A Meditation

A Survival Mediation
by Nathan Walker

breathing in
i am aware of my pain.
breathing out
i am aware that i am not my pain.

breathing in
i am aware of my past.
breathing out
i am aware that i am not my past.

breathing in
i am aware of my anger.
breathing out
i am aware that i am not my anger.

breathing in
i am aware of my despair.
breathing out
i am aware that i am not my despair.

breathing in
i am aware of peace.
breathing out
i am aware that i am worthy of peace.

breathing in
i am aware of love.
breathing out
i am aware that i am worthy of love.

breathing in
i am aware of joy.
breathing out
i am aware that i am an agent of joy.

breathing in
i am aware of hope.
breathing out
i am aware that i am an agent of hope.

breathing in
i am aware.

Grump

So. It snowed in Iowa yesterday. Fat, stick-to-your-window snow.

Bah humbug.

The Un-Me and The Me

It is always interesting to me how I, constantly, need to be reminded that What You Need; You Receive. This happens frequently in my life; and often, I begin receiving the messages before I have figured out why they're there.

Item #1: Coraline - The Game for Nintendo DS
If you've read the book, seen the movie, or played the game, you already understand the point of the storyline. If not, here's the five-cent version: Coraline finds an alternate reality in which there is "The Other Mother" and "The Other Father." It is then up to her to learn that the parents she had to begin with really aren't so bad.
The Fish Response: I really bought this game on a whim, but it elicited dreams of "The Un-Me" versus "The Me" for days and days. (more about this later...)

Item #2: Newsweek - In which I read the article about Kate and Marianne
At my job, I have to spend a lot of time waiting on the clock. So, I browse cnn.com, newsweek.com, and / or msnbc.com while waiting for the minutes to tick by. So, without actively PURSUING Kate and / or Marianne, I read an article about their message. I read the first article...the one without all of the pussy-footed re-writes.
The Fish Response: I started to question some things I'd held as true-beliefs from the article and the timing it used to show up in my life. I read this article on the same day as I saw that show "I Want to Save Your Life."

Item #3: Lessons From The Fat-O-Sphere
On Friday night, I was dragging The Hub here and there, and I had a coupon for Borders. I hadn't intended to "rush right out" to buy this book, but I was going to give it a read eventually. (I think it JUST came out?) But I had a coupon; and after browsing the store for a few laps, I hadn't picked up anything else that blew my skirt up. So, we went home together.
The Fish Reponse: I had been poking around the respective blogs for a few days, and I could already feel some things resonating with me. I didn't rush right home and read the book, but it made it into my list of things to do today.

"What's the point, fish?"

I was giving my girl a bath when I started to realize that everything comes together under grand design. The Un Me...the concept of acceptance...the discontent I feel with society (that I felt before but for a different reason)...AND I've already taken my meds for tonight; so, this might wander around a bit.

For as long as I can remember, there have been two versions of me. There has been the reality version of me who goes to work, went to school, makes really good meatloaf, and has been known to whine and / or shrill at a moment's notice. But then....then there is the imagination me...the me that can shift into whatever look/feel/attitude that is appropriate for the current scenario dancing around in my head...The imagination me (notice that I did not say imaginARY me)...can fight vampires...looks great in leather pants...sometimes has wings...sometimes has been known to saucy right up to the good-looking guy for a kiss...The imagination me has all of my intellect, my stamina, my life lessons, my ten-pack imagination BOOM - and (this is the really important part) none of my fears. Imagination Me has been living inside of my head since I was a teenager. She's gone from stick thin with fake boobs to more natural, earthen in tone, and believable in shape. Imagination Me is H-O-T, but she looks MORE LIKE ME than she ever did in years past.

And lately, I've been starting to wonder why Imagination Me and Regular-Duty Me can't get together for some one-on-one party time. Let's do some Vulcan Mind Meld and merger our butts off. And you know what? I'm fairly certain that is the lesson I've been seeking.

