Monday, February 2, 2009

Letting Go / Perfectionism

It has been a strange time for me lately. Everything that is coming into my life has been geared towards, or revolving around, letting go of control. I am a perfectionist; I know this to be true, and I know that my perfectionism stems from my fears and anxiety. A little bit of perfectionism is ok; letting it run rampant through your life is not ok. So, once I recognized this little bit of wisdom, the Higher Powers kick in and say, "Wow! You're finally ready for this lesson! Just to be sure, though, we're going to hit you over the head with it until we're absolutely certain you've got it!"

Yes, thank you. I have it now.

Letting go of control isn't something that comes easily to me, but it is something I'm doing in my life a LOT recently. I've let go of trying to figure out how to do what is expected of me instead of what is best for me. I've let go of trying to make sure everyone has a high opinion of me. I've let go of trying to figure out how to fix it, make it better when all I can really do is BE. I've even let go of trying to talk my way around it because, just like they say, silence is golden. In the aftermath of all of this letting go, I've stumbled into a pretty calm place. Somehow, I have managed to grow a little bit more into myself and mature a little bit further. There is a difference between growing older and growing more mature. In the span of a little more than a week, I have learned a LOT.

I have learned that I don't have to please my family members anymore. This was a hard one for me because I kept hoping, praying, and wishing that I would, one day, have the kind of family that was supportive, nurturing, and caring. Letting go of that wish, I realized that I don't need them to like me, I don't need them to have a high opinion of me, and I don't need them to accept me. I have learned to make peace with who I am without them. I will never have that kind of family; it is up to me to create the things I long for in my own life.

I have learned that I don't have to fix every situation. I don't have to make it better or find a solution. Sometimes, the only thing I'm meant to do is be there, listen, and / or be available. It isn't my burden to fix the world's problems. It isn't even my burden to fix all of the problems my loved ones have. This was difficult for me to learn because I'm a problem-solver; I'm a fix-er by nature. The HP figured out how to break me loose of this, though, by confronting me with a situation I couldn't fix. In helplessness, I found empowerment because I could SEE that I wasn't meant to fix it. I wasn't being asked to fix it. I was only being asked for love and support, and I have that by the truckload.

I have learned to keep my mouth shut. In the not-too-distant past, I had the problem of telling everybody everything. I really had a hard time keeping things to myself because I didn't know the difference between privacy and secrets. This has really turned around for me, though, because I keep a lot to myself now - especially at work. When I found out that my boss told my co-workers about my uncle's death, I was extremely upset because I didn't feel they needed to know the details, and I was surprised by that because I'd have blabbed it all over creation before. Now, though, I realize the value of confiding in someone because you choose to do so rather than because you can't keep your lips together. I realize the value of trust, mutual respect, and friendship. It takes time to build friendships in which you can trust someone enough to tell them the details of your life.

I have learned that even when I let go, I will be caught, cushioned, and / or supported. I think that for the first time in my life, I really SEE the value of my loved ones. I see how much they support me, and I am amazed. I am humbled by the amount of love that crosses into and out of my life every day. I have learned that I don't have to do everything alone because there is always someone available and willing to do it with me. I have learned that I can ask for help because there is always someone ready to help me. This is probably the most simple thing, but it astounds me when I think about it.

And now that I think about it, I DO have the family I always wished for - I just built them, member by member, instead of being born into the mix.

My cup runneth over.

1 comment:

  1. This made me cry... It's a beautiful entry... I love you very, very much chicky...