Tuesday, November 17, 2009

The Bad Touch

So, you know how I blogged earlier about wishing someone would just want to reach out and touch me? Yeah, the problem is that I don't really like to be touched. In my mind, I am a physical person. In reality, I'm not. Physical touch makes me nervous. A lot of times, it hurts. So, I try to reconcile this desire to feel intimate with others (because that is what touch is...intimacy) with my sensitivity to being touched.

It is hard. I want to be loved. I want to know that I am loved. I want proof of that love - just like everybody else. People often think that because I'm a poly person, all of my needs are met - that my cup over floweth. But the fact is that it isn't true because I have a hard time communicating my needs. I have a hard time expressing my desires and needs because I learned from an early age to put everyone else first. I'm trying to re-align my thinking because I'm learning that if I do express my desires, chances are they will be met. It is hard, though, because it is almost like I am hard wired to swallow my own voice. And when I do finally communicate, I blow up like a whale, which isn't good either. So, I'm trying to re-teach myself this process.

It is all related to this process of loving myself because I have to love myself enough to vocalize. I have to value myself enough to verbalize my needs. Like I said, it is a process...

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