Acceptance. Fat acceptance. Bisexuality acceptance. You're a kinky bastard and that's ok acceptance. Broken home acceptance. Broken body acceptance. Just general, all-around acceptance. This is how it is, and this is o-tay. Bring the Imagination Me and the Me Me together for some chattin' time so we can get down to some business.

I think this new co-existance is going to bring with it new ...rules...behaviors...new regulations for conduct....but I'm finally at a point in time when I am totally ok with that. It feels familiar...like I'm sinking into myself the way I used to after flying....but it's all me, man. I'm buzzing. I'm sizzling. I'm electric like lightning. I feel creative, seductive, evocative, and hard-foul mouthed. I feel brazen and sweet. I feel like a mommy and a darling sex toy. And you know what? That's just what happens when the outer edges of me meet the outer edges of the Imagination Me. Get us all the way together?

Rock.It.Out.

I'm coming, baby....just be a little patient...but I'm on the way...

Things from today...

I really have to find a way to tell my husband how much I appreciate him...often...

"You are your body." I am so in love with that right now.

Epona = Best.Dog.Ever.

Sometimes, it only takes a little thing to break the cycle of a big thing. Its all about the little things.

Did you know that I love you? I do.
(Now, doesn't that feel nice?)

IWTSYL

So, I saw this show on TV last night called "I Want to Save Your Life." I'm not linking it because I don't want the "thems" to know that I'm about to totally blast their idea.

Ok - the idea for the show is the "Diet Detective" ferrets out a person's bad habits, helps them overcome their fat-ness, and makes merry all over the place. The Diet Detective is a formerly fat person who is now thin, and he wants to "save your life" by making you thin, too. My curiosity was piqued; so, I watched. Today, I wanted to know more about said Diet Detective; so, I googled.

Two things:

1. Y'all, I was smacked in the face by Mr. Diet Detective's COMMERCIALISM. I didn't, for one second, believe that he really wanted to save my life. I did, however, believe that he wanted to
sell me a book. The mass capitalization of the fear of fat is really starting to bug me. When did we go from "Roman-esque" to just flabby and fat? Every single time I try to force myself into something thin, my Higher Power smacks me upside the head with a visualization of the
Venus of Willendorf - BECAUSE SHE LOOKS LIKE ME. Hips like you wouldn't believe? You betch'er ass I got 'em. Ask frog. So lately, I've been thinking that maybe it isn't my concept of thin vs. fat; maybe it is my concept of me vs. the "thems."

2. (And this is where the Melly-mentality really veers from what might be considered sane...but it is my thought process...) You want to save MY life? Why? Just because I'm a big girl? What if I'm an axe murderer? Do you still want to save my life? Are you basing your life-saving choices ONLY on the fat factor? If the only criteria is fat-ness, what do you do later on when you find out that the guy you're praising for losing one hundred pounds also has a history of beating his wife? Or is a pedophile? You don't know me from Adam, but you want to save my life? Really? Are you sure? What makes you so invested in my life that you want to save it from the great, evil fat? Furthermore, maybe I don't WANT you to be THAT invested in me?

So, IWTSYL didn't snare me. More than anything, it bugged me. Burr-under-my-skin type irritation. At first, I didn't know why I was so irritated; but slowly, the concepts began to dawn on me. I know that I'm struggling with the conflicting visions of myself, but I want
to be accepted - by myself first and foremost - no matter what. Media that downs me because of my size isn't helpful. So, nix it! (you bastard tv makers, you...)

BlogHer '09

So....I just found out that BlogHer '09 is in CHICAGO.

I could totally drive!

OMG I MIGHT GO!

Why do you hafta go and be so....irritated?

I was going to do a RTT post today, but there have been so many freaking irritations today that I felt compelled to comment upon them.

