Walking Program

I found this walking program in a magazine, and I have been thinking about trying it.  I think it might be a little aggressive for my RA, but I'm not sure.  I'm still ruminating over whether or not I'm ready to try it.  Here's how it goes:

Week One:
Monday:  Walk briskly for 30 minutes on a flat surface
Tuesday:  Walk up and down 2 or 3 flights of stairs
Wednesday:  Walk briskly for 30 minutes on a flat surface
Thursday:  Rest or lift some light weights to strengthen your upper body
Friday:  Walk briskly for 30 minutes on a flat surface or hilly terrain
Saturday:  Walk up and down 3 flights of stairs
Sunday:  Go for a leisurely 45- to 60-minute walk

Week Two:
Monday:  Walk briskly for 30 minutes on a flat surface
Tuesday:  Walk up and down 4 flights of stairs
Wednesday:  Walk briskly for 30 minutes on a flat surface
Thursday:  Rest or lift some light weights to strengthen your upper body
Friday:  Walk briskly for 30 minutes on a flat surface or hilly terrain
Saturday:  Walk up and down 5 flights of stairs
Sunday:  Go for a leisurely 45- to 60-minute walk

Week Three:
Monday:  Walk briskly for 30 minutes on a flat surface
Tuesday:  Walk up and down 6 flights of stairs
Wednesday:  Walk briskly for 30 minutes on a flat surface
Thursday:  Rest of lift some light weights to strengthen your upper body
Friday:  Walk briskly for 30 minutes on a flat surface or hilly terrain
Saturday:  Walk up and down 7 flights of stairs
Sunday:  Go for a leisurely 45- to 60-minute walk

Week Four:
Monday:  Walk briskly for 30 minutes on a flat surface
Tuesday:  Walk up and down 8 flights of stairs
Wednesday:  Walk briskly for 30 minutes on a flat surface
Thursday:  Rest or lift some light weights to strengthen your upper body
Friday:  Walk briskly for 30 minutes on a flat surface or hilly terrain
Saturday:  Walk up and down 9 flights of stairs
Sunday:  Go for a leisurely 45- to 60-minute walk

The thing that scares me is the stairs.  What do you think?

WMS/Trust/Health

Sometimes, you just need to be touched. No matter how hard or soft, you just need to be touched.

So, trust is a big issue with me. Even within my sphere of closest loved ones, trust is a big issue with me. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm always waiting for the abandonment. (Yes, I'm in therapy.) So, when I choose to show trust to someone, it is a struggle because how they react determines if I'll show trust to them again in the future and / or how much trust I will show to them in the future. I chose to show trust to two people on Saturday night - people I love, and people I already have trusted in the past. But this was a new trust, an unfamiliar territory kind of trust. And they didn't let me down. Thanks guys. Love you.

I haven't been taking very good care of myself lately. It started around Thanksgiving and has lasted through the entire Christian holiday season. I have been drinking gallons of Diet Dr. Pepper, eating hoardes of chocolate, and sleeping like a hibernating bear. The effects are beginning to show: on my body, on my psyche, on my emotional wellbeing. I don't make New Year's resolutions because I don't celebrate the New Year in January, but I do recognize that there are some things I need to do to help take better care of my body:

1. Drink less pop. I've already had one less today than I had yesterday. Progress.
2. Drink more water.
3. Eat less chocolate. This one couples with check my blood sugar more often with the nifty new blood sugar meter mooky sent to me, which I have to figure out how to use...
4. Nap. It is apparent to me and my fibromyalgia that naps help me function. An after-work nap makes the evening go much smoother. Anything beyond two hours, though, no longer qualifies as a nap and is qualified as sleep. Set an alarm.
5. Move. I haven't been moving very much lately; and with this cold, it is hard to get my joints to cooperate, but movement is really important to my health. I'm going to start getting back into my yogalates; and when I can kick the dog out of the house long enough to use the treadmill again, I will start walking again.

The problem is this: it is easy to SAY "Yes, I'm going to do all of this stuff"; but when it comes time to do everything, I fall short. Always. I lack motivation. I think it is tied directly to my lack of self worth - I don't feel that I deserve to be happy, healthy, or anything. Why is that? I, often, feel that I don't deserve to be here. Why?

Mooky says: I recognize that there are people in my past that have influenced my life choices; but ultimately, I am in control. I wonder if she will let me steal that for my mantra.

