I hate to admit when I'm having a bad day. I don't want anybody to think that my BPD is not under control. I'm terrified that if I have a single episode, everybody will be up in arms to tell me how much help I need. I'm under control. My BPD is well-controlled.
But I'm having a bad day. I want to cry. I want to go home and go to bed. Maybe that is why so many BPD patients are larger folks; we just want to crawl into bed and hide from the world. And even though I KNOW it isn't true, I feel lonely and unloved. The logical side of me says that it is just a mood swing, but the emotional side of me can't help but grab that vine and swing away.
I need to stop thinking about all of the things I don't have or won't have, and I need to focus upon the things I do have. Stop thinking about the negative, which drags me further down, and think about the positive. It is so hard to do in this frame of mind, though. It is hard to get out of this teary, dreary downswing - how hard it is to crawl back up from the little hole and into the light.
Ok--so what do I have right now that is positive:
I have a husband who loves me in the best way he can.
I have a wife who is genuinely making an effort to help me better our relationship.
I have a best friend who has always been there for me for support.
I have two new very good friends who are also supportive and giving.
I have a dog who is always happy to see me and loves me (just because I feed her probably LOL).
I have family that I will be seeing in a month.
I have a LIFE that I didn't have six months ago - a full life with things I enjoy doing, people I enjoy seeing, and needs met that weren't previously met.
AND I figured out how to beat big brother and still make blog posts at work. *flips them off*