7/26/10

I don't know who I am anymore
Not once in life have I been real
But I've never felt this close before

 

Dear Melissa:

 

I am writing this to you, not your aliases, not your nicknames, and not your fluffy-bunny, social butterfly cover-up.  You and I?  We need to talk.  Serious, serious talk. 

This feeling that you have of not being able to make it anymore?  We have got to take care of that.  These notions you have that you're not going to live through another year?  Need to be addressed.

You have spent a lot of time getting involved with things, people, activities, etc. that aren't GOOD FOR YOU.  You have spent a lot of time giving when you needing serious care.  You have spent a lot of time getting by on half-shit quality care when you needed serious, ground-breaking excavation.

Here's the thing:

We are going to start making changes right now because the easy way out is not an option for you.  Believe it or don't, but you won't be taken into the cradle if you bullshit your way out of this.

I know that you're scared to let people see you suffer, but you need help.  Don't hide from your life because this is the life you've been given right now.  You have a lot to contend with, sure, but you are not as limited as you think you are.  There is a lot riding on you, don't you know?  Back when you were sure of yourself, there was a lot you could do with your greater self, but you've shrunk back so far behind this shell that you no longer believe you're worthy.  You have lost the love of self you need to have for the Holy Temple.  No more.

We are going to pick up the pieces, you and I.  We are going to start over, and we are going to construct a loving environment that is all about Melissa.  No more negativity.  No more takers.  No more pretending.  Only truth will be allowed inside - even when the truth is ugly, painful, and teary-eyed.  On every side, truth will build the shield you need for protection, and it will help you make good, helpful, righteous decisions.  Your truth will help you see if others are living their truth, telling you truths, or trying to pull a fast one.  From today forward, truth is the only option.  It is the only thing getting in.  People with truth are the only ones getting in.

But here is the first truth we deal with:  You have no self-love, and we have to find that.  Buried down deep beneath the tangled roots inside is that self-love.  What happened was not your fault.  What happened could not be stopped.  What happened was going to happen no matter how hard you fought to keep it from happening.  What happened is going to be there forever, but you can choose how to deal with it every day.  You have been changed by every soul you have come in contact with, some good and some bad.  But the core of you, the little girl that is so, so afraid, needs to come out of hiding and heal.  Shielded by the truth that it was not her fault, she will grow strong, and she will learn to love.

I'm telling you all of this because you need to hear it.  You need to feel it in your bones.  You need to let it sink in deep and awaken all of the parts of you that you've been hiding.  I'm telling you this because it is time for you to know, and nobody else knows like I do.  You can live or die.  You've been dying for a year.  Little by little, you have been letting yourself die, and that is unacceptable.

You are going to live because I won't accept anything less.  Earn your name.  Earn your title.  Earn your place in the Holy Temple.

Now,

Willowfae

Purge

Today has been a mentally purging day for me.  I have been thinking about a lot of things, and I'm coming into a new mentality.

 

You see, I have a great fear of abandonment, which leads me to believe that I will never be good enough for anyone or anything.  I constantly seek praise from my loved ones, which, I am sure, is tiring.  I have been looking inward to find that little crack, fissure, or hole that this fear and the behavior coming from the fear originate.  I haven't found it yet, but I am opening my heart and mind to the answer, and I know it will come.  In the meantime, I have been expunging negativity today by focusing on positivity.

 

I am focusing on hard facts:

• I am eating healthier so I can be healthier.
• I am exercising so I can be healthier and maintain a more healthy weight.
• I am excavating my internal systems so that I can release all of this pent up negativity that I carry around with me.  I feel infected by it - unclean - and I don't like how it feels.

For the longest time, I have been following this pattern of my life that wasn't healthy, and I want it to stop.  In order for it to stop, I have to make changes and stop it myself.  I see that now.  I have come to a fork in the road, and I have to choose which path I will take.  Will I continue to follow this path that causes me heartache?  Or, will I begin a new path that brings me joy and contentment?

 

I am paring down to the bare minimum because I feel that I have to start from scratch and build upwards.  My core is strong, and I know that from that strength I will draw strength.  My core is made of love, and from that love I will learn how to love - not only myself but others as well.  I have to re-learn all that I thought I knew because, obviously, it wasn't working out too well for me.  But I'm ready.  I'm ready to re-learn everything.  I'm willing and able.'

 

Tally-ho and onward!