Wednesday, June 9, 2010

The Epic Battle

I feel like I am in the middle of a war zone.  On one side, we have the fat acceptance community, which tells its members to accept the body they have and simply get on with living life.  On the other side, there is the fact that I am heavier now than I've ever been screaming in my ear.
To tell you the truth, I feel disheartened.  I feel ashamed.  I feel stupid.  And I can't decide, once and for all, which side of the war I am on.  I was pretty ok with my body until it started impacting daily activities; then, there was a massive freak-out.  I want to love and accept myself for who I am, but how I look really affects me.  And I feel shallow for that, which makes me feel guilty, too.  It is a whole cart-load of negative right at my feet.
And since we're being honest about it, I wish it were easier.  I wish it didn't weigh (no pun intended) on me every day.  I know that I can make the changes I want to see in my life, but I also know they are a long ways off...and I'm not the best on patience.  Sometimes, I dive on into that cart-load of bullshit just because it is easier to wallow than to work.  But I don't want to live like this forever; and if I'm going to do something, it might as well be now rather than six months from now.  Who knows what I could accomplish in those six months?
So, I'm doing the best I can with the hand I've been dealt.  I'm making changes as I go along and coming to understand things as I go along.  I'm trying to be patient, I'm trying to LEARN patience, and I'm trying to practice patience with myself.  I know that not every day will be perfect, but I hope that most days will be better than others.

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