So, trust is a big issue with me. Even within my sphere of closest loved ones, trust is a big issue with me. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm always waiting for the abandonment. (Yes, I'm in therapy.) So, when I choose to show trust to someone, it is a struggle because how they react determines if I'll show trust to them again in the future and / or how much trust I will show to them in the future. I chose to show trust to two people on Saturday night - people I love, and people I already have trusted in the past. But this was a new trust, an unfamiliar territory kind of trust. And they didn't let me down. Thanks guys. Love you.
I haven't been taking very good care of myself lately. It started around Thanksgiving and has lasted through the entire Christian holiday season. I have been drinking gallons of Diet Dr. Pepper, eating hoardes of chocolate, and sleeping like a hibernating bear. The effects are beginning to show: on my body, on my psyche, on my emotional wellbeing. I don't make New Year's resolutions because I don't celebrate the New Year in January, but I do recognize that there are some things I need to do to help take better care of my body:
- Drink less pop. I've already had one less today than I had yesterday. Progress.
- Drink more water.
- Eat less chocolate. This one couples with check my blood sugar more often with the nifty new blood sugar meter mooky sent to me, which I have to figure out how to use...
- Nap. It is apparent to me and my fibromyalgia that naps help me function. An after-work nap makes the evening go much smoother. Anything beyond two hours, though, no longer qualifies as a nap and is qualified as sleep. Set an alarm.
- Move. I haven't been moving very much lately; and with this cold, it is hard to get my joints to cooperate, but movement is really important to my health. I'm going to start getting back into my yogalates; and when I can kick the dog out of the house long enough to use the treadmill again, I will start walking again.
The problem is this: it is easy to SAY "Yes, I'm going to do all of this stuff"; but when it comes time to do everything, I fall short. Always. I lack motivation. I think it is tied directly to my lack of self worth - I don't feel that I deserve to be happy, healthy, or anything. Why is that? I, often, feel that I don't deserve to be here. Why?
Mooky says: I recognize that there are people in my past that have influenced my life choices; but ultimately, I am in control. I wonder if she will let me steal that for my mantra.