Frame Task Addendum

 <--This is a second frame I did that is just a smaller version of the first.  It is 5 by 7.  I originally intended to do this one in silver and gold, but it came out in gold and brown tones.  It is growing on me.  I intend to take this one to work so I can have the self talk mantra with me at my desk.

This is where the frame landed - on my altar.  That is Kwan Yin alongside of it reminding me to have compassion for myself.

Current Top Ten

Fish's current top ten things of luv:

1. The Everyday Scrapper
2. Roeder convicted of murder
3. The three sweaters hub bought for me because he luvs me
4. Sleeping in on a Saturday
5. Finally figuring out how to let the dog play outside and get her back inside without a fight
6. "Careless Whispers" by Seether (still my favorite song right now)
7. Donuts
8. Not being broke as I thought I was
9. Little doggies - even when they don't feel good
10. Epona Marie - My always most favorite girl

Task: Frame

The fish is a rock star.

Definition

"What does define you as a person? I have label issues, too - "I'm bipolar," rather than "I have bipolar disorder." So help me... What do criteria do you use to define yourself and what is the definition of Melissa?"

I'm a word person.  When confronted with questions like these, I usually turn to the "definition" of the words in the question so I can clearly answer what is being asked.  The definition of definition is this:  the act of defining or making definite, distinct, or clear.  The very definition of the word makes this question hard to answer because I am learning that I have no definite definition. 

Isn't that just a wow moment?  Like OMG, right?

I have no clear, defining definition of who I am because I am constantly changing, constantly rearranging, constantly growing, and constantly getting better.  I wish, so very much (really, you don't know how much), that I could say "this is who and what I am," but I am learning that those are labels, and I'm trying to get away from labels.

Right now, in this moment, my criteria for self-definition are as follows:

• Am I a good person?  Yes.
• Can I follow directions?  Yes.
• Can I make change for the better? Yes.

That's all for right now because everything else is, and probably always will be, in flux.  It all comes back to allowing yourself to exist beyond your boundaries.  Here's another list that might help:

• I am married to Ted, but that does not define me as a person.
• Right now, in my heart, I belong to frog, but that does not define me as a person.
• Right now, in my heart, fiona belongs to me, but that does not define me as a person.
• I work for XXXXX, but that does not define me as a person.
• I take umpteenthirty pills every day, but that does not define me as a person.

I don't think it is about the criteria that define you as a person...I think it is about letting go of the criteria you used to give control to in defining you as a person...

Walking Program

I found this walking program in a magazine, and I have been thinking about trying it.  I think it might be a little aggressive for my RA, but I'm not sure.  I'm still ruminating over whether or not I'm ready to try it.  Here's how it goes:

Week One:
Monday:  Walk briskly for 30 minutes on a flat surface
Tuesday:  Walk up and down 2 or 3 flights of stairs
Wednesday:  Walk briskly for 30 minutes on a flat surface
Thursday:  Rest or lift some light weights to strengthen your upper body
Friday:  Walk briskly for 30 minutes on a flat surface or hilly terrain
Saturday:  Walk up and down 3 flights of stairs
Sunday:  Go for a leisurely 45- to 60-minute walk

Week Two:
Monday:  Walk briskly for 30 minutes on a flat surface
Tuesday:  Walk up and down 4 flights of stairs
Wednesday:  Walk briskly for 30 minutes on a flat surface
Thursday:  Rest or lift some light weights to strengthen your upper body
Friday:  Walk briskly for 30 minutes on a flat surface or hilly terrain
Saturday:  Walk up and down 5 flights of stairs
Sunday:  Go for a leisurely 45- to 60-minute walk

Week Three:
Monday:  Walk briskly for 30 minutes on a flat surface
Tuesday:  Walk up and down 6 flights of stairs
Wednesday:  Walk briskly for 30 minutes on a flat surface
Thursday:  Rest of lift some light weights to strengthen your upper body
Friday:  Walk briskly for 30 minutes on a flat surface or hilly terrain
Saturday:  Walk up and down 7 flights of stairs
Sunday:  Go for a leisurely 45- to 60-minute walk

Week Four:
Monday:  Walk briskly for 30 minutes on a flat surface
Tuesday:  Walk up and down 8 flights of stairs
Wednesday:  Walk briskly for 30 minutes on a flat surface
Thursday:  Rest or lift some light weights to strengthen your upper body
Friday:  Walk briskly for 30 minutes on a flat surface or hilly terrain
Saturday:  Walk up and down 9 flights of stairs
Sunday:  Go for a leisurely 45- to 60-minute walk

The thing that scares me is the stairs.  What do you think?

Task: Part II

Layout Task: Part I

<-"in pieces"

The theme:  Who / how I feel I am now.

Fly from the Inside

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have been looking at this quote for a week and thinking about what it means to me. What lies within me? What lies within me beyond the labels...beyond the common terms...beyond what I tell myself in the down moments. What is truly the fillet o'fish, as it were.

