Monday, February 1, 2010

The Slave Heart

Also known as:
  • The submissive heart
  • The service-guided heart
It isn't something you can get away from.  You either have one or you don't.  I've been running from mine for five years.  Here's the thing:

I haz one.

I have had one for as long as I can remember.  When I do things for Ted, even though he is not my "dominant", I am fulfilling my service-guided heart.  When I do things for Jen, that she has asked me to do, I am receiving fulfillment of my service-guided heart.  When I give fiona the things she needs as a submissive, I am fulfilling my service-guided heart as well as fulfilling her needs.  It is all a process, and it all comes back to the slave heart.  It all comes back to a heart that wants to give.

At the same time, I want to be rewarded for my service.  I want those trinkets of affection.  I want those moments of reward and those acknowledgements of my service-guided heart.  I want to hear someone tell me that I am doing well.  I want to wear someone's badge of acknowledgement.  Does that make me selfish?  I don't think it does; I think it is the flip side of having such a heart.  It is a neediness (which I will discuss in the next post) that comes with the territory.

I think.  Everything is still kind of fuzzy.  The only thing I know for sure is that I have a service-oriented heart.   I have a giving heart instead of a taking heart, and I am good at identifying what people need and giving it to them.  I am good at playing roles; but in the end, I come back to me and my slave heart, which also deserves attention.  It doesn't deserve to be ignored anymore.  But the only way I can un-ignore it is to ask for what I need, as frog tells me.  It is still hard to ask for what I need, but I am getting better at it.

At least I hope I am getting better at it.

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