Purge

Today has been a mentally purging day for me.  I have been thinking about a lot of things, and I'm coming into a new mentality.

 

You see, I have a great fear of abandonment, which leads me to believe that I will never be good enough for anyone or anything.  I constantly seek praise from my loved ones, which, I am sure, is tiring.  I have been looking inward to find that little crack, fissure, or hole that this fear and the behavior coming from the fear originate.  I haven't found it yet, but I am opening my heart and mind to the answer, and I know it will come.  In the meantime, I have been expunging negativity today by focusing on positivity.

 

I am focusing on hard facts:

• I am eating healthier so I can be healthier.
• I am exercising so I can be healthier and maintain a more healthy weight.
• I am excavating my internal systems so that I can release all of this pent up negativity that I carry around with me.  I feel infected by it - unclean - and I don't like how it feels.

For the longest time, I have been following this pattern of my life that wasn't healthy, and I want it to stop.  In order for it to stop, I have to make changes and stop it myself.  I see that now.  I have come to a fork in the road, and I have to choose which path I will take.  Will I continue to follow this path that causes me heartache?  Or, will I begin a new path that brings me joy and contentment?

 

I am paring down to the bare minimum because I feel that I have to start from scratch and build upwards.  My core is strong, and I know that from that strength I will draw strength.  My core is made of love, and from that love I will learn how to love - not only myself but others as well.  I have to re-learn all that I thought I knew because, obviously, it wasn't working out too well for me.  But I'm ready.  I'm ready to re-learn everything.  I'm willing and able.'

 

Tally-ho and onward! 

Moments

There are moments that occur in the middle of other moments, and things settle into place in my head.  I will see or hear something that will make something else click for me.  It happens frequently when I'm in an emotional downswing and am acting irrationally with no way to stop myself.  I spin out of control; and then suddenly, there it is.  That moment that makes everything make sense.

 

You see, I have this character flaw...Well, I don't even know if I would call it a flaw so much as a long-developed trait.  I couldn't have stopped it as it began developing long before I knew what stopping it might have meant for my future.  What is this character flaw, you ask.  In the core of me, I am drawn to situations in which I seek approval I will never get.  Or I seek validation that won't come.  Or I allow myself to follow someone else into a situation that shouldn't be about me at all.  Or, better yet, I WILL get praise, but I won't let it sink to that core place where it should settle.  This is the worst of them all.

 

There are many things I have done in my life for this reason, to get this approval.  And I was asked today about what it is I am missing within myself that I continue to do this.  That stopped me in my tracks.  That was my moment.  What AM I missing within myself that I keep doing this over and over?  I don't know what the answer is yet, but I am praying that it will come when it is ready.

 

Until then, I am trying to re-center with ME.  I need to do these things for me.  I need these reasons to be my reasons.  I need these rules to be my rules.  Because if it isn't about me, I'm going no where.  Spinning my wheels.

 

Wish me luck...

the price of freedom

when you wanted me, i came to you
and when you wanted someone else, i withdrew
and when you asked for light, i set myself on fire
and if i go far away, i know you'll find another slave

 

coz now i'm free from what you want

now i'm free from what you need

now i'm free from what you want

 

and when you wanted blood, i cut my veins

and when you wanted love, i bled myself again

now that i've had my fill of you, i'll give you up forever

and here i go, far away, and now, you'll find another slave

 

coz now i'm free from what you want

now i'm free from what you need

now i'm free from what you want

 

then a vision came to me when you came along
i gave you everything, but then you wanted more

 

coz now i'm free from what you want

now i'm free from what you need

now i'm free from what you want

The Epic Battle

I feel like I am in the middle of a war zone.  On one side, we have the fat acceptance community, which tells its members to accept the body they have and simply get on with living life.  On the other side, there is the fact that I am heavier now than I've ever been screaming in my ear.

 

To tell you the truth, I feel disheartened.  I feel ashamed.  I feel stupid.  And I can't decide, once and for all, which side of the war I am on.  I was pretty ok with my body until it started impacting daily activities; then, there was a massive freak-out.  I want to love and accept myself for who I am, but how I look really affects me.  And I feel shallow for that, which makes me feel guilty, too.  It is a whole cart-load of negative right at my feet.

 

And since we're being honest about it, I wish it were easier.  I wish it didn't weigh (no pun intended) on me every day.  I know that I can make the changes I want to see in my life, but I also know they are a long ways off...and I'm not the best on patience.  Sometimes, I dive on into that cart-load of bullshit just because it is easier to wallow than to work.  But I don't want to live like this forever; and if I'm going to do something, it might as well be now rather than six months from now.  Who knows what I could accomplish in those six months?

 

So, I'm doing the best I can with the hand I've been dealt.  I'm making changes as I go along and coming to understand things as I go along.  I'm trying to be patient, I'm trying to LEARN patience, and I'm trying to practice patience with myself.  I know that not every day will be perfect, but I hope that most days will be better than others.