Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Spin Cycle: Jealousy

I mulled over whether or not I wanted to participate in this week's spin cycle because my views on jealousy are....far from the widely-accepted. The life I have lived has brought me to a place of juxtaposition when it comes to jealousy.

You see....

I am a poly person. My affection is shared. My commitment is shared. I have shared my spouse(s) with other people. I have watched my spouse(s) make love to other people. Jealousy for me is.....difficult to explain.

Once, a very long time ago, I came to terms with jealousy because I finally understood what it was about. Jealousy is fear of losing one's position. I know that seems hard to understand; but really, when you think about it, that is all it is. If you become jealous that some chick is going to "steal your man," well, you're afraid of losing your position as his woman. The same can be same of the vice versa. If you're jealous of the time your spouse spends with your child, you may be afraid of losing your position as #1 in their heart. Jealousy is all about fear.

And what do we have to fear, you guys? (Answer: Fear itself. Thanks Kennedy.)

So, looking at jealousy in terms of fear, I simply decided one day that I wasn't going to do it anymore. When you fear something, you give it power to hurt you. This is where my transient personality comes into play a little bit because I'm not possessive over my loved ones, over many objects in my life, or where I'm at during a particular moment. Possession is also fear. "MINE!" = fear of losing. Yeah, I don't so much have that anymore. Because I had the moment, in conjunction with the moment about jealousy, that I don't POSSESS THESE THINGS OR PEOPLE. They are on loan to me from the higher ups, but they are not, never have been, and never will be mine. They touch on my life; but if they aren't meant to linger, then they won't linger.

And this is how I became a poly person. The juxtaposition is this: I will not tolerate lies. I am jealous, you could say, of lies because they steal from me. I am afraid of them and the havoc they will create. So, while at one point, I was able to tell my mate(s) that I didn't care what they did so long as they were honest with me, I cannot truly say that now. Because some activity is just a breeding ground for lies. And really? I'd rather just not go there at all. So, I cannot say I'm as altruistic about jealousy as I once was, but I still have the same feelings about it. I will not be conquered by fear, and jealousy is fear.


  1. I have to admit, this take I didn't expect, but it is so refreshing! I AM jealous of John's friendships sometimes, because it does take away from me which is selfish. To be able to love freely like you do, with no take, just give, that must be so liberating. Is it possible to say that I'm a little jealous of your position? You're linked!

  2. Ok, this was way deeper than I expected anyone to get. But an incredible post. You are a far stronger person than I if you can be that accepting, and face that fear. Amazing. I share your take on "things", but I can't so easily shed my fear of losing people. Your openness is a real gift. Great spin!

  3. great spin - it took me a while to get to where you are about relationships and I could not agree with you more. I struggled with jealousy over my husband's previous marriage and it was either give it up or give him up since it was eating me alive. Great post; you really made me think!

  4. Your spin just spun my thoughts out of control. I feel all crazy inside. I don't understand poly-ness. I totally respect its practice because I think everyone needs to do what makes them happy (given that it doesnt hurt others) But what I don't understand is why polygamy is accepted for men and not for women. (Men can have numerous wives and not vice versa) I know it's PRACTICED either way, but I dont know why it's not officially accepted... Hmm. Either way, you are so cool. It's beyond me how you can be so open. I agree with Sprite's Keeper that it must be SO liberating.

    Great spin!

  5. Even someone not into poly can totaly take from this. I have big jealousy issues at times and I think it stems from an insecurity with my place or feeling threatened. I'm not sure how to fix it because such things aren't just a switch to flip. Have I told you lately how brilliant you are?