Joy Fit and the New Mentality

Every week, I read the Joy Fit story on MSNBC.com. Really, I can't tell you why because I've no idea why I keep reading it. But I do. Today's story struck me hard - but not in the way they meant it to be striking. Here's what the woman said:

"I felt like my worth as a person was directly attached to my size."

No shit, right? This was another mental ninja-bomb that just went off in my head, and here we are.

For as long as I can remember, I've felt as though my self-worth was correlated to my size. If my size went down, I was worth more. If my size went up, I was worth less. If someone commented on my size, it meant that they could see how "bad" I had been. But something is unfurling in my brain, you guys. Something is being uncovered, and it is smashing all of those old feelings to bits.

Because you see, I wasn't being bad. I wasn't being a naughty chub snacking on everything I could get my hands on. I DID put back a 12-pack of cupcakes for Valentine's day all by myself, but I realized that this was behavior stemming from a mental state that has seen been leveled. I was covering up something - not being "bad." There was no criminal behavior involved. There was no moral corruption. My behavior, although perhaps not particularly helpful to my overall mental state, was not wrong or right. It just was.

I just am.

If I'm going to accept my body and all of its conundrums, I have to accept its size, too. It just is the way it is. I have stubby toes. That's just the way it is. I have rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia. That's just the way it is. I'm bipolar with PTSD. That's just the way it is. And I'm a size 18/20. That's just the way it is. There's nothing "wrong" CLEARLY with any of these things. They just are.

I won't go so far as to say I'm comfortable in my body now because me and my body are still working on the process together. But my mind gets it. My mind understands that fat is not moral. It just is. My mind understands that eating a quarter-pounder with cheese is not wrong. It just is. My mind is beginning to open doors for the rest of me, and I feel lighter - no pun intended. I feel less weighed down by this notion that I'm a bad girl for being a big girl.

I'm beginning to understand - mentally, emotionally, and spiritually - that my self-worth is not correlated to my size. And it is a wonderful thing.

HAES: The plethora of information

HAES is still rocking my world, big time. I'm actually starting to seek it out now...read more about it than I have been. It is amazing to me how much is out there.

Seriously, if you haven't already, google you some HAES and see how much you find. It is amazing.

The most amazing thing, though, is this: There are a lot of people out there just like me. People struggling to learn to love their bodies. People ready for all of the propaganda to just quit it and leave me alone. I'm ready to love me the way I am now. I'm so ready to learn how to do that. So are a lot of other people, it seems.

For right now, I'm off to buy a book! A HAES book, no less! WOO!

HAES: Body Image

So, you will recall how I talked about the book I'm reading now and how I am gleaning things from it that I didn't get the first time. Here's the other doozy that knocked me on my ass this time:

Your body image is directly related to your mental state.

I know, right? It is such a "duh?" statement that I cannot even tell you how stupid I felt when it clicked for me. So, when I'm having a down cycle and I don't want to get out of bed, I'm going to feel fat and ugly? Bingo. When I'm having an up cycle and I feel like I can conquer the world, then I'm going to feel all possibility-full? Check, sister. (For more on possibilities, go visit my frog who was just talking about this. You can find her from my blog roll.)

I mean, DUH?!? Everything else about me and my life is cyclical - directly relating to my state of mind and / or state of well-being at the time. So it follows nicely that my body image would be in the same fashion. Why didn't I see that before? The more I learn about my disorder, the more I see it popping its little green head up all over my life.

But at least I've clicked it now. I can tell myself, when in those down moments of "ohmygodi'mamonster" that the feeling will pass, and I'm not a monster. When I don't want my husband to see me because I feel all grody, I can tell myself that this, too, shall pass. (It will probably pass pretty quickly, too, at the rate I cycle...)

So, if you're feeling down on yourself, ask yourself how things are in your life. Are you depressed? Are you anxious? Are you stressed out? If the answer is yes, you've probably just found the reason for why you feel all blobby.

HAES: Intuitive Eating

So, as you can see from my bookshelf, I am re-reading "Lessons from the Fat-O-Sphere." This book really rocked my thinking the first time; and really, the second time around is no different. I've gotten a few different things out of the book this time around, and one of those things is intuitive eating, which I'm trying.

{HAES = Health At Every Size, by the way}

Intuitive Eating is the main concept in HAES, and it goes a little bit like this: Eat what you want when you want it. Actually, it goes a whole lot like that since that's all it is. In intuitive eating, no foods are off limits. The point is to listen to your body when it tells you a) when it is hungry and b) what it is hungry for. In this line of thought, there are no good foods or bad foods; food is just food.

So, I've been trying out this intuitive eating concept for about a week now, and here is what I've learned:

1. I don't actually crave greasy food; I end up eating greasy food when I'm too uncreative to come up with anything else. (read: lazy)
2. When I do crave something "bad" and I let myself have it, I will only eat two or three bites of it before the craving is satisfied.
3. I'm eating a lot less because I'm listening to my body more when it tells me it is full or sated for right now.

The jury is still out on Dr. Pepper, though. I can't tell if I'm craving Dr. Pepper or if I'm just really accustomed to drinking it. I'll let you know how it goes...