But the truth is I don't know. I have spent such a long time living with labels that I don't know how to describe myself (notice I did not say define) without a label. Part of that comes from the society we live in; we don't know how to approach someone unless they have a label we can identify. (I just had to give an introduction on a listserv I am on, and every single introduction was chock full of labels.) That's how we recognize one another. Label A matches Label A, and Label B matches Label B. Label A and Label B don't generally get along. But what happens when you're Label PRQTZ? But also, part of this comes from within. I label myself. I label myself a metric TON. I learned early on in life that it was easier to tell people what I wasn't or was than to try to have a conversation about it. Conversations involved sharing stuff about myself, and I wasn't comfortable doing that. I'm still not comfortable giving away precious information, and I still label myself - but at least now I question it. Why do I need the labels? I interact with people who are Label A all the way to Label ZBHYT. Why do *I* need to label *myself*? Here's what I think I've learned:

I am bisexual, but it does not define me as a person.
I am a pagan, but it does not define me as a person.
I am a rape / sexual molestation survivor, but it does not define me as a person (though it did for a really long time).
I am a submissive, but it does not define me as a person.
I am a dominant, but it does not define me as a person.
I have multiple personalities, but this does not define me as a person.
I have multiple health issues, but they do not define me as a person.
I am polyamorous, but it does not define me as a person.
I am a liar, a cheat, a thief, a beggar, and a princess, but these labels do not define me as a person.
I am engaging, effervescent, socially inept, and dramatically needy, but these things do not define me as a person.

And maybe that is the whole point. Maybe we're not supposed to define ourselves with labels. Maybe, in the end, we're meant to surpass labels and just be who we are. You know, think outside of the box a little bit. Maybe the point is to smoosh all of those labels together like play dough and make a nice, pretty rainbow on the inside.

Starting Over

I bought a new date book for 2010; and along with enough space to keep my daily food tracking, it has little snippets of inspiration at the top of the page. This is this week's snippet:

"To visualize time as a clock can make us feel that life too is ticking itself away. Regain a sense of control by imagining instead that time is an hourglass that you can turn over whenever you choose, to start afresh. Don't be constrained by the choices of the past: make changes in the present and live the life you desire."

I've bolded the last sentence because this is really what is pertinent to me right now. Insert self talk: Don't be constrained by the past. Don't let yourself be contained by past memories, past wrongs, or past hurts. Let it go. Remember that you cannot change what has already happened, and you cannot change anybody else but yourself. Those hurtful things did happen to you in the past, but they do not define you right now. It is ok to remember those things and think about those things from time to time, but don't dwell. And remember, it's ok to have bad days. We all do, but don't have eight bad days in a row.

As for making changes, I have been making changes (with a lot of help) for the better, and I think I am beginning to show progress. Insert self talk here: It is ok to take the babiest of baby steps. It is all a process, and not everything is going to happen right now. Your bipolar is characterized by sudden, often paralyzing fits of depression, but try to keep in mind that it will pass. Hold on to that thought: It will pass. If you need someone to tell you to get out of bed, try to be that person once in a while and tell yourself to get out of bed. If you need help, remember to ask for it. Don't seek out negativity because you will be sucked in; it is easy for you to get stuck in your head with all of the what ifs, and you don't need that. If you need affection, remember that you can give that to yourself as well. You can be the caretaker you need, too. Start slow. Take it easy. And remember, it's ok to have bad days. Everybody does, but don't have eight bad days in a row.

Insert more self talk here: Live the life you want. Don't live the life you think you should be living. You are not defined by what has happened to you in the past, what is happening to you now, or what will happen to you in the future. Only you can define yourself. Make choices that make you happy. Do things that make you happy. Ask for things that make you happy. Ask for things that meet your needs. Do things for yourself that meet your needs, and don't judge yourself for having needs that are different. Do things that feel good even if other people think you are weird. You don't have to be labeled by someone else's standards. You don't have to be labeled at all. You can just be you, no matter how long it takes to get there.

Don't forget, it is all a process. Let it happen.

WMS/Trust/Health

Sometimes, you just need to be touched. No matter how hard or soft, you just need to be touched.

So, trust is a big issue with me. Even within my sphere of closest loved ones, trust is a big issue with me. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm always waiting for the abandonment. (Yes, I'm in therapy.) So, when I choose to show trust to someone, it is a struggle because how they react determines if I'll show trust to them again in the future and / or how much trust I will show to them in the future. I chose to show trust to two people on Saturday night - people I love, and people I already have trusted in the past. But this was a new trust, an unfamiliar territory kind of trust. And they didn't let me down. Thanks guys. Love you.

I haven't been taking very good care of myself lately. It started around Thanksgiving and has lasted through the entire Christian holiday season. I have been drinking gallons of Diet Dr. Pepper, eating hoardes of chocolate, and sleeping like a hibernating bear. The effects are beginning to show: on my body, on my psyche, on my emotional wellbeing. I don't make New Year's resolutions because I don't celebrate the New Year in January, but I do recognize that there are some things I need to do to help take better care of my body:

1. Drink less pop. I've already had one less today than I had yesterday. Progress.
2. Drink more water.
3. Eat less chocolate. This one couples with check my blood sugar more often with the nifty new blood sugar meter mooky sent to me, which I have to figure out how to use...
4. Nap. It is apparent to me and my fibromyalgia that naps help me function. An after-work nap makes the evening go much smoother. Anything beyond two hours, though, no longer qualifies as a nap and is qualified as sleep. Set an alarm.
5. Move. I haven't been moving very much lately; and with this cold, it is hard to get my joints to cooperate, but movement is really important to my health. I'm going to start getting back into my yogalates; and when I can kick the dog out of the house long enough to use the treadmill again, I will start walking again.

The problem is this: it is easy to SAY "Yes, I'm going to do all of this stuff"; but when it comes time to do everything, I fall short. Always. I lack motivation. I think it is tied directly to my lack of self worth - I don't feel that I deserve to be happy, healthy, or anything. Why is that? I, often, feel that I don't deserve to be here. Why?

Mooky says: I recognize that there are people in my past that have influenced my life choices; but ultimately, I am in control. I wonder if she will let me steal that for my mantra.