• If you are the person who has a desk reference, a dictionary, and a medical terminology dictationary at your desk but you still have to ask someone about how to spell a word because you're too lazy to look it up, you irritate me.
• If you make my friend cry, you irritate me.
• If you are the maker of an electronic gadget that I love and breaks within a month, you irritate me.
• If you are the freaking printer that runs out of paper just before printing the last goddamn page, you irritate me.
• If you are a hypochondriac germaphobe who can't stop talking about swine flu, you irritate me.
• If you are the guy driving that silver van who cut me off just to get to the red light faster than me today, you irritate me, too.
• If you're the only cashier at the front of the store, you irritate me on principle.
• If you work at the pharmacy that cancelled my prescription instead of filling it, for reasons as yet unknown, you irritate me by association.
• If you owe me money, which you know you do, and you haven't sent it yet, you irritate the shit out of me because that's just wrong.
• If you're too chicken to agree with me publicly but make a big to-do about agreeing with me in private where nobody can see, you irritate me.
• If you cannot take constructive criticism about something I am trained to do (and you are not yet) without getting an attitude, you irritate me.

I'm irritated today; can you tell?

Have you ever wondered?

Have you ever wondered WHY we tell people things? And when I say we, I mean all of the short-tempered, snarky, and yet challengingly smart people of the world. WHY, why, why do we waste our time, breath, or characters on these people? You know, my favorite comedien is Bill Ingvall (sp?), and I like him because he points out stupidity. Here's a few...

The other day, Hub and I were in our local Wal-Mart because that's where we always are. We are walking down the aisle towards the cash registers with our 50-pound bag of catfood when we, simultaneously, spot one of these "are you kidding me?" people. She couldn't have been more than 50 years old, but she was sporting a tracheostomy hole, a portable oxygen tank complete with nasal cannula, and AN E-FREAKING-CIGARETTE. Have you seen these new things? Smokeless smokes. So, at some point, her doctor told her that she was going to wear a hole in her neck for the rest of her life, speak like a gremlin, and probably die a slow, painful, drowning death from emphysema; and yet, she couldn't bring herself to stop smoking. Really? If I was that woman's doctor, I think I'd have saved my nickel for the next patient who might have given a shit about his / her health?

I have been preparing to go on vacation since the end of last week. I don't take vacation often partially because I don't like the way other people do my worn and partially because I didn't have the vacation time to do it. (Lots of health problems.) So, I do a lot of DETAIL work, and I've been sending out preparatory emails with all the damn details. Yet, today, I've fielded all SORTS of questions about 'what do I do when...," "when are you leaving," and "do i need to do this?" Really? Did you NOT read the freaking page-long email I sent out with all the details INCLUDED? Seriously? I think I'm going to stop answering questions that I've already answered. "Fish is no longer taking questions. Please refer to handout."

This is my favorite:

When I brought Epona home, Hub was all about not liking her. Told me that she was my dog. It was my responsibility to feed her, water her, train her, potty train her, etc. I'm not lying when I say that I became the Alpha Dog in my family quicklikeamofo. So, Epona is a year old now, and she knows her shit. She is a smart dog, and she picks up on training cues very quickly. (If you follow me at all, you've seen oodles of my doodle.) (Heh. That was cute.) Anyways, so she can sit, speak, jump up, all of that. She can also come on command (and not in the dirty way, you freaks). So, last night, we're lying in bed watching some man-opera (WWE wrestling), and I got up to let the dog out. Hub was the next one up; so, he went to let her back in. Do you remember that porch game I talked about before? Yeah, she plays this w/ hub more than she does me. He hollers for her to come inside, and she lies down. So, he pokes his head around the corner and says, "Honey, call your dog." I bellow out for that girl to come to me, and here she comes running. Hub lays down beside me in bed; and with a hearty sigh, says, "She's your dog. *sigh*" AGAIN, this morning, she's outside doing her best to look cute in the iris bed. Hub tries to lure her inside with a cookie, I bellow, she comes running. And again I get, "She's your dog." REALLY? For a year you were all about not being about the dog; and now that she's all cute and lovey on me, you want a damn dog of your own? REALLY?

She is my dog. And I'm not sharing. Dammit.

