Tuesday, May 25, 2010


So, I have a confession.
I haven't been completely sticking to my eating plan.  I *have* gotten on the treadmill on all the days I am supposed to do so (I take one full day of rest per week, usually Saturday); so, that is good.  However, I haven't been sticking to my eating plan.  I have been derailing myself with mini twix, mini musketeers, "emergency" Jimmy Johns, and KFC.  I was steady at 233.0 all week long; and then, today, 234.2.  It seems like a small amount; but when the scale goes up, I go down, down, down.
"So, what are you going to do about it?"
I can hear it from across cyberspace.  But the truth is:  I don't know.  I don't know if this is a question of willpower or self-exploration.  Why can't I stick to the plan?  Why do I keep sabotaging my progress?
I honestly don't think this is an issue of willpower.  I truly do think that there is a part of me, on a base, instinct level, that wants to eff things up.  Frog once told me that I was comfortable in the uncomfortable - that I was at my most normal when everything was hectic and in a tizzy.  For a long time, she was right; but I worked long and hard to get out of that space...except it creeps up every now and then.  Like now.  Amidst all of the not sticking to my eating plan drama, I've dreamed up a bunch of unhappy drama that I think will only be fixed by wiping the slate clean, getting the hell out of Dodge, and starting over somewhere else.  If I try hard enough, I can see her.  A little black and grey bitch, hobbling along trying to jump up on my back and drag me down into the muck.  I have to fight her every day.  Most days, I win.  Some days, I don't.  I don't think she is my lack of willpower, though.  I think she is the visualization of my BPD.  And she wants me to swing back and forth.  She wants me to go crazy all over again.  But I'm not going to go there.  I will not go there.
But digging up my roots and running with my tail between my legs isn't my truth either.  I will still be the same person I am now, just in a different city, still with the same bitch I keep trying to keep at bay.  I do wonder, through, if she'd be happier in Florida?
And all of that leaves me with this:  I am doing this to myself.
Which leaves me with this:  If I am doing this, I can stop doing it.
Which leaves me with this:  If I can stop doing it, it is a matter of choice.
Which leaves me with this:  If it is a matter of choice, I get to choose the outcome.
I get to choose the outcome.  Maybe not yesterday's outcome, but right now's outcome.  Five minutes from now's outcome.  Tonight's outcome and tomorrow's outcome.  I can make sure that I get on the treadmill tonight as I have been doing.  I can choose to do better tomorrow than I have today, even if it is only by an increment.
"It doesn't have to be all or nothing."
Again, I hear it from across cyberspace, and I understand logically.  My higher brain understands.  It is just taking longer to filter the message down to my more basic personalities, my more instinctive individuals.  Little by little, the message gets to the intended targets; and little by little, I do better, I react better, I am better.  I'm not hiding anymore, and that was a huge step for me.  All of these other little, baby steps will add up to huge steps for me, too, but I have to recognize that they will come in their own time.  Bit by bit, everything will begin to add up into strength, empowerment, and a strong will.
So shall it be.

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