Deflated

So. I have to go to another appointment this afternoon. Somehow, I missed having this on my calendar; so, it was short-notice to get it approved. My boss seems frustrated with me. My co-workers seem frustrated with me. I know I'm doing the right thing by going to all of my appointments, but I'm feeling the strain. And I don't ever know whom to talk to about this; so, I don't talk to anybody. Then, I end up feeling like this: miserable and lonely. Little by little, my appointments are fanning out further apart. So, I don't have as many of them as I did previously. However, when they start to fall, they all fall together. I try to schedule as many of them as I can on a single day, but that isn't always possible. So then, I have situations like now. I only worked a half day yesterday because I had appointments to attend, and I'll leave two hours early today to go to another appointment. (I have to have my eyes checked today, and the MD will dilate me today. So, there's no point to coming back because I won't be able to see the words on my computer screen. Otherwise, I'd done the damn appointment on my lunch break.) I know that I'm doing the right thing, but it feels so stressful. So freaking stressful.

And also?

I feel like crap. Crap just floating around bumping into things. The bad part about feeling like crap is the fact that I'm doing it to myself. Too much pop and too much fast food. I know what I need to do about it (i.e. no more pop, no more eating at my desk because it makes it too easy to reach for fast food, no more fast food altogether); but when I have only myself to be accountable to, I let myself get by with a lot. It is easy to tell myself, "It is only one time!" three or four times in a row. For the most part, I'm a healthy gal. My blood pressure, regularly, is 120/80. (For those of you who don't know, that is "textbook" blood pressure. I'm right where everyone should be.) I don't have high cholesterol. My lungs and heart are functioning fine.

I just FEEL like crap. Big crap. Wide crap.

3 Mile - II

Ok.

I had pretty much convinced myself that I was going to start STRONG on Monday. That would give me another few days to think about things, mull things over, and generally freak out mentally. However, the dog woke me up at six o'clock in the morning - AGAIN - and I was just....awake. So, rather than watch tv for the next hour or so, I took her for a walk. We didn't go very far, only 930+ steps, but it is a start, right?

Plus, Ted just bought me a bike. So, I'm going to bike....somewhere....this weekend. Apparently, Monday was a little too late.

(I just calculated. 1000 steps is 0.5 mile. So, by the end of the day, I will be well on the way to starting a mile-training program. I want to go up in increments; so, this is good.)

3 Mile

(Before beginning, am I the only person who reads his / her own blog? I like my blog; it makes me happy. So, I read it a lot. Is that weird?)

At my appointment the other day, my doctor told me that my weight could be contributing to some of my health issues. She didn't say anything like, "you're fat; therefore, you have this or this." It was rather, "You have this and this, and your weight may be exacerbating those symptoms." I love my doctor, and I really, truly cannot disagree with this at all. The more weight my body carries around, the more stress there is on my joints, which aggravates my RA. The excess tissue and fluid my body carries around exacerbates my pain. Logically, I know this. I've known for a while. I don't accept the notion that I've contracted these conditions as a result of my fat, but I do know that my fat is contributing to how I physically feel.

CD (my doctor) is really awesome about the issue, too. We were talking about possible culprits for different types of pain, and we were talking about my daily eating habits and possible culprits there, too. So, she gave me a few little mental ninjabombs that I can't stop thinking about. Turns out, with the conditions I have, I should not be drinking any sort of caffeine at all. Period. Do not pass go. And I really love me some Dr. Pepper. *SIGH*

Also, she told me that in order to shed some of the 40 pounds I have put on over the past year of diagnosis-chasing, I need to be walking / jogging up to 3 miles daily. At first, this sounded completely ludicrous; but now, I can't stop thinking about it. For me, high-impact sports are out. They just cause too much pain. Running, jumping, volley balling, or anything of the sort of super-fit-people exercises cause me too much pain. (I know it totally sounds like an excuse, but it isn't.) However, walking, slow jogging, and / or swimming, I CAN DO. I can ride a bike. I can do step aerobics, too, when I feel the gusto to get really hammered. I can also do yoga and pilates. These are all light-impact activities. And now? Now, I can't stop thinking about doing three miles of SOMETHING per day. I think I feel like frog felt when she knew she wanted to start a running program, but she couldn't get past thinking and into motion. I'm scared of it even though I know it is good for me. Why? Because it will hurt like hell before it starts to feel good.

Right now, I'm walking up to 20 minutes per day and swimming on a fair routine. (This past week has been a no on the swimming due to lobster burn, but I try to go at least twice per week on a regular week.) (Which was not last week either due to flooding and tornado. Dammit!) So, I AM more than sedentary. But I'm just maintaining where I'm at now. I'm keeping myself from gaining more weight, but I'm not pushing my body to lose any of it either. And I know that I have every opportunity to do this for myself (i.e. treadmill, YMCA membership, spastic dog), I just can't seem to move past the picture in my head and into actual physical activity.

...I got distracted I will finish this later.

