Tuesday, May 5, 2009


[frog asked me to do this for her, and i'm posting it so you can see my girl the way i do...]

"I love the sound when you come undone..."

I'm sure I have seen you play a million times, but there are only a few that stand out in my mind. I remember the very first time I saw you play. It was with Daddy Ron down by the river. I remember being so nervous for you, but you seemed very...."with it." By now, you were a seasoned veteran at this stuff while I was still the green tadpole.

I remember watching as he led you to the horse, and I remember thinking that there was no way I'd be able to get on the thing as easily as you did. I won't say that Daddy Ron beat the hell out of you because I've seen you take greater pain, but it was a far cry from soft. I remember being worried about you; but when I saw your face, I knew it was all like rain. And when he put you in the cage...and left you there...and left you there...? I thought you would be upset at being left because he seemed to have forgotten about you....but you became a different person then....a different being. The air around you even changed. I wanted to know you then...so incredibly badly...but a part of me knew that I couldn't be in that moment with you. One of us always felt the need to take care of the other one.

You always have this moment during a scene. You're like me more than you know - only I was the physical version of your mental struggle. In every scene I've ever seen (rhyme!), you struggle with yourself. Ultimately, I think that is why we were there to begin with - to struggle against ourselves. On the outside, you have a calm, cool, collected exterior shell. It keeps you safe. It keeps you at a distance. During the scene, though, you had to get beyond that and be vulnerable - something I think you dislike as much as I do. I always could see it on your face. Your features always showed the struggle to keep up the exterior and get to the end result. We can't do both, though, and I always knew the minute you gave over and accepted the pain as your due. I think, in some ways, you wanted to keep up your exterior because you could BE the good submissive then. I think you were afraid that if you let go, you wouldn't be as good. It was beautiful to watch, though; and after, you were always pliant like water. It would sort of sneak up on you sometimes and flash across your face - particularly your constantly-knitted forehead. And then, your features would smooth, and you would sink into your body, and you would go further than you originally intended.

When I saw you take the single tail, I remember wondering if you'd get mad. The last time you had played, you had to get mad in order to get there. This was another stranger, and I wondered if you would have to get mad again. You never looked more to me what you fantasized to be than in that moment. And I've seen many moments when you were TRYING to get the look. This was natural. This was from your core. I could tell you were scared because you wouldn't stop moving your fingers. You knew from the beginning that it was going to hurt, but I could tell from your body language that pain was the whole point. I think you were trying to prove something, but I could never figure out what it was. You had the posture of someone trying to make a point. "I can DO this." It occurred to me later on that maybe you were trying to prove to Darrin that he couldn't hurt you as he so greatly feared. It takes a tremendous amount of love for someone to give people like us what we desire, and I think few people can stomach the results...even such a large Moose.

I also remember thinking that you looked like milk when the first strikes began to fall. You were there, shaking your head no, but your body was becoming loose, like you always do, like water. But your skin was so creamy that you reminded me of milk - the consistency of water without the lack of obvious color. And I remember you cried. And I remember the marks on your shoulders and back. And I remember that the air around you changed. In that moment, you were a whole person. I'd never seen it before, and I've never seen it since. Every fragment I'd ever seen of you sluiced into a whole being - a wholly fulfilled being. Whatever it was that pain gave you, you had it in spades at that moment. It rolled off of you in waves. It was sweet like candy, and I had to sit down. I have no idea how you got down from that cross because I don't remember anything after that moment.

I miss those moments - not only for myself but for you. I miss seeing you that way - vulnerable in a way you could never be with me. I enjoyed being the voyeur to those secret parts of you. I miss knowing that you have that, that the desire is fulfilled for you, and that you can have - at the very least - moments of being complete.

1 comment:

  1. I'm a little stunned...but very happyfuzzy. And I cried. Just a little. =*