Wednesday, May 19, 2010

The 56 million-dollar question

So, I'm sure my scant reader(s) wants to know:  Did you get on the treadmill last night?  Did you follow the rules?
Yes, my friends, I did.  And while I was on that treadmill for five whole minutes, in between thoughts of wanting to quit at two minutes, then three minutes, I began to think of how I got here.  How was it that I came to weigh 233 pounds?  My mind and I have been ruminating over this question for a while because before you can move forward, you have to understand the past.
I'm not a binge eater.  I never have been.  I'm not a sneak eater.  I've never hidden food from my parents, my husband, etc.  I'm just a ritual eater.  If I get stuck on a favorite, I will eat it for months - even if it is bad.  For example, when Jimmy John's opened up near work, I got stuck on their #14 with cheese and extra mayo.  That is over 1,000 calories right there.  For lent last year, I got stuck on McDonald's fish sammiches (two at a time, yo) with a dessert of cinnamon melts.  That lasted a few months, too.
Also, I am addicted to sugar.  I am not kidding at all when I say that at 30 years old, I have a 30-year history with Pepsi.  My parents were putting it in my bottle when I was a baby.  (Yes, we are hillbilly folk.)  Then, I discovered Diet Dr. Pepper and OMG I had to have them all the time.  I've done pretty well at kicking the pop habit and drinking more water, but I can't yet drink plain water.  The water has to be fizzy or have a flavoring of some sort.  Another aspect of my sugar addiction is sweets.  Candy, cookies, cake, brownies - I've had long-term relationships with all of them.  I particularly crave candy when I'm around my period time, and I don't seem to have the willpower to say no to the craving.  Right now, even, there are cookies and cake in the break room, and I am having a hard time not having some even though I  ate a clean breakfast and a clean mid-morning boost (yay me!).  It is the sugar, man.  If I can break THAT habit, I think I will be much better off.
Another factor in the weightiness of fish is the fact that I have been living off of processed foods for fifteen years.  As I learn more about eating clean, I see that my diet has been crap since I was in high school where they used to bring in pizza hut, taco bell, and burger king for lunch options.  Even if I brown bagged it, I'd get a pizza to go with my lunch and eat both so my mom wouldn't know I didn't want my lunch.  Sometimes, I still do it!  I will bring a lunch, but I will get something else and eat both because I don't want hubby to know that I didn't eat my lunch.  I guess that is the only way I've ever "hidden" food.
So, that is how I got here.  Little by little, I am figuring out how to get away from here.  Wish me luck!

1 comment:

  1. So much of this I could have written myself! I can really relate.