Today has been a mentally purging day for me. I have been thinking about a lot of things, and I'm coming into a new mentality.
You see, I have a great fear of abandonment, which leads me to believe that I will never be good enough for anyone or anything. I constantly seek praise from my loved ones, which, I am sure, is tiring. I have been looking inward to find that little crack, fissure, or hole that this fear and the behavior coming from the fear originate. I haven't found it yet, but I am opening my heart and mind to the answer, and I know it will come. In the meantime, I have been expunging negativity today by focusing on positivity.
I am focusing on hard facts:
- I am eating healthier so I can be healthier.
- I am exercising so I can be healthier and maintain a more healthy weight.
- I am excavating my internal systems so that I can release all of this pent up negativity that I carry around with me. I feel infected by it - unclean - and I don't like how it feels.
For the longest time, I have been following this pattern of my life that wasn't healthy, and I want it to stop. In order for it to stop, I have to make changes and stop it myself. I see that now. I have come to a fork in the road, and I have to choose which path I will take. Will I continue to follow this path that causes me heartache? Or, will I begin a new path that brings me joy and contentment?
I am paring down to the bare minimum because I feel that I have to start from scratch and build upwards. My core is strong, and I know that from that strength I will draw strength. My core is made of love, and from that love I will learn how to love - not only myself but others as well. I have to re-learn all that I thought I knew because, obviously, it wasn't working out too well for me. But I'm ready. I'm ready to re-learn everything. I'm willing and able.'
Tally-ho and onward!