the silent part. When I close my eyes, I see Mother as a fifties housewife. Perfect clothes, perfect hairdo, perfect makeup. Mother will always make herself into whatever she believes the world wants her to be. I don't even realize when she comes up to the surface anymore because ...well, because it's easier to believe, I think, that you're making yourself better for someone to love you more than you're making yourself into something you're not because you're afraid of losing someone's love.

Lily - Lily is the child part of my personality fractured off from the rest of me. I'm not entirely sure where the name came from as she's the only personality with an actual NAME instead of a "theme." She said her name was Lily, though, so her name is Lily. Lily is very quiet, and she blends into the background of things incredibly well. She believes that if she isn't seen, she won't be touched. Lily loves playtime, though, but it is hard for her to go from playtime into serious time. Lily likes to go to Toys R Us. She likes to color, and she likes bath time with Daddy. (Daddy = Hub.) But ever since Daddy took another little girl, there's no more bath time; so, Lily feels abandoned all over again, and she stays in the corner of the head-room and doesn't talk much. She comes out every now and then, and I can hear her voice sometimes.

Butch - I used to have a particular personality named Butch, the fighter. Now, though, Ms. Butch is more of my smart-ass. She is the personality with whom I converse when I need to converse. Since Mother cannot be counted upon to play devil's advocate or to hold a decent conversation when revelations need to be had, Ms. Butch had stepped in to fill this role nicely. She used to fight with anybody and everybody, but there is a lot less fighting in my world these days. So, she's sort of taken the sarcastic, smart-ass but still pretty smart and intellectual able to have a really good conversation role, which is still really weird because I'm totally talking to myself. *sigh*

The Animal - This is the addition to my little group that wasn't there when I made the original list for my therapist. In the head-room, in the opposite corner from Lily, there's a little black cage; and inside of that cage, is the animal-woman. For all intents and purposes, she IS a woman - full figured, arms, legs, head, no fur, etc. What makes her an animal is the fact that she doesn't speak, she simply watches the rest of them interact with her glossy eyes. When she moves, it is fluid, stalking. She craves that hunting feeling. When I'm in the midst of "meat" mode (Frog has seen it), that is the Animal. When I'm in blood lust, that is the Animal. She so very rarely makes an appearance any more that I often forget how strong she is, but she's still there.

So, if you can picture it, they all hang out in a room together (what I call the head-room) kind of like the version of hell in Les Mouches (did I spell that right?). For the most part, they all get along because they understand where their freak outs come from, but they do fight - and that is some weirdness right there, let me tell you. And their freak outs lend themselves to my surface freak outs. Their fears lend themselves to my surface fears. Sometimes, I wish that others knew them better so they could be more easily recognized. It would be easier, I think, if someone could say to me, "That isn't your fear, Melly, that's Mother's." Because then, I could analyze that and see that Mother's fear isn't necessarily the best thing for the whole of me. Or Lily's fear might keep us pinned into a corner whereas if we forge together as whole, we might get past it.


Ok...I'm feeling verbose today; so, there may be more than one blog entry. Here's a few things.

First, Tejas.
I really struggling to feel sorry for people in Texas right now. Ask me why. C'mon, really. Ask me why.

#1: If they tell you to get the hell out of the path of the hurricane and you don't? I hope you drown. I am not a nice person; and if you can't follow directions, it's survival of the fittest, baby.
#2: If you live in a state that has nothing but sand, cactus plants, and bugs that cannot seriously be identified as bugs due to their size, you should seriously consider moving.

To say I have a serious dislike of Texas is a drastic understatement. I do not like Tejas, which is not to say that I do not like people from Texas, Mexico, or Mexicans. It's all about perspective, people. I do not like some Texans, some parts of Mexico, and some Mexicans. The majority of Texas, though? Can just drop off into the ocean for all I car. Buh-bye. Just like California. Buh-bye. We don't have a use for you and your big-ass bugs any more.

Second, my crazy husband.
My husband was doing a really great thing for his dad. He was going to go pick him up, take him to his MD appt., and take him home. So, he got out of bed this morning, brought me breakfast IN BED, took care of the pup, and got all ready to go. We left the house at the same time. I headed to work; Hub headed to Muscatine. About 9:30 AM, I get a phone call. Yeah, my husband went all the way to Muscatine...and the appointment is TOMORROW.

Third, my cursing.
I've discovered that I cuss a LOT lately. What's that about? There's really no need for that, is there? It doesn't really get the point that much more across, does it? There are some curse words that are acceptable to me in common language (hell...ass...damn...those are pretty common), but then the others...those are kind of pushing it, don't you think? (I just realized I'm going to have to move some diary entries over from OD so my parentheses make sense...hmm..maybe I'll do that now.)

Look at me pausing here because I've gotten side-tracked...

Monday, September 15, 2008

#1 Book

I know...I haven't dont pictures yet. I was going to do them yesterday, but I ended up working last night. I got distracted by the work I was doing. So, business first...


I hope that it is the first of many, but I'm so incredibly excited that I could just blow up. One of the nurses I work with graciously took me up on my begging to book a show. I was so freaking nervous on the phone with her that I couldn't remember half of what I was supposed to say - and this is someone I talk to all the time! So, now I only have to get four more shows booked before the date of / on the date of my start-up show. I'm finding that a LOT of people in my area, though, know about Lia Sophia and / or have gone to / are going to parties. On one hand, this worries me a little because my market is a little saturated right now. On the other hand, I'm determined to break through this little hitch in the git-along and make my business a success. Dammit.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

And by the way...

I should not be allowed to take my Ambien and then wander about...

