Thursday, July 23, 2009


So. I have to go to another appointment this afternoon. Somehow, I missed having this on my calendar; so, it was short-notice to get it approved. My boss seems frustrated with me. My co-workers seem frustrated with me. I know I'm doing the right thing by going to all of my appointments, but I'm feeling the strain. And I don't ever know whom to talk to about this; so, I don't talk to anybody. Then, I end up feeling like this: miserable and lonely. Little by little, my appointments are fanning out further apart. So, I don't have as many of them as I did previously. However, when they start to fall, they all fall together. I try to schedule as many of them as I can on a single day, but that isn't always possible. So then, I have situations like now. I only worked a half day yesterday because I had appointments to attend, and I'll leave two hours early today to go to another appointment. (I have to have my eyes checked today, and the MD will dilate me today. So, there's no point to coming back because I won't be able to see the words on my computer screen. Otherwise, I'd done the damn appointment on my lunch break.) I know that I'm doing the right thing, but it feels so stressful. So freaking stressful.

And also?

I feel like crap. Crap just floating around bumping into things. The bad part about feeling like crap is the fact that I'm doing it to myself. Too much pop and too much fast food. I know what I need to do about it (i.e. no more pop, no more eating at my desk because it makes it too easy to reach for fast food, no more fast food altogether); but when I have only myself to be accountable to, I let myself get by with a lot. It is easy to tell myself, "It is only one time!" three or four times in a row. For the most part, I'm a healthy gal. My blood pressure, regularly, is 120/80. (For those of you who don't know, that is "textbook" blood pressure. I'm right where everyone should be.) I don't have high cholesterol. My lungs and heart are functioning fine.

I just FEEL like crap. Big crap. Wide crap.

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