Sunday, October 31, 2010

The New Year

Oh how the new year comes so quickly.

Suffice it to say, friends, that this has been a difficult year.  I truly do believe that this has been the hardest year of my life.  But I made it through; I conquered the monster. 

I am stronger now because I believe in myself.
I am lighter now because I do not carry your weight.
I am more faithful now because I see you moving in my life.
I am more at peace now because there are not torrents of emotion blowing through my life.
I am comfortable in my skin now because I know that I belong here.
I am in love with myself again because I have proven my worth to myself.
I am humble because I had to be completely torn down to understand my own value.
I am ready to let go of so many things because I see how downtrodden they made me.
I am ready to face the future because I have conquered my past.

So, what do I expect for the new year?  I expect that I will make wiser decisions based upon the fact that I have weathered so many bad ones.  I expect that I will rely on friends and family who are supportive of me and who accept me unconditionally, without fail, and full of love.  I know that my circle is real.  I expect that I will be moving on into a new chapter of life, and I am looking forward to it immensely.  I expect that there will be bad times, but I know that they will be brief, and they will make me stronger.  I expect that I will continue to grow, learn, and accept things as they are without trying to force change.  I expect that I will be deepened in faith, my well continuing to accept new information, new paths to tread.

The wheel turns.  We cannot stop it.  Learn to enjoy the ride.

Saturday, October 16, 2010


I have always felt that with submission should come grace.  A submissive / slave should show grace, act graceful, speak gracefully, and, in all things, not look like a jackass - thus bringing the height of her training down.  I cannot say, truthfully, that I have always BEHAVED gracefully, but I always felt so.

When you switch gears from submissive mode to survival mode, though, all grace goes out the window - even if you are trying hard to maintain some semblance of grace.  When I shuttled out of submissive mode and straight into am-I-going-to-live mode, all grace went out the window.  I became a crass, foul-mouthed, rotten old lady.  I dropped the f-bomb all the time.  I was grumpy and mean, and I know that I did not always behave in the manner I was taught (or self-taught).  It was strictly surviving from day to day.

However, I know someone who has stage 4 cancer.  That means that her cancer is never going away.  The goal, for her, right now is not to beat cancer but to see how long she can live with the cancer.  And this woman is amazingly graceful in everything she does.  And I noted a marked difference between how this woman behaves and myself last night when I hosted a forum.  I was still crass and foul-mouthed, and I know I was not graceful.

As I am slowly coming out of survival mode and back into the world, I wonder if I can achieve that state of grace again.  I wonder if I can rise up to the standards I kept for myself and the standards that would be appreciated by a dominant partner.

All I can do is try...

Friday, October 8, 2010


"This is my Vietnam
I'm at war
Life keeps on dropping bombs
And I keep score"

Most bombs that are dropped upon a person are large, loaded with shrapnel, and devastating.  Once in a while, though, a bomb comes by wrapped in pretty packaging and tied up with a bow.  Yesterday, I had one of these bombs dropped on me.  But I am so scared that something will fall through.  I am guarding it so close to my chest because I really want it to work out.  I deserve this.  I am worthy of this.  More than that, someone else thinks I am worthy of this.  And I am so hopeful that this will relieve some of the burden off of my husband.  He deserves this more than any man ever did.  He has stood by me through everything I have ever gone through.  I am pretty sure he is the best man on the planet.  I know that by standards, I've got the gold when it comes to him.

Friday, October 1, 2010


"If building structure is defining the space within which things can happen, the appropriate use of discipline is to build and maintain that structure — and then let go of what happens within it."
That is always the hard part, isn't it?  Letting go.  Moving on.  Growing up.  I see a picture of me now that doesn't include false promises, groveling, or belittling.  I am strong because I have built my structure to endure much more than anyone can know.  On a daily basis, I endure much more than most people can handle in a lifetime.  I don't say that to be arrogant; I say it because it is true.  Walk a mile in my shoes before you tell me that you know where I'm at.  My structure is solid because I made sure there were no leaks or cracks when it was built.  And I do the best I can to maintain that structure.  Sure, I fall short sometimes, but I am doing my very best to maintain my holy structure.
And whatever happens inside, whatever whirlwind I am having today, that is Her will.  And I consciously give it up to Her.  She cannot take away my pain - emotionally or physically - but She can give me the will and the fortitude to endure it.  The light at the end of the tunnel is not a freight train, but the path to heaven.  I hear the voice of God(dess) in my head again (I tuned Her out for so long), and She tells me to stand up strong and straight, true and honored.  Because I am not unworthy.  I am not broken.  My structure stands firm, a holy temple, within which I can hear Her voice again.  And I am blessed to hear it.