Tuesday, September 16, 2008


[Post moved from OD]

A long time ago, my therapist asked me to make a chart / list for her of the "personalities" I felt I broke down into. They haven't really changed in all of these years; but as I think about it now, it is possible that there may be a new one or two added to the mix. The dominant personalities, though, haven't ever changed.

Melly - For lack of having a "theme" name, this is THE dominant personality. This is the personality that pretty much everyone gets to interact with on a daily basis. This is the most integrated part of me - the part of me that I've been able to reclaim and put back together the most. When I'm calm, this is the part of me that I retreat to. I suppose you could say that the other parts of me orbit around this one because I can't really get them back into the whole yet.

Mother - This is the part of me that is the problem solver. This is also the part of me that is the clone, the conformer, and the silent part. When I close my eyes, I see Mother as a fifties housewife. Perfect clothes, perfect hairdo, perfect makeup. Mother will always make herself into whatever she believes the world wants her to be. I don't even realize when she comes up to the surface anymore because ...well, because it's easier to believe, I think, that you're making yourself better for someone to love you more than you're making yourself into something you're not because you're afraid of losing someone's love.

Lily - Lily is the child part of my personality fractured off from the rest of me. I'm not entirely sure where the name came from as she's the only personality with an actual NAME instead of a "theme." She said her name was Lily, though, so her name is Lily. Lily is very quiet, and she blends into the background of things incredibly well. She believes that if she isn't seen, she won't be touched. Lily loves playtime, though, but it is hard for her to go from playtime into serious time. Lily likes to go to Toys R Us. She likes to color, and she likes bath time with Daddy. (Daddy = Hub.) But ever since Daddy took another little girl, there's no more bath time; so, Lily feels abandoned all over again, and she stays in the corner of the head-room and doesn't talk much. She comes out every now and then, and I can hear her voice sometimes.

Butch - I used to have a particular personality named Butch, the fighter. Now, though, Ms. Butch is more of my smart-ass. She is the personality with whom I converse when I need to converse. Since Mother cannot be counted upon to play devil's advocate or to hold a decent conversation when revelations need to be had, Ms. Butch had stepped in to fill this role nicely. She used to fight with anybody and everybody, but there is a lot less fighting in my world these days. So, she's sort of taken the sarcastic, smart-ass but still pretty smart and intellectual able to have a really good conversation role, which is still really weird because I'm totally talking to myself. *sigh*

The Animal - This is the addition to my little group that wasn't there when I made the original list for my therapist. In the head-room, in the opposite corner from Lily, there's a little black cage; and inside of that cage, is the animal-woman. For all intents and purposes, she IS a woman - full figured, arms, legs, head, no fur, etc. What makes her an animal is the fact that she doesn't speak, she simply watches the rest of them interact with her glossy eyes. When she moves, it is fluid, stalking. She craves that hunting feeling. When I'm in the midst of "meat" mode (Frog has seen it), that is the Animal. When I'm in blood lust, that is the Animal. She so very rarely makes an appearance any more that I often forget how strong she is, but she's still there.

So, if you can picture it, they all hang out in a room together (what I call the head-room) kind of like the version of hell in Les Mouches (did I spell that right?). For the most part, they all get along because they understand where their freak outs come from, but they do fight - and that is some weirdness right there, let me tell you. And their freak outs lend themselves to my surface freak outs. Their fears lend themselves to my surface fears. Sometimes, I wish that others knew them better so they could be more easily recognized. It would be easier, I think, if someone could say to me, "That isn't your fear, Melly, that's Mother's." Because then, I could analyze that and see that Mother's fear isn't necessarily the best thing for the whole of me. Or Lily's fear might keep us pinned into a corner whereas if we forge together as whole, we might get past it.

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