Tuesday, November 17, 2009

The Bad Touch

So, you know how I blogged earlier about wishing someone would just want to reach out and touch me? Yeah, the problem is that I don't really like to be touched. In my mind, I am a physical person. In reality, I'm not. Physical touch makes me nervous. A lot of times, it hurts. So, I try to reconcile this desire to feel intimate with others (because that is what touch is...intimacy) with my sensitivity to being touched.

It is hard. I want to be loved. I want to know that I am loved. I want proof of that love - just like everybody else. People often think that because I'm a poly person, all of my needs are met - that my cup over floweth. But the fact is that it isn't true because I have a hard time communicating my needs. I have a hard time expressing my desires and needs because I learned from an early age to put everyone else first. I'm trying to re-align my thinking because I'm learning that if I do express my desires, chances are they will be met. It is hard, though, because it is almost like I am hard wired to swallow my own voice. And when I do finally communicate, I blow up like a whale, which isn't good either. So, I'm trying to re-teach myself this process.

It is all related to this process of loving myself because I have to love myself enough to vocalize. I have to value myself enough to verbalize my needs. Like I said, it is a process...

Monday, November 16, 2009

human contact

...sometimes i just want someone to want to touch me....to want to attack me...to want to physically love me...

...i am so lonely for physical human contact...

Monday, November 9, 2009


I haven't had dreams for years. I know, I know...they say that everybody has dreams but not everybody could remember them. I've been on Ambien for years, though; so, no dreams. Only knocked out sleepiness.

Since I've been off the Ambien, though, my dreams are returning. Ohboy are they returning. I sent something to frog about a dream I had about her. If she gives her permission, I will post it here.

I didn't sleep last night due to muscle spasms all.nignt.long and I'm about as groggy as hell.....

Monday, November 2, 2009

A few days...

A new year!

For those of you unfamiliar with fish-time, 10/31/09 is "new years eve" and 11/1/09 marks a new spiritual year. The wheel turns. This time it turned with a lot of change. I spent 10/31/09 at a party, and it was really exactly what I needed. It re-affirmed that in the end, no matter how hard I try to change it, I have a submissive heart. And I'm more ok with that now than I was a few weeks ago.

For my costume, I was going for comfort. Knowing it was going to be a long night, I didn't want to be all trussed up in something unfathomable; so, I bought some scrubs from Wal-Mart and went as a nurse. Crocs and all. :) I was very comfortable, and I got a lot of compliments on my hand-made mask. (It was kinda sorta a mardi gras theme.)

Yesterday, Hub and I spent the day running errands, cleaning stuff out, and generally being busyworky. It was nice to spend time with him, though, in a downtime kind of way. I even took a nap.

Today is the first day of my new part-time status at work; so, I'm suddenly over-laden with time. I still have thirty minutes or so before I need to go to work. Already today we've walked the dog, I took a shower, styled my hair, put make-up on, and had coffee. I've caught up on email and blogs, and now I'm actually making a fairly coherent blog post. This might be the start of a new morning routine! I still have to pack my lunch for today, though. I need to not forget to do that.

So, as this new spiritual year dawns, I feel blessed. I feel humble. I feel claimed and calmed. I hope you all feel the same.

Happy New Year. :)