One day soon, my posts will go back to the lighter nature, but I'm struggling with this now...
To say that I have trust issues is a major "duh" statment. I think about this a lot because I'm somewhere lost in the middle, and I don't know which way to go. I have only recently fully come to understand the extent to which my former Dominant went to replace me. Same collar. Same tag. Same line. "Owned and Loved." He took everything that was mine in that world and painted it over her.
Now, though, right in this moment, I don't know if I feel bad for me or for her. Because while I lost everything, she was nearly re-formed into something she was not. Someone she was not. Let's not even say nearly. He took everything I had become, everything he shared with me, and simply stuck it over her completely.
I have two minds about this:
1. Property doesn't have a say in where it goes, what happens to it, etc. These feelings shouldn't linger because it was understood, in the beginning, that the determination of outcomes was never mind.
2. Why wasn't I good enough? Why couldn't he see me for the really good submissive I was?
I have carried this for years. I still carry it because I don't know how to shed it. I have a massive distrust of anyone of the dominant persuasion even though I still function as a submissive personality. I don't know how to let go of that hurt. I don't know how to reconcile that past with this present. I don't know how to let bygones be bygones because I was so completely broken down by it. I see that I am still hurt by it, and I see the residuals from it, but I don't know how to let it go.
The question that most often lingers in my mind is this: Does he even have any idea what he did? Does he have any idea how hurt I was? Does he know how I continue to carry this around?
There are clues to it all around my house - still. I don't begrudge him his trinkets, but they are difficult for me to see. I had to give up that life in order to keep a promise I made before we launched that endeavor. For a long time, I felt guilty because he gave it up, too; but now I see that I had to give it up, too. And first. But as with so many other hurts, I simply see them and swallow it down. It seems there is no reason to give voice to the pain because it doesn't get me anywhere. I'm not looking for a fight - only resolution. I want to let go of this trust issue. I want to let go of this pain and feeling of being fractured. I want to know if I am steadily on one side or the other so that maybe, one day, I can have those desires met.
I want to know which way to go...and I want to be able to trust someone if they offer me a solution...