Body Acceptance

Over my lunch break, I was reading a recent People magazine in which the main article was about Kirstie Alley's "dramatic" weight gain. As pretty much everybody on the planet knows, Ms. Alley signed up two years ago to be the spokesperson for Jenny Craig and lost a LOT of weight. I didn't want to get all worked up over this article (because I've got a lot of other stuff going on right now), but it seems it was not to be helped. I have two major issues with this:

1. At her highest weight ever (225#), Ms. Alley looks BEAUTIFUL. Truly, she is gorgeous. She's got some blonde hair now, and she wore some really pretty dresses for the article photo shoot. She's really working the goddess-type body, but she thinks she is "hideous."
2. The whole article's focus is Kirstie's desire to start "rocking a new body."

More than anything, I have a really, really big problem with the "rocking a new body" comment / ideology. What started out as the concept of "fat acceptance," for me, has morphed into an entirely new set of thoughts, ideas, and opinions about BODY acceptance. "Rocking a new body" pisses me off something fierce. Would you like to know why?

You cannot get a NEW body. The one you have is the only one you're going to get.

I understand that with all of the advances we are making as a species, it is surprising that we haven't figured out how to body jump yet; but still, there it is. We haven't figured it out. If you happen to misplace your entire body, we cannot subscribe you a new one. So, in light of that fact (duh?), doesn't it make more sense to honor the body you have instead of subjugating it? If you are your body, then the vast majority of people really have ZERO love for themselves on the whole. How you treat your body is how you treat your spirit, your soul, your zen, or whatever else you want to call it. When you call your body names, you're demeaning your entire being. When you deny your body the things it needs, the things that are NECESSARY for survival, you are denying your entire self the opportunity to thrive. People die from failure to thrive, really.

But I know, right? It is a really hard concept. We get the message from EVERYWHERE that we aren't right. Are you too fat? Lose some weight. Are you going gray? Get some color. Are you fucked up somehow? We've got a pill for it. Trust me when I say that I know this is a struggle. I feel that I have been at war with my body for a year now...and I KNOW I have been at war with my psyche for a lot longer. My body is in constant pain - sometimes more acutely than others. My psyche is in a constant state of upheavel - sometimes more acutely than others. But do you know what I've figured out recently? That's right. I'm not going to miraculously get another body, mind, or spirit. I have to take care of the ones I've already got. No matter how much my body seems to want to defy me, I can't slough it off for a new, designer model. Coming to terms with that really set a lot of things into clarity for me. There is never going to be a "fix" for the disorders I have; so, why fight it so hard?

So, when I see someone I know measuring out exactly three teaspoons of salad dressing, I cringe. When I hear someone I love say that they need to find something to wear that doesn't make them look like they weigh what they actually weigh, I cringe. When I see Kirstie Alley splatter all over People magazine about how ashamed she is of her voluptuous body, I cringe. Because I want, so very much, to say to them, "Why not try to accept yourself as you are, first; and then, maybe you can try to make some changes?" Because if you can't accept the body you have as it is right now, you're never going to be satisfied. Because the truth is that we say these things because we're waiting to live until the outside looks the right way, behaves the right way, or functions the right way. If the outside doesn't match the inside, then there's no point in beginning. Right? I totally get it. I've done it. "I'll wait to go swimming until I don't hurt. I'll go outside when my legs don't ache. I'll buy that really cute dress that I LOVE when I can buy one size smaller." I've really, really been there. But you know? I totally think that me and you...and you...and you....are OK just the way we are. You know why? Because your body is upholding you, uplifting you, and seriously not trying to kill you. My body is upholding me, uplifting me, and generally mostly not trying to kill me. I can function. I can still do my job despite the fact that I thought one of my recent diagnoses was going to make it impossible for me to do so. I can still play with my dog, too. And You? You can walk. You have the capacity of all of your limbs. Hell, even your toes serve their purpose. And it is those little things for which I find and give thanks every goddamn day. I have accepted my body - at least for right this very minute.

Again, I know. It is a hard thing. I'm not saying that you can't or shouldn't take care of yourself. Exercise. Eat in a manner appropriate to your body. Don't try to blow up from the inside. Those are all GOOD things, and they are all things that I practice on a daily basis. What I'm trying to say is this: Like attracts like. You get back what you put out. And I don't want to go all universalist spiritual all over the place, but the fact of the matter is that it is true. If you are constantly down on your body, and by extension the rest of YOUR ENTIRE BEING (i.e. calling yourself "hideous" as Ms. Alley does), things aren't going to fall into place for you because you've made the whole process - your entire self - into something negative. You're trying to discipline yourself into something unnatural. But if you uplift yourself, be positive with yourself, and HONOR what you've already got, things will come naturally, easily. (True: There will always be struggles. This is a lesson to be learned over and over again. But so.totally.worth.it.)

So, maybe, just for a little while today, try to practice this new thing I've been doing: Find something, anything positive about your body and write it down. Say it out loud. And then? Expand upon that. If the only thing you've got is that your pedicure is cute, then please, by all means, start there. Does that pedicure make the rest of your foot look cute? Hot damn, it does! Does that mean you can wear cute little heels, which make your calves look pretty, too? YEAH! And even if you aren't happy with the majority of your physical appearance, try to entertain the idea that you ought to accept your body as it is in this very moment and in this space because you just aren't going to get another one. Make this one a priority.