4/7/09

So, while I'm trying to drum up some gumption to work, I thought I'd try to knock out an update since I haven't since...March...It is highly unlikely that I'll remember everything that has gone on recently, but I'll do my best to give a well-rounded depiction of the fish bowl.

Ok so first...I had a birthday...I turned 29 on April 1. I spent about a week before my birthday sort of grieving it because I knew this would be the first birthday I've ever had (ever, ever, ever) that I wasn't going to talk to my mom. (We're not speaking. At all.) I knew she wasn't going to put down her grudge to call me on my birthday; and even though I didn't want it to bother me, it bothered me. And I worried about it because I didn't want to be the jerk who received 19 great things and focuses on the 1 bad thing in the group. So I was concerned I was going to be a mopey jerk all day long. It turned out, though, that I didn't have *time* to worry about anything that day because even that whole week turned out to be super busy. My birthday was on a Wednesday. On Monday, Ted chartered me around for errands after work. On Tuesday, I went to a party with my friend, Jamie. On Wednesday, I was busy all day long at work with people wishing me happy birthday, getting presents, etc. After work on Wednesday, Jamie made me and hub a birthday supper. I was on the phone practically all week with people calling me to say happy birthday. So, it was a really ...uplifting experience.

I do have a couple of photos, but the modem at my house went down. So, I haven't been able to get online at home since last week. Apparently, they just go out because Qwest told us they "go bad" frequently. Whatever. It was under warranty; so, they sent us a new one. (The new one is prettier anyway.) I got that set up last night; so, I will be able to post photos soon.

In health news, I started methotrexate a couple of weeks ago; and I swear, it's fish speed. Once I take my dose on Monday night, I'm zooming through the rest of the week. By Saturday, though, I think it has worn off because I'm usually pretty tired on the weekends. I haven't missed a single day of work in months, though. *super flex* To some people, that may seem like a silly thing to get happy about, but I have a storied history with getting to work every day. My migraines have been cropping back up, but I do what I can. I think I have pretty much accepted that I'm going to hurt, in some capacity, every day. I just have to cope as best I can. I'm back in therapy now with a therapist who deals with patients with chronic pain so I can learn better coping skills (as opposed to "escapist" skills). So, there we go. The only thing I'm not thrilled about is that I now have to have monthly blood draws because of the methotrexate. Good thing I'm not afraid of needles.

Speaking of needles...I have to say that I'm not thrilled about the ink shops here in Davenport. I've been to two; and at both places, I wasn't treated very well. The front desk chick at one place downed on me because I wanted to get some stars...like it was too girly to get a freaking star; and at the other place, the guy wouldn't do what I asked for because "nobody here in our shop will do that unless you're at least 30 years old and work in a factory..." WTF? If I'm paying for your time, what do you care where I put my ink? Furthermore, who are you to tell me I can't put something on a certain place on my body when you're covered - head to toe - with ink all over? I got the impression from both places that because I didn't fit the mold (read: skinny blonde girl), they didn't want to give me their time. PFFT! It is unfortunate for both of their places of business because when I find an artist I like, I'm going to bring repeat business. I have a lot of ideas, and I'm prepared to keep going until I run out of them. I've been recommended to a shop in Rock Island, but I haven't gotten over there to check it out yet.

...that's all I can think of right now.

30 songs

Ok...so...I was reading a little Jennsylvania, and I thought this was a cute idea. The notion is to provide 30 random songs from your ipod; but since i don't have an ipod, you get 30 random songs from my Sansa! For joy! (And I'm totally going to number the list to keep track because I have 3+ hours left at work to get this bitch out. Woo!)

