Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Saturday, March 27, 2010

I Worked with Vellum!

To finish my co-worker's project, I had it in my head that I was going to work with vellum.  It has the see-through effect that I wanted.  Here is the finished project.  I hope she likes it!

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Another Frame

One of my co-workers asked me to put this together for her mom...

(hard to read.  It says Mother.)

Wednesday, March 17, 2010


luna poses this as today's prompt:

“Do not be like servants who serve their masters expecting to receive a reward; be rather like servants who serve their master unconditionally, with no thought of reward.” – Antigonus of Sokho

I swear I can hear frog saying this to me.  Be the submissive internally.  It has been a long time since I experienced this feeling, but I feel I am getting close.  During the week, I try to do things for myself that keep me in the submissive frame of mind.  Little things.  Certainly, I think about certain people or certain things...certain times...certain scenes....but it is the little things I do for myself that keep me in the submissive frame of mind "with no thought of reward."
See, the thing is...those little things I do go unnoticed by anyone, but they are profound to me.  They go unrewarded, but they make me feel the submissiveness in my heart.  Anything I receive beyond that is like sprinkles on the cake.
....which reminds me, I have brownies!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010


I had to look back on my frame today and remind myself to live in the now.  Right now, this is how it is.  Right now, it isn't changing.  Right now, it isn't helping me to fret over it.

Right now is just right now.  Right now has the potential to be free of clouds of worry, if i will let that happen.  Right now has the potential to be a good moment, if i will let that happen.

It is ok to look back - on good times or bad - but dwelling and getting all up in my head, again, isn't helping me - even if I'm looking back on something good.  It is time to keep moving forward.  Forge ahead and see what happens.  Keeping the mind locked outside of right now means I don't get to experience right now.  And although right now is pretty boring, i.e. work and such, it still is a moment that COULD BE good and groovy.

It is important for me to remember that no matter how much I want to keep my feelings close, guarded, sheltered, I have to let them come and go as they will.  There is a fluidity that must be maintained because holding onto something means you've occupied space that could be filled with something else.  Feelings should come and go like this; nothing should ever be stagnant or withheld.  Nothing should ever be kept on too long that it becomes less joyful.

It was a joyful time I experienced.  It is a joyful memory I carry lightly, loosely; and gradually, I let go to make room for what comes next.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

The Runes

The second tattoo I got consisted of a line of runes down the middle of my back.  Lately, they have been talking to me, wanting me to pay attention to their meaning.  So, here we go.  The order I talk about them is the order they are tattooed on my back.

YR:  Protection
This comes first and before all others because it is the eye that can see behind me.  Some people have Jesus or Mary tattooed on their back for the same reason - to watch their back, to see what it coming up behind them.  When I first started doing spiritual work, I felt a great need for protection.  Now, I feel I have built myself up to protect myself, but this rune is a reminder to do so, and it is a reminder of the work needed to be done in order to protect one's self.

Ansur:  Wisdom
There's an old saying:  With age comes wisdom.  But I don't believe that to be true because I know some pretty stupid old people.  I more believe that with experience comes wisdom.  Some of the wisest people in my life aren't what one would consider "old."  This is my reminder to achieve not just common sense, not just book learning, but wisdom - the all encompassing knowledge that ties everything together.

Sigel:  Honor
When I got this tattoo, it was meant in the way of the warrior.  To fight the good fight with honor.  But now, it has taken on an entirely new meaning for me.  Honor thyself.  I have been working long and hard to honor myself, to show myself gratitude and compassion, and to lift myself out of the darkness and into the light.  Some days, I slip back down, but I have a good support system in place to help me on those days, and they honor me, too, when they help me.

Dang:  Self
All roads lead to self.  Protection of self.  The wisdom within one's self.  Honoring thyself.  Because everything begins and ends with me.  All of the tantrums and mood swings begin and end with me.  I have the power to let them take over or not.  All of the beauty and good days begin and end with me because I have the choice to let them in or not.  To quote a friend, "It's all about me these days."

Jara:  Reward
When we have gone through the list, there comes the reward for all of the hard work.  For all of the fine tuning of the self, there is the reward.  For all of the bad days endured, there is the reward.  The tricky thing is that the reward is ever changing as I am ever changing.  Every day, my reward is something different, and my goal is to find the reward every day.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Taking Chances

I don't really consider myself a chance-taking girl.  I like routine.  If my routine is messed up, I sort of crumble apart.  I'm not very spontaneous, usually, because of the aforementioned heart for routine.  The routine keeps all of my emotional baggage, history, and mental weirdness in check.  If I deviate from the routine, I don't know how to get back to it; and then, I freak out.

But lately, I've been taking chances all over the place.

In October, I took a huge chance by asking my husband if I could have his blessing to return to the local D/s scene despite the fact that he emphatically told me he didn't want to do so himself.  With his blessing, I took another chance and jumped back into the scene and went to a party.  I cried a lot at that party, but I went.  I did it.

Another chance has come my way, and I'm not really ready to share it.  It could be such a good thing for me, and I really want it to work out.  I'm afraid if I talk about it, I'll jinx it.  Suffice it to say that over the past month, I have been making preparations for a big chance that is coming up this Friday.  This is the sort of thing I didn't think I'd ever be capable of doing, but I'm doing it.  I'm TRUSTING - and that is the big issue.  I am trusting people outside of my core support group.

I even did it at the last party!  I trusted someone new, and I went to a new place.  I expanded my horizons; and all I had to do was to agree with the question I was asked.  "Do you want to do this?"  Well, sure!  And it was amazing, and wonderful, and lovely, and I hope they ask again.

So, here I am taking chances all over the place, learning new things about the world and myself, expanding my notion of trust, and, I think, sloughing off a little bit of the fear of abandonment.......because I am ok by myself.  I am enough on my own.

I'm good enough.  I'm strong enough.  And god dammit, people like me.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

I Sleep Alone

Yeah With Nobody Else. You know when I sleep alone, I prefer to be by myself.
{kudos to those of you who got the reference.}

One of these days I'm going to be the little old lady who sleeps alone in her own room.  Hub works third shift; so, I'm not accustomed to sleeping with him, which makes the weekends particularly difficult - even with frog.  However, this weekend, I have spent a significant amount of time SLEEPING with frog.

It is pretty awesome.

Friday, March 5, 2010


1.warmly or deeply appreciative of kindness or benefits received; thankful: I am grateful to you for your help.
2.expressing or actuated by gratitude: a grateful letter.
3.pleasing to the mind or senses; agreeable or welcome; refreshing: a grateful breeze.

You know I'm a word person, right?  So, when today's card came up, I immedately went to dictionary.com.  (The card was "I am grateful for...")  And I could take the easy way out and give you a list of 25 things I am grateful for, but things are just things.  Everything I have could burn down to the ground, and I would be alright.  Things are things.

This is going to blow your mind because it blew mine when I had the thought.

I am grateful for me.

I am filled with gratefulness for my own creation knowing I was created in this fashion for a purpose.  I am pleasing to myself, to my senses, to my spirit, to my mind.  I am welcome in and to myself.  Isn't that a turnaround from not so long ago?  I feel welcome to myself.  I feel grateful to myself because I have done a lot of hard work to get here.  I have gone through a lot to get to this position, but I put in a lot of work to get here.  I didn't just let it fall in my lap.  Did I need help?  Sure, but I recognized the need for help; and somehow, I managed to ask for it.

I am grateful for me.