Tuesday, January 5, 2010


Sometimes, you just need to be touched. No matter how hard or soft, you just need to be touched.

So, trust is a big issue with me. Even within my sphere of closest loved ones, trust is a big issue with me. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm always waiting for the abandonment. (Yes, I'm in therapy.) So, when I choose to show trust to someone, it is a struggle because how they react determines if I'll show trust to them again in the future and / or how much trust I will show to them in the future. I chose to show trust to two people on Saturday night - people I love, and people I already have trusted in the past. But this was a new trust, an unfamiliar territory kind of trust. And they didn't let me down. Thanks guys. Love you.

I haven't been taking very good care of myself lately. It started around Thanksgiving and has lasted through the entire Christian holiday season. I have been drinking gallons of Diet Dr. Pepper, eating hoardes of chocolate, and sleeping like a hibernating bear. The effects are beginning to show: on my body, on my psyche, on my emotional wellbeing. I don't make New Year's resolutions because I don't celebrate the New Year in January, but I do recognize that there are some things I need to do to help take better care of my body:
  1. Drink less pop. I've already had one less today than I had yesterday. Progress.
  2. Drink more water.
  3. Eat less chocolate. This one couples with check my blood sugar more often with the nifty new blood sugar meter mooky sent to me, which I have to figure out how to use...
  4. Nap. It is apparent to me and my fibromyalgia that naps help me function. An after-work nap makes the evening go much smoother. Anything beyond two hours, though, no longer qualifies as a nap and is qualified as sleep. Set an alarm.
  5. Move. I haven't been moving very much lately; and with this cold, it is hard to get my joints to cooperate, but movement is really important to my health. I'm going to start getting back into my yogalates; and when I can kick the dog out of the house long enough to use the treadmill again, I will start walking again.

The problem is this: it is easy to SAY "Yes, I'm going to do all of this stuff"; but when it comes time to do everything, I fall short. Always. I lack motivation. I think it is tied directly to my lack of self worth - I don't feel that I deserve to be happy, healthy, or anything. Why is that? I, often, feel that I don't deserve to be here. Why?

Mooky says: I recognize that there are people in my past that have influenced my life choices; but ultimately, I am in control. I wonder if she will let me steal that for my mantra.

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