1. Sir-Mix-A-Lot / Baby Got Back. This song makes me bouncy. I think it is because I got back. :)
2. Carole King / Smackwater Jack. I actually have this on my Sansa twice - once in "full color" and once in acoustic. I can't not sing when this song comes on, loud and in full force.
3. Kajagoogoo / Too Shy. What can I say? I'm a child of the 80's. I was listening to random stuff in utero. In other random tidbits, this song has been stuck in my head all morning.
4. Sarah Maclachlan / Adia. I still never know if I've spelled the woman's name right; but when I discovered her voice, I was atwitter. This particular song helps me find a still place.
5. George Michael / Father Figure. I heart me some George Michael - even some WHAM! And I love, love, love the new Seether cover. WHAM!
6. Aerosmith / Young Lust. I have been an Aero-fan since I first knew what music was. This is one of my all-time favorites.
7. Prince & the NPG / 7. I heart me some Prince. Tiny little guy with ten-ton sex drive? BRING IT. Belly dancing girl with a sword on her head? LOVE IT. (Isn't it fortunate that I thought of this one at 7?)
8. Matchbox Twenty / 3AM. Don't care what you say. I dig the Rob Thomas.
9. No Doubt / Just A Girl. I didn't like this song when it came out (I was in high school at the time, and it was ALL the rage...I think I was trying to rebel). It has grown on me through the years, though; and now, I rock it out all loud. (In my head, though, when I'm at work.)
10. Tears for Fears / Sewings the Seeds of Love. I still love this song. Couldjabe couldjabe squeaky clean?
11. Salt n Pepa / Let's Talk About Sex. I can't hear this song without thinking about the first time I saw a condom, which was in elementary school behind the kindergarten building.
12. Cyndi Lauper / Time After Time. My husband LOVES this song. I like it more because of his affection for it. He will get all girly and sing it every single time.
13. Dixie Chicks / Landslide. I've got to say: I almost like this version better than the original. The instruments lend themselves very well to the song.
14. En Vogue / Never Gonna Get It. When I was in the sixth grade, my clique devised a dance routine to this song. It was the "it" thing to do. Of course, I cannot dance; and thus, I was the radio button pusher. Fun.
15. Marilyn Manson / Personal Jesus. I cannot hide from the fact that I am a MM fan. Beautiful People blew my mind when I was a senior in high school. And I STILL harbor the fantasy of going to a MM concert decked out in full pink regalia.
16. Wyclef Jean / Bullet in Your Bubble Goose. Seriously? South Park. That's all.
17. Beastie Boys / Brass Monkey. This is a wiggler-song. It makes me feel like wiggling. hehehehe.
18. Tom Petty / Don't Come Around Here No More. All I remember about this song from when I was younger is the video with the Alice-cake. Do you remember that? They ate the Alice!
19. Poison / Ride the Wind. I remember that in sixth grade, my music tastes started to vary drastically from those of my friends. My mom introduced me to Lynyrd Skynyrd, Bob Segar, and Queen while my friends were listening to "I Wanna Sex You Up." Thus, my hairband tastes started pretty early.
20. Culture Club / Karma Chameleon. Karmakarmakarmakarma karma chameleonnnnnnnnnnnn.
21. Faith No More / Falling to Pieces. I love me some Faith no More. I think this is my favorite song of theirs.
22. Dexy's Midnight Runners / Come On Eileen. Too-ra-loo-rah-eh! I loved this song in high school. Still kinda gets me all dance-y.
23. Gavin DeGraw / I Don't Want to Be. I heard this on Ellen. Dug it!
24. George Clinton / Atomic Dog. Our unofficial class song, when I was a senior in high school, was Atomic Dog. I'd never heard of George Clinton before that, but I fell in lo-ove with the song. (Our high school mascot was a pointer.) A-tom-ic do-oo-og.
25. OutKast / The Way You Move. I have to admit: I like the rapper better than Andre. This is a wiggler song, too.
26. Rob Zombie / Pussy Liquor. WARNING TMI! The first time I heard this song, I almost had the big-O right at my desk. This is actually a pretty creepy song (about murderers and stuff), but I totally heart the way his voice sounds in it.
27. GNR / You Could Be Mine. This is one of the only Axl songs I like. Otherwise, he sounds whiney. I read the other day that Axl thinks Slash is a "cancer." PFFT. Slash made that band, man!
28. 311 / All Mixed Up. Another high school band. I remember when I first saw this video, and the guy had bright yellow hair! I like the mellow tone to this, though.
29. Melissa Etheridge / You Can Sleep While I Drive. ME is one of my favorite artists, and I have followed her career since my dad gave me (ahem, I stole) her first cassette. This is one of my favorite tracks of hers, and I can't ever listen to it without thinking of Storm.
30. Blackeyed Peas / Where Is the Love? I remember when the Peas didn't have a choral singer. Still, I like Fergie. I like the pinocchio rap at the end of this, too.

