How did it ever come to be six freaking years already? Even more than that when you count the on-again-off-again before 7/10/03. But we've talked about the meeting stories for years. We've re-hashed the early days many times. Let's talk about something deeper today, shall we?
I never felt like you were a part of my life until 2006. God, that sounds bad, but I gotta say, it is the truth. You were my permanent vacation. I could escape to you and pretend that all was right with me. That's the hardline truth of it. I could pretend that I was OK when I went to see you because I could fool myself into thinking you wouldn't know otherwise. The thing about you and me is that we never fought often; but when we did, they were doozies BECAUSE we really didn't know a lot about each other. The most honest things we've ever said to each other included, "I don't feel like you know me." We've both said it, and we both meant it 100%.
(This is really turning into a nice anniversary post, isn't it? It'll get better.)
Something funny started happening in 2006. I started realizing that I was using you as an escape. I started to realize that if you didn't know me, I couldn't blame that all on you. You didn't know me because I wouldn't let you know me. You didn't know how bad things would get for me because I wouldn't let it show. You never knew if I got irritated with you because I never said anything. And you know what? When I started to tell you stuff, you started to tell me stuff, too. We actually started SHARING our lives with one another on more than a part-time basis because we were really talking. One of the best moments of our entire relationship happened, for me, at the Sonic in Davenport over some chocolate milkshakes and a cherry limeade. Isn't that interesting? Nothing super-sexually-charged. Nothing like standing atop the Eiffel tower. It was just a black bench on the west side of Davenport; but seriously, it was one of the best moments ever for me when I think about you.
Since that moment, we actually share life. We're partners now rather than vacationers in each others' lives. You solidified that for me when you were willing to take me to the hospital in the middle of the week instead of telling me it would be fine. I needed that to make you solid, real in my head. We took each other as partners a long time ago, but I feel it has taken us (me?) this long to actually get.there. I'm there now, and I'm pretty sure you're there now, too, and it is a LOT easier than maintaining all the other pretty vacation poses.
So, I may not be as cute as I once was, and we may not have as many little trips with diary quips of how adorable we are together, but we're finally partners. And I may not yet be sharing everything with you, but I'm sharing more and more every day, and I hope you see that. I hope you see how much more I've finally been able to let you in - because that is truly the one thing that scares the crap out of me.
Tammy said it best to me once - when you let someone all the way in, all the way deep inside, you give them the power to destroy you because they can hurt you like nobody else can. It isn't a new concept, but she put words to my fear, and I still carry that around with me. Trusting that I won't be abandoned or left behind is h.a.r.d., but I'm getting there, beeb. One little breakdown at a time, you show me that you're here for me, and I hope I do the same for you, too. (You burrow, though, instead of blow up like I do.)
So, today is our anniversary, and I don't want to say "happy" anniversary. I want to say thanks for an honest anniversary. Thanks for a real, true, hard-core anniversary. Thanks for holding on through all of the "happy" ones to get to the real ones that actually matter. Thanks for being patient enough to stick around when all I knew how to do was push you away. Thanks for remembering that there was something deep inside of me that you loved enough to make a committment towards even when I was blowing up everything I could get my hands on.
There are so many more things I could say, but I don't think I'd ever be able to convey how much different I feel about today when I compare it to the past.
More today than yesterday. So freaking much more.
Less than tomorrow. Exponentially.
Showing posts with label Frog. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Frog. Show all posts
Friday, July 10, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
FMLYHM
[frog asked me to do this for her, and i'm posting it so you can see my girl the way i do...]
"I love the sound when you come undone..."
I'm sure I have seen you play a million times, but there are only a few that stand out in my mind. I remember the very first time I saw you play. It was with Daddy Ron down by the river. I remember being so nervous for you, but you seemed very...."with it." By now, you were a seasoned veteran at this stuff while I was still the green tadpole.
I remember watching as he led you to the horse, and I remember thinking that there was no way I'd be able to get on the thing as easily as you did. I won't say that Daddy Ron beat the hell out of you because I've seen you take greater pain, but it was a far cry from soft. I remember being worried about you; but when I saw your face, I knew it was all like rain. And when he put you in the cage...and left you there...and left you there...? I thought you would be upset at being left because he seemed to have forgotten about you....but you became a different person then....a different being. The air around you even changed. I wanted to know you then...so incredibly badly...but a part of me knew that I couldn't be in that moment with you. One of us always felt the need to take care of the other one.
You always have this moment during a scene. You're like me more than you know - only I was the physical version of your mental struggle. In every scene I've ever seen (rhyme!), you struggle with yourself. Ultimately, I think that is why we were there to begin with - to struggle against ourselves. On the outside, you have a calm, cool, collected exterior shell. It keeps you safe. It keeps you at a distance. During the scene, though, you had to get beyond that and be vulnerable - something I think you dislike as much as I do. I always could see it on your face. Your features always showed the struggle to keep up the exterior and get to the end result. We can't do both, though, and I always knew the minute you gave over and accepted the pain as your due. I think, in some ways, you wanted to keep up your exterior because you could BE the good submissive then. I think you were afraid that if you let go, you wouldn't be as good. It was beautiful to watch, though; and after, you were always pliant like water. It would sort of sneak up on you sometimes and flash across your face - particularly your constantly-knitted forehead. And then, your features would smooth, and you would sink into your body, and you would go further than you originally intended.
