Tuesday, February 23, 2010


My journal prompt for today is "Puzzled," but I feel more like it should be "puzzle."  I am a puzzle, and I am constantly seeking out the right pieces of myself that fit with the other right pieces of myself.  Everything changes, though, and the pieces are constantly in flux.  Sometimes it is frustrating; sometimes it is easy to go with the flow.

Today has been a bit of a frustrating day, as was yesterday.  I feel as though I just want to "do it right" - no matter what "IT" is.  If I don't do it right, I feel frustrated and defeated.  (For example:  I am pretty sure that I am already over my calorie limit for today.  I'm not positive because I haven't looked, but the big salad I had for lunch accompanied by the McDonald's didn't do much to help the process...which means I didn't do today right.)  One of the puzzle pieces that never changes is my obsession with perfection, doing it right, no flaws.  No matter how much self-talk I practice, I can't ever seem to let that obsession go.  I know where it comes from, and I can trace its roots all the way back through my childhood - but that doesn't matter.  The here and now matters, and I still can't figure out how to get that one piece of the puzzle to mesh with the rest.  With the rest of the pieces, there's give and take.  As I said, they are constantly in flux - they mold to fit one another and come into harmony.  But this one piece, this one frigging, little piece just won't budge.  It sits in the middle of all the others lording over everybody.

And I know it sounds awfully odd, but that's the mental picture I have in my head of that one puzzle piece.  All of the others smooth into a picture of me with some fluidity, except that ONE.  And that is the one that messes me up every day.  Every stinking day.

Maybe if I hammer it to death.....?

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