Jen, if you do read this, IT TOOK FOREVER. It's 5PM, I'm going home now.

Miscellany

Ok...I'm feeling verbose today; so, there may be more than one blog entry. Here's a few things.

First, Tejas.
I really ..am struggling to feel sorry for people in Texas right now. Ask me why. C'mon, really. Ask me why.

#1: If they tell you to get the hell out of the path of the hurricane and you don't? I hope you drown. I am not a nice person; and if you can't follow directions, it's survival of the fittest, baby.
#2: If you live in a state that has nothing but sand, cactus plants, and bugs that cannot seriously be identified as bugs due to their size, you should seriously consider moving.

To say I have a serious dislike of Texas is a drastic understatement. I do not like Tejas, which is not to say that I do not like people from Texas, Mexico, or Mexicans. It's all about perspective, people. I do not like some Texans, some parts of Mexico, and some Mexicans. The majority of Texas, though? Can just drop off into the ocean for all I car. Buh-bye. Just like California. Buh-bye. We don't have a use for you and your big-ass bugs any more.

Second, my crazy husband.
My husband was doing a really great thing for his dad. He was going to go pick him up, take him to his MD appt., and take him home. So, he got out of bed this morning, brought me breakfast IN BED, took care of the pup, and got all ready to go. We left the house at the same time. I headed to work; Hub headed to Muscatine. About 9:30 AM, I get a phone call. Yeah, my husband went all the way to Muscatine...and the appointment is TOMORROW.

Third, my cursing.
I've discovered that I cuss a LOT lately. What's that about? There's really no need for that, is there? It doesn't really get the point that much more across, does it? There are some curse words that are acceptable to me in common language (hell...ass...damn...those are pretty common), but then the others...those are kind of pushing it, don't you think? (I just realized I'm going to have to move some diary entries over from OD so my parentheses make sense...hmm..maybe I'll do that now.)

Look at me pausing here because I've gotten side-tracked...

Big Bang

So, they turned on the Big-Bang machine...you know, the machine that is supposed to create the flash of the universe right before it was the universe - only in a controlled manner? Somehow, it seems farfetched to me that any manner of scientist - or even a group of bright minds - can create the big bang in a CONTROLLED way...much less over and over again. Yeah, they want to do it again and again and again...Can you imagine that?

Scientist 1: Oh shit, we only got a little bang. FIRE IT UP AGAIN!
Scientist 2: Hold on, dammit, the switch is stuck.

Or..

Scientist 1: Are there...*squints*...floaty things in the bang goo?
Scientist 2: I donno...FIRE IT AGAIN!

Somehow, this machine completely reminds me of the game Spore, which I would really like to get. I am all about making myself some little alien critters right now.

In other randomness, I ate too much cauliflower this morning, and I think I'm going to blow up. On top of that, I had a banana. Now, I'm gassy with banana-flavored cauliflower. *burp* Also, I have to get rid of these shoes because they smell -really- bad.

I'm going to a training conference thing this weekend (for my Lia Sophia business), and I'm really excited. However, this will be the first time I've been away from Epona (my dog - Collie-Eskimo mix, five months old) for more than a few hours since we brought her home. =(

9/8/08

I can't freaking figure out where I want to be. First, I was here. Then, I was on OD. Then, I was on my website, which I can't access from work. Every time I make a change in my head, I feel I have to change where I'm at. Maybe I'll stay here; maybe I won't. Who knows.

It looks super cute, though, doesn't it?