Thursday, February 11, 2010

A few things...

  1. No
  2. Asking and receiving
  3. Martyr-fish
I had to make myself a list because I didn't want to forget the things I wanted to explore today.  (It is already a slow day.)  Ok, so here we go...

Everywhere, all over the world, there are people asking for things they just cannot have.  We are taught this from an early age.  No, you can't have that cupcake.  No, you can't have that toy.  Personally, I was taught that I couldn't have suchandsuch because I had done something wrong.  Don't get me wrong, sometimes no was just no, but I recall many a situation that no was because I had been "bad", I cried during the wrong time, or I said something my untreated bipolar mother didn't enjoy.  I learned to internalize no.  I'm trying not to jump to number four here, but I really did inherit the belief that "no" meant something was wrong with me.  It was my fault somehow, and I should feel guilty.  It has never crossed my mind that "no" might mean anything other than that.  When Hub told me he didn't want to go back to our D/s community, I immediately thought of all the things that were wrong with me.  Immediately.  Like in the time it took for a heart to beat, I had a list ready to go.  His "no" meant I was unworthy.  This happened to me recently, too.  Frog told me no for something, and I immediately was wallowing in unworthiness.  It was my fault.  I hadn't been good enough (even though I had done everything she'd asked me to do).  So, I have turned "no" into my own personal form of self-torture, and I'm really not happy with that anymore.  So, starting today, no is just no.  I don't need a reason for it.  I don't need a history behind it.  No is just no.  It is just a word.  It doesn't mean anything is wrong with me.  It doesn't mean I've been bad somehow.  It just is.  No does not define me as a person.

Onto the next....asking and receiving.  I always feel bad about asking for things because of the no issue.  What if they say no?  Then, I would be on this tremendous trip in my head, and everything would be out of whack.  So, I taught myself that it was better to not ask.  In a D/s sense, I even taught myself that it was not a slave's position to ask.  But that's really not the way things work, and I'm trying really hard to re-teach myself that.  So, here are a few reminders for me:
  • People cannot read your mind.
  • People cannot read your body language.
  • If you don't say anything, nobody will ever know what you are thinking, what you want, or what you need.
  • If you were dying, you'd ask for that piece of cloth to cover your wound.  Think of all situations like that.  What if this might be the last time I get to do such and such?
All of this leads back to martyr-fish.  I'm still struggling with her because she just does not want to let go of me.  She's had such a tight grip on me for so long, she thinks that she is entitled to all of me.  But she doesn't make me happy, and I'm really ready to move on.  I'm ready to make some new connections.  I'm ready to ask and be fulfilled.  I really am ready for new experiences because I've already had all of these over and over again.

Somebody lend me a crowbar so I can get this bitch off my back?

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