4/27/10

I hate to admit when I'm having a bad day.  I don't want anybody to think that my BPD is not under control.  I'm terrified that if I have a single episode, everybody will be up in arms to tell me how much help I need.  I'm under control.  My BPD is well-controlled.

 

But I'm having a bad day.  I want to cry.  I want to go home and go to bed.  Maybe that is why so many BPD patients are larger folks; we just want to crawl into bed and hide from the world.  And even though I KNOW it isn't true, I feel lonely and unloved.  The logical side of me says that it is just a mood swing, but the emotional side of me can't help but grab that vine and swing away.

 

I need to stop thinking about all of the things I don't have or won't have, and I need to focus upon the things I do have.  Stop thinking about the negative, which drags me further down, and think about the positive.  It is so hard to do in this frame of mind, though.  It is hard to get out of this teary, dreary downswing - how hard it is to crawl back up from the little hole and into the light.

 

Ok--so what do I have right now that is positive:

 

I have a husband who loves me in the best way he can.

I have a wife who is genuinely making an effort to help me better our relationship.

I have a best friend who has always been there for me for support.

I have two new very good friends who are also supportive and giving.

I have a dog who is always happy to see me and loves me (just because I feed her probably LOL).

I have family that I will be seeing in a month.

I have a LIFE that I didn't have six months ago - a full life with things I enjoy doing, people I enjoy seeing, and needs met that weren't previously met.

 

AND I figured out how to beat big brother and still make blog posts at work.  *flips them off*

4/26/10

Things are happening in my life that are hard to explain.  There is a lot of shifting going on; and I am afraid that if I share it, it will fly away like a butterfly caught and lost.  I've been expressing a lot of it in my private journal, but I feel wordy today.  So, an entry is a'comin.

 

One of the biggest shifts is with regards to my submission.  It is a fluid, shifting, ever-present thing now.  There are little things I do daily that keep me in the mindset, and there are big things I do to fully get me in the mindset.  There is also a dominant in my life now who brings it out of me in spades.  I'm taking things slowly, though, because I don't want to get ahead of myself and bring down a rain of hurt.  I know that things will work out however they will work out, and I don't need to get in a tizzy over any of it.  I'm just enjoying things as they are.  It seems to be working out well because I'm not always in a frantic freak-out over anything.  I just enjoy the situation as it is presented to me.  I'm comfortable in this space.  I'm comfortable in this situation.  I'm comfortable with the way this situation is evolving and growing.

 

Other shifts are more private, and I keep them close to the chest because I don't want my words to be misconstrued.  Some things are starting over.  Some things are static and never changing.  I'm coming into a place where "it's all about me."  I'm taking care of myself over anybody else.  I'm choosing myself over anybody else.  I'm making decisions for myself that don't always include my loved ones.  And I know that this is a hard transition for them, but I can't say that I'm sorry.  I need to take care of me right now; so, I'm taking care of me right now.  I am doing what I want to do, what I need to do, and that is how it is.  It doesn't mean I don't have room in my life for anybody else - it just means that I see I can't give out the love I want to give out if I don't have any love inside of me to give.  I have to cultivate it for myself before I can share it with others.  And I'm doing that.

 

I'm also trying to lose some of the excess weight that I have gained through a multitude of years of self-hate and medication.  Probably more self-hate than medication.  As I re-learn to love myself, though, I am re-learning how to take care of myself properly.  I am eating a better diet.  I am treating myself more carefully, more respectfully.  I have only seen a little progress so far; but I suppose a little bit of progress is better than no progress at all.  I know that I am doing something good for myself and my body, and I have to trust that the results will come in their right time.

4/21/10

Here's two things I learned today:

1. When I go off of my clean eating routine, I FEEL fat.
2. MSG makes me hurt.

Back story:  Today is Administrative Professionals Day / Secretarys' Day (what the hell ever you want to call it).  Our bosses took the entire clerical staff to a nearby Asian fusion restaurant to celebrate.  I haven't had any sort of Asian / Chinese / Thai food since I began eating clean.  Since it was for a celebration, I didn't feel I could decline.  I had every intention of eating something "cleaner" when I got there; but before you know it, I have fried rice in front of me, and I'm shoveling it in.  About halfway through my meal, I started to hurt.  My friend Jaz and I have had numerous conversations about the correlation between MSG and pain, but I'd never had a way to test it.  Consider the connection tested for me.  I hurt really bad right now.  I'm trying to flush it through with water, but I hurt a LOT.

Also, I haven't been doing great on my eating clean over the last couple of days, and I don't feel GOOD.  I feel bloated, icky, and large.  Rotund.  It doesn't make me feel good at all.

*sigh*

Journal Prompt 4/12/10

10 things you're grateful for
10. My phone
9.  My house
8.  My journal
7.  My bed
6.  My computer
5.  My altar
4.  My kitchen
3.  My car
2.  My bookshelf
1.  My dog leash


9 people you love
9.  Ted
8.  Jenfrog
7.  Tammy
6.  My dad
5.  My brother
4.  My grandmother
3.  My friend, dev
2.  Mr. Moose
1.  Ted's parents (ok that's two but they are a unit)

8 places you want to go
8.  Spankfest
7.  Wisconsin Dells
6.  New England
5.  Paris
4.  Cairo
3.  Jerusalem
2.  Somewhere without any of my history
1.  A cruise

7 things you can't live without
7.  My dog
6.  My phone
5.  My computer
4.  My refrigerator
3.  My journal
2.  My email account
1.  My job

6 foods you love
6.  A cold apple with peanut butter
5.  Banana mush created by yours truly
4.  Homemade pizza on wheat crust
3.  String cheese
2.  Carrots and hummus
1.  Tuna casserole (with whole wheat pasta of course)

5 scents you love
5.  Lavender
4.  Vanilla
3.  Lilac
2.  Sandalwood
1.  Sweaty man

4 books you have enjoyed
4.  The Red Tent
3.  Cunt
2.  Living Well with Chronic Pain
1.  The Idiot's Guide to Eating Clean

3 websites you visit regularly
3.  Etsy.com
2.  Blogger.com
1.  Gmail.com

2 hopes and dreams you have for the future
2.  Visiting Kansas
1.  Seeing my brother soon

1 of your favorite places to journal
1.  My journal (book)

Today's Layouts

Side 1

Side 2

An 8x8

Did You Know?

I have the best friends and family ever?

Now you do.

:)