At some point last night, AFTER I took my Ambien, I went out into the hotel, wandered around looking for an ice machine (never found one as far as I can tell), found a vending machine, purchased an apple juice (vaguely remember being pissed off because the machine was sold out of OJ), asked the front desk woman if she had matches after going into a diatribe about how I knew the rooms were non-smoking and I was not a smoker but I had a soothing candle to help me relax and sleep, tried to take video on my cell phone, and managed to take some sort of photograph of myself on my cell phone to send via text to Hub. I have no idea if the photograph I sent to Hub was of the nude variety or not! I do not really remember leaving my room to wander the hotel, nor do I remember coming back to the room and / or getting back into bed. Neither do I entirely remember calling Hub at any point in the evening last night, but I apparently did because I got him in trouble for calling him during the meeting last night after he'd clocked in at work.

Someone really should keep an eye on me after I take my meds...

El Conference-o

I will have pictures, but I forgot to bring my USB cable; so, for now, you just get to hear (read) about my time at the conference.

The day went by pretty quickly, actually, which surprised me. I was awfully surprised when the day was over so soon after we'd had lunch, but we'll get there. I was the first person on our team to get there because I'm so freaking type-A that I was early; but by the time I was there, half of the conference room was full of awfully-peppy advisors. The conference was hosted by our Zone Leader; her name is Andrea (I think). I tried to get a picture of her, but she wouldn't freaking stop moving! The breakdown is like this:

Zone Leader
Regional Manager
Division Manager
Unit Manager

I tried awfully hard to get pictures of a lot of the people for posterity's sake, except for our regional manager because I didn't like her. I did meet our division manager, though, and she's a-freaking-dorable. She's very British, and she's cute as hell. I also met my unit manager's sister unit's manager, who is also adorable even if she's louder than me (can you believe that?).

So, a full eight-hour day of very-peppy advisors, freakishly-peppy managers, and non-stop recognition and clapping. I'm so incredibly tired just from the psychic wave that hit me when I walked in the door; it's incredibly. My unit manager is so smart, though; she bought us clapper gadgets so we wouldn't have to clap our hands! *LOL* It was great. We made so much noise that we pissed off all sorts of people, which only made it better for me. :)

I also got a $50 gift cert for being a new advisor, which I all-sorts of enjoyed. And I can't think of anything else right now because I'm so incredibly tired. So, photos soon when I get home.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Rockford, IL

Ok. So, here I am in Rockford. It was only supposed to take me two hours to get from my house to the hotel. It ended up taking me close to three because I never could find business 20, which supposedly takes a person right past the hotel. (It does take a person right past the Clock Tower, which is where the conference is being held. My hotel, however, is a hidey-hole back on another street.) Quite frankly, I have no fucking clue how I got here because I had to ask for directions TWICE on top of the directions Hub printed for me. I do know how to get from here to the Clock Tower, though; although, I have no idea how I'm going to get the fark out of here when it is time to go home.

The hotel is nice enough, though. I have a little kitchenette in my room and a queen-sized bed; so, I'm not going to fall on the floor, and I can feed myself. (Of course, after a three-hour trek in the rain, I totally fucking ordered food.) Plus, I didn't have to find the hotel. Hub found it, paid for it, and booked it. I just had to reimburse him the cash for it.

Now if my food would show up, I could eat, take a bath, and take my damn drugs. *wistful sigh*

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Big Bang

So, they turned on the Big-Bang know, the machine that is supposed to create the flash of the universe right before it was the universe - only in a controlled manner? Somehow, it seems farfetched to me that any manner of scientist - or even a group of bright minds - can create the big bang in a CONTROLLED way...much less over and over again. Yeah, they want to do it again and again and again...Can you imagine that?

Scientist 1: Oh shit, we only got a little bang. FIRE IT UP AGAIN!
Scientist 2: Hold on, dammit, the switch is stuck.


Scientist 1: Are there...*squints*...floaty things in the bang goo?
Scientist 2: I donno...FIRE IT AGAIN!

Somehow, this machine completely reminds me of the game Spore, which I would really like to get. I am all about making myself some little alien critters right now.

In other randomness, I ate too much cauliflower this morning, and I think I'm going to blow up. On top of that, I had a banana. Now, I'm gassy with banana-flavored cauliflower. *burp* Also, I have to get rid of these shoes because they smell -really- bad.

I'm going to a training conference thing this weekend (for my Lia Sophia business), and I'm really excited. However, this will be the first time I've been away from Epona (my dog - Collie-Eskimo mix, five months old) for more than a few hours since we brought her home. =(

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Coping Mechanisms

So, I was talking to frog about coping mechanisms this morning, which made me think about my own coping mechanisms. I know I have both good ones and bad ones. I need to rely more heavily on the good ones and less heavily on the bad ones; but in order to do that, I think I need to identify both, don't you agree?

Let's start with the bad...
  • I'm a picker. I pick my nails, my arms, and any bit of skin I can get at. There is actually a name for what I do because I can get so lost in it that I can do it for hours if I'm not careful, but I don't remember what the name of it is. At one point, I rationalized it that I did this so the outside would hurt as much as the inside.
  • I bite my nails.
  • I'm comfortable in the "drama zone"; although, I have to admit that this has gotten a lot better.
  • I pick fights w/ Bear when I'm feeling lonely or stressed out in order to release tension.
  • I go to bed and sleep. I did this a lot when I lived in CA.

The good...

  • I call people - particularly frog.
  • I email - particularly Angel.
  • I take a bath.
  • I scrapbook.
  • I play with Epona.

So, I need to focus more on those good things, and I need to build more good things.

Monday, September 8, 2008


I can't freaking figure out where I want to be. First, I was here. Then, I was on OD. Then, I was on my website, which I can't access from work. Every time I make a change in my head, I feel I have to change where I'm at. Maybe I'll stay here; maybe I won't. Who knows.

It looks super cute, though, doesn't it?