Thursday, July 23, 2009


So. I have to go to another appointment this afternoon. Somehow, I missed having this on my calendar; so, it was short-notice to get it approved. My boss seems frustrated with me. My co-workers seem frustrated with me. I know I'm doing the right thing by going to all of my appointments, but I'm feeling the strain. And I don't ever know whom to talk to about this; so, I don't talk to anybody. Then, I end up feeling like this: miserable and lonely. Little by little, my appointments are fanning out further apart. So, I don't have as many of them as I did previously. However, when they start to fall, they all fall together. I try to schedule as many of them as I can on a single day, but that isn't always possible. So then, I have situations like now. I only worked a half day yesterday because I had appointments to attend, and I'll leave two hours early today to go to another appointment. (I have to have my eyes checked today, and the MD will dilate me today. So, there's no point to coming back because I won't be able to see the words on my computer screen. Otherwise, I'd done the damn appointment on my lunch break.) I know that I'm doing the right thing, but it feels so stressful. So freaking stressful.

And also?

I feel like crap. Crap just floating around bumping into things. The bad part about feeling like crap is the fact that I'm doing it to myself. Too much pop and too much fast food. I know what I need to do about it (i.e. no more pop, no more eating at my desk because it makes it too easy to reach for fast food, no more fast food altogether); but when I have only myself to be accountable to, I let myself get by with a lot. It is easy to tell myself, "It is only one time!" three or four times in a row. For the most part, I'm a healthy gal. My blood pressure, regularly, is 120/80. (For those of you who don't know, that is "textbook" blood pressure. I'm right where everyone should be.) I don't have high cholesterol. My lungs and heart are functioning fine.

I just FEEL like crap. Big crap. Wide crap.

Friday, July 10, 2009

The Frog

How did it ever come to be six freaking years already? Even more than that when you count the on-again-off-again before 7/10/03. But we've talked about the meeting stories for years. We've re-hashed the early days many times. Let's talk about something deeper today, shall we?

I never felt like you were a part of my life until 2006. God, that sounds bad, but I gotta say, it is the truth. You were my permanent vacation. I could escape to you and pretend that all was right with me. That's the hardline truth of it. I could pretend that I was OK when I went to see you because I could fool myself into thinking you wouldn't know otherwise. The thing about you and me is that we never fought often; but when we did, they were doozies BECAUSE we really didn't know a lot about each other. The most honest things we've ever said to each other included, "I don't feel like you know me." We've both said it, and we both meant it 100%.

(This is really turning into a nice anniversary post, isn't it? It'll get better.)

Something funny started happening in 2006. I started realizing that I was using you as an escape. I started to realize that if you didn't know me, I couldn't blame that all on you. You didn't know me because I wouldn't let you know me. You didn't know how bad things would get for me because I wouldn't let it show. You never knew if I got irritated with you because I never said anything. And you know what? When I started to tell you stuff, you started to tell me stuff, too. We actually started SHARING our lives with one another on more than a part-time basis because we were really talking. One of the best moments of our entire relationship happened, for me, at the Sonic in Davenport over some chocolate milkshakes and a cherry limeade. Isn't that interesting? Nothing super-sexually-charged. Nothing like standing atop the Eiffel tower. It was just a black bench on the west side of Davenport; but seriously, it was one of the best moments ever for me when I think about you.

Since that moment, we actually share life. We're partners now rather than vacationers in each others' lives. You solidified that for me when you were willing to take me to the hospital in the middle of the week instead of telling me it would be fine. I needed that to make you solid, real in my head. We took each other as partners a long time ago, but I feel it has taken us (me?) this long to actually get.there. I'm there now, and I'm pretty sure you're there now, too, and it is a LOT easier than maintaining all the other pretty vacation poses.

So, I may not be as cute as I once was, and we may not have as many little trips with diary quips of how adorable we are together, but we're finally partners. And I may not yet be sharing everything with you, but I'm sharing more and more every day, and I hope you see that. I hope you see how much more I've finally been able to let you in - because that is truly the one thing that scares the crap out of me.

Tammy said it best to me once - when you let someone all the way in, all the way deep inside, you give them the power to destroy you because they can hurt you like nobody else can. It isn't a new concept, but she put words to my fear, and I still carry that around with me. Trusting that I won't be abandoned or left behind is h.a.r.d., but I'm getting there, beeb. One little breakdown at a time, you show me that you're here for me, and I hope I do the same for you, too. (You burrow, though, instead of blow up like I do.)

So, today is our anniversary, and I don't want to say "happy" anniversary. I want to say thanks for an honest anniversary. Thanks for a real, true, hard-core anniversary. Thanks for holding on through all of the "happy" ones to get to the real ones that actually matter. Thanks for being patient enough to stick around when all I knew how to do was push you away. Thanks for remembering that there was something deep inside of me that you loved enough to make a committment towards even when I was blowing up everything I could get my hands on.

There are so many more things I could say, but I don't think I'd ever be able to convey how much different I feel about today when I compare it to the past.

More today than yesterday. So freaking much more.
Less than tomorrow. Exponentially.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009


I'm not supposed to be scared of anything
But I don't know where I am
I wish that I could move
But I'm exhausted
And nobody understands (how I feel)

I'm trying hard to breathe now
But there's no air in my lungs
There's no one here to talk to
And the pain inside is making me numb

I try to hold this under control
They can't help me
Because no one knows

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm going through changes, changes

I'm feeling weak and weary
Walking through this world alone
Every thing they say, every word of it
Cuts me to the bone

I got something to say
But now I've got no where to turn
It feels like I've been buried
Underneath all the weight of the world

I try to hold this under control
They can't help me
Because no one knows

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm going through changes, changes

I'm blind and shaking
Bound and breaking
I hope I'll make it
Through all these changes

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm falling apart, I feel it

But I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
And I get suffocated, I hate this
But I'm going through changes, changes

-3 Doors Down

{*Note: Yes, I know...this is a little emo, but it fits right now and sometimes.}

Spin Cycle: Driving

I have been trying to come up with a fun story about driving, but I seriously got nothin'. So, here are some not-so-interesting facts about my driving history:
  • I have never been stopped for speeding.
  • I have never been in an accident.
  • I backed into a parked car when I was eighteen; this is the only "fender bender" I've ever been in.
  • I learned to drive in San Diego, CA in approximately 1997-1998 in a Ford F-150. I can drive ANYTHING now.
  • I am the third-worst passenger I know, unless I am passengering w/ frog. (#1: Moose. #2: Bear.)
  • I was flooded out of my car recently, and it was totaled. (Damn flash floods.)
  • I did not get my license until I was eighteen.
  • I only missed two on my driver's test.
  • My first car was a Ford Tempo that Bear bought for me when I moved to IA.
  • My dream car is a bright-pink mini-cooper w/ a chihuahua in the back seat.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009