When I saw you take the single tail, I remember wondering if you'd get mad. The last time you had played, you had to get mad in order to get there. This was another stranger, and I wondered if you would have to get mad again. You never looked more to me what you fantasized to be than in that moment. And I've seen many moments when you were TRYING to get the look. This was natural. This was from your core. I could tell you were scared because you wouldn't stop moving your fingers. You knew from the beginning that it was going to hurt, but I could tell from your body language that pain was the whole point. I think you were trying to prove something, but I could never figure out what it was. You had the posture of someone trying to make a point. "I can DO this." It occurred to me later on that maybe you were trying to prove to Darrin that he couldn't hurt you as he so greatly feared. It takes a tremendous amount of love for someone to give people like us what we desire, and I think few people can stomach the results...even such a large Moose.
I also remember thinking that you looked like milk when the first strikes began to fall. You were there, shaking your head no, but your body was becoming loose, like you always do, like water. But your skin was so creamy that you reminded me of milk - the consistency of water without the lack of obvious color. And I remember you cried. And I remember the marks on your shoulders and back. And I remember that the air around you changed. In that moment, you were a whole person. I'd never seen it before, and I've never seen it since. Every fragment I'd ever seen of you sluiced into a whole being - a wholly fulfilled being. Whatever it was that pain gave you, you had it in spades at that moment. It rolled off of you in waves. It was sweet like candy, and I had to sit down. I have no idea how you got down from that cross because I don't remember anything after that moment.
I miss those moments - not only for myself but for you. I miss seeing you that way - vulnerable in a way you could never be with me. I enjoyed being the voyeur to those secret parts of you. I miss knowing that you have that, that the desire is fulfilled for you, and that you can have - at the very least - moments of being complete.
"I love the sound when you come undone..."
I'm sure I have seen you play a million times, but there are only a few that stand out in my mind. I remember the very first time I saw you play. It was with Daddy Ron down by the river. I remember being so nervous for you, but you seemed very...."with it." By now, you were a seasoned veteran at this stuff while I was still the green tadpole.
I remember watching as he led you to the horse, and I remember thinking that there was no way I'd be able to get on the thing as easily as you did. I won't say that Daddy Ron beat the hell out of you because I've seen you take greater pain, but it was a far cry from soft. I remember being worried about you; but when I saw your face, I knew it was all like rain. And when he put you in the cage...and left you there...and left you there...? I thought you would be upset at being left because he seemed to have forgotten about you....but you became a different person then....a different being. The air around you even changed. I wanted to know you then...so incredibly badly...but a part of me knew that I couldn't be in that moment with you. One of us always felt the need to take care of the other one.
You always have this moment during a scene. You're like me more than you know - only I was the physical version of your mental struggle. In every scene I've ever seen (rhyme!), you struggle with yourself. Ultimately, I think that is why we were there to begin with - to struggle against ourselves. On the outside, you have a calm, cool, collected exterior shell. It keeps you safe. It keeps you at a distance. During the scene, though, you had to get beyond that and be vulnerable - something I think you dislike as much as I do. I always could see it on your face. Your features always showed the struggle to keep up the exterior and get to the end result. We can't do both, though, and I always knew the minute you gave over and accepted the pain as your due. I think, in some ways, you wanted to keep up your exterior because you could BE the good submissive then. I think you were afraid that if you let go, you wouldn't be as good. It was beautiful to watch, though; and after, you were always pliant like water. It would sort of sneak up on you sometimes and flash across your face - particularly your constantly-knitted forehead. And then, your features would smooth, and you would sink into your body, and you would go further than you originally intended.
When I saw you take the single tail, I remember wondering if you'd get mad. The last time you had played, you had to get mad in order to get there. This was another stranger, and I wondered if you would have to get mad again. You never looked more to me what you fantasized to be than in that moment. And I've seen many moments when you were TRYING to get the look. This was natural. This was from your core. I could tell you were scared because you wouldn't stop moving your fingers. You knew from the beginning that it was going to hurt, but I could tell from your body language that pain was the whole point. I think you were trying to prove something, but I could never figure out what it was. You had the posture of someone trying to make a point. "I can DO this." It occurred to me later on that maybe you were trying to prove to Darrin that he couldn't hurt you as he so greatly feared. It takes a tremendous amount of love for someone to give people like us what we desire, and I think few people can stomach the results...even such a large Moose.
I also remember thinking that you looked like milk when the first strikes began to fall. You were there, shaking your head no, but your body was becoming loose, like you always do, like water. But your skin was so creamy that you reminded me of milk - the consistency of water without the lack of obvious color. And I remember you cried. And I remember the marks on your shoulders and back. And I remember that the air around you changed. In that moment, you were a whole person. I'd never seen it before, and I've never seen it since. Every fragment I'd ever seen of you sluiced into a whole being - a wholly fulfilled being. Whatever it was that pain gave you, you had it in spades at that moment. It rolled off of you in waves. It was sweet like candy, and I had to sit down. I have no idea how you got down from that cross because I don't remember anything after that moment.
I miss those moments - not only for myself but for you. I miss seeing you that way - vulnerable in a way you could never be with me. I enjoyed being the voyeur to those secret parts of you. I miss knowing that you have that, that the desire is fulfilled for you, and that you can have - at the very least - moments of being complete.
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