We may have figured out how to transplant entire faces, but we're still working on new bodies.

IWTSYL

So, I saw this show on TV last night called "I Want to Save Your Life." I'm not linking it because I don't want the "thems" to know that I'm about to totally blast their idea.

Ok - the idea for the show is the "Diet Detective" ferrets out a person's bad habits, helps them overcome their fat-ness, and makes merry all over the place. The Diet Detective is a formerly fat person who is now thin, and he wants to "save your life" by making you thin, too. My curiosity was piqued; so, I watched. Today, I wanted to know more about said Diet Detective; so, I googled.

Two things:

1. Y'all, I was smacked in the face by Mr. Diet Detective's COMMERCIALISM. I didn't, for one second, believe that he really wanted to save my life. I did, however, believe that he wanted to
sell me a book. The mass capitalization of the fear of fat is really starting to bug me. When did we go from "Roman-esque" to just flabby and fat? Every single time I try to force myself into something thin, my Higher Power smacks me upside the head with a visualization of the
Venus of Willendorf - BECAUSE SHE LOOKS LIKE ME. Hips like you wouldn't believe? You betch'er ass I got 'em. Ask frog. So lately, I've been thinking that maybe it isn't my concept of thin vs. fat; maybe it is my concept of me vs. the "thems."

2. (And this is where the Melly-mentality really veers from what might be considered sane...but it is my thought process...) You want to save MY life? Why? Just because I'm a big girl? What if I'm an axe murderer? Do you still want to save my life? Are you basing your life-saving choices ONLY on the fat factor? If the only criteria is fat-ness, what do you do later on when you find out that the guy you're praising for losing one hundred pounds also has a history of beating his wife? Or is a pedophile? You don't know me from Adam, but you want to save my life? Really? Are you sure? What makes you so invested in my life that you want to save it from the great, evil fat? Furthermore, maybe I don't WANT you to be THAT invested in me?

So, IWTSYL didn't snare me. More than anything, it bugged me. Burr-under-my-skin type irritation. At first, I didn't know why I was so irritated; but slowly, the concepts began to dawn on me. I know that I'm struggling with the conflicting visions of myself, but I want
to be accepted - by myself first and foremost - no matter what. Media that downs me because of my size isn't helpful. So, nix it! (you bastard tv makers, you...)

The Magic Patch

I seriously may have found the magic migraine cure. Ok, well not the magic migraine cure...more like...the slow migraine helper...

Back story: A week or so ago, I somehow managed to oust my back. Hub went to the store for milk and eggs, or something else rather mundane, and he came home with these *looks at the package to get the name right* Tiger Balm Pain Relieving Patch-es. (The word on the package is not plural, for those of you wondering about that.) So, we put one on my back (yes, it took two of us that day), and all was well.

Flash forward to yesterday: Fast-acting migraine comes on. Fiorinal not working. Fish is ready to hurt someone and / or just go to bed and be deceased. Hub has the bright idea of putting the pain patch on. Now, before you all go "Head On! Apply directly to your head! Head On! Apply directly to your head!", we did not put it on my head. We put it on the back of my neck.

Seriously folks, it worked wonders. Within the first hour, I was down to low-grade, and I could get up and move around enough to take a bath. I took another set of Fiorinal with my Ambien, just to be safe, and I put on another patch before I went to bed. I awoke this morning to no stiff muscles in my neck, no migraine, and breakfast in bed. (I really love it when Hub is on vacation.) So, if you have migraines (ANGEL), try these patches! It's only about $3.00 for a package of five!

Coping Mechanisms

So, I was talking to frog about coping mechanisms this morning, which made me think about my own coping mechanisms. I know I have both good ones and bad ones. I need to rely more heavily on the good ones and less heavily on the bad ones; but in order to do that, I think I need to identify both, don't you agree?

Let's start with the bad...

• I'm a picker. I pick my nails, my arms, and any bit of skin I can get at. There is actually a name for what I do because I can get so lost in it that I can do it for hours if I'm not careful, but I don't remember what the name of it is. At one point, I rationalized it that I did this so the outside would hurt as much as the inside.
• I bite my nails.
• I'm comfortable in the "drama zone"; although, I have to admit that this has gotten a lot better.
• I pick fights w/ Bear when I'm feeling lonely or stressed out in order to release tension.
• I go to bed and sleep. I did this a lot when I lived in CA.

The good...

• I call people - particularly frog.
• I email - particularly Angel.
• I take a bath.
• I scrapbook.
• I play with Epona.

So, I need to focus more on those good things